DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have two adult children who have been diagnosed with a crippling disease -- one of whom has a daily struggle with its manifestations. Recently, on the death of an acquaintance, when the death notice stated that, in lieu of flowers, donations can be sent to a certain charity, I sent a check in the deceased's memory to the national center for my children's disease instead.

A "friend" told me that this is very selfish and disrespectful on my part and that I should honor the deceased's request for a donation to his specific fund.

Was I out of line to do it the way I did? The deceased knew of my children's plight (and would it matter if she didn't?) but I am now feeling guilty for doing something I thought was a good deed. If one chooses to make a donation, is it mandatory to send it to the specified fund, or is that to be considered a suggestion?

GENTLE READER: Only Miss Manners would dare to reprimand a mother with two seriously ill children -- and that "friend" with the quotation marks. But the friend was wrong -- not on the issue, but to offer criticism without being asked.

Since you did ask Miss Manners, she has to tell you that your own tragedies do not excuse you from expressing proper sympathy for other peoples'.

Yes, it is a good deed to donate money to the center for your children's disease, but a good deed that apparently has nothing to do with the deceased. You need not have made a contribution to the designated charity, but you did need to put aside your own troubles long enough to console the bereaved for theirs. Putting your late acquaintance's name on something you wanted to do for your own reasons is more likely to jar them into realizing that you were not thinking of the deceased and his family, but only of yourself and yours.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: About three years ago, my wife and I were having dinner in a rather posh dining room of a motor hotel during the senior prom season, and a large group of beautifully dressed, well-behaved young men in tuxedos and young women in formal gowns filed in to have dinner at a long table. The men, after seating the women, all suddenly shed their jackets in unison and hung them on the backs of their chairs before seating themselves.

This didn't bother us at all, but it did arouse our curiosity as to whether this has become a standard practice. Being in our 70s, we are not up on the current rules of dress etiquette, but it did seem strange. The overall effect was to make all the men look like the waiters, which was a bit amusing.

GENTLE READER: The waiters were serving in their shirt-sleeves?

Miss Manners is shocked. They should know better.

The young men, however, probably had the misfortune of growing up among people whose idea of hospitality is to urge one another to take off their jackets. Thus they thought of these as totem items, to be carried for the sake of correctness but never used, rather like canes with full evening dress.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last week I attended a birthday party for an acquaintance I have known for several years, as we belong to the same organization. Although we are on friendly terms, we are not close friends. Some of the other members are close, and they keep together in their own little circle.

When the hostess called to invite me to the party, to be held four days later at her home, she said that the birthday celebrant had originally not wanted any celebration but in the end agreed to a party in which the guests would pay for themselves. There was also an extra amount to be collected for the birthday gift. I accepted the invitation, glad to be included.

Later, at the party, I realized I had been on the bottom of the totem pole. That is to say, the hostess could only have a certain number of people in her home and those who could not attend were replaced by others. I honestly think the hostess could have informed me that I was replacing someone else when she called to invite me.

The day of the party, I was invited to a very nice event by someone who had acquired tickets the evening before. I felt committed to attend the birthday party as well as being financially committed. Am I being oversensitive in feeling slighted?

GENTLE READER: Not slighted -- miffed. You are miffed because you got a better offer after you had made a commitment that you were glad to get and obliged to keep.

Miss Manners doesn't blame you -- and she is grateful that you did the right thing -- but neither should you blame your hostess, whose only crime was to issue you an invitation. It is sort of like blaming your spouse because you have fallen in love with someone else, which, come to think of it, people do all the time. But then, people do a lot of things of which Miss Manners does not approve -- all the time.

It is especially far-fetched to blame the hostess for not telling you that you were on the B list. Having a B list is not a crime, but letting someone know that he is on it, is. Since you point out that you had not been close to the guest of honor or his circle, it is not surprising that the hostess did not think of you first, but if you want someone to blame, Miss Manners recommends the person who blabbed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My real estate agent sent me a thank-you note that referred to a point of negotiation she had not been able to resolve in our favor, saying, "Use the enclosed to help take care of that brush pile."

Bless her, it was sweet, but there is only one problem: no enclosure.

Now how do I write the return thank you? I was taught by my dear mama to be both specific and prompt in expressing my appreciation, but I don't even know what "the enclosed" was.

GENTLE READER: Your dear mama was right. To be specific in this case (you will have to supply the promptness), Miss Manners suggests, "How very sweet of you to want to make it up to us about the brush pile. It really isn't necessary, but we appreciate it. Of course we are burning with curiosity to know what it is you meant to enclose."

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: About a year ago, a new neighbor came fuming to my door with an anonymous note telling her to mow her lawn. I didn't write the note but told her I agreed that her yard was neglected. (I tell the truth.) It took me a while to calm her down, then she apologized. We're fine now.

Now I received an anonymous note complaining that my dog barks. I have a home office and am home most of the time. I have a huge yard and two wonderful mid-sized dogs, Bonnie and Clyde. Clyde barks when strangers try to come into the back yard, very rarely at other times. I guess I never discouraged him as an alarm system for me.

Last week, between the telephone repairman and cable installation, Clyde was noisier than usual. We also have a neighborhood thief now and I really don't want to change Clyde's training. (The crime victim even asked to borrow Clyde, but he's never been away from Bonnie.) I really need Clyde. I wish I could explain this to Ms. or Mr. Anonymous, but how?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners hopes that the announcement that you tell the truth -- which is uncalled for, as no one has challenged you -- is not a way of saying that you disdain tact. Because even Bonnie and Clyde won't be able to protect you if you rile up an already-edgy neighborhood.

Are you willing to apologize, as well as to explain? After all, you did annoy someone, even if the noise is justifiable and the complainer rude. (Anonymous letters are rude by definition, unless they are post-marked within the next three weeks and bear the message "I love you.")

Then you can say just what you told Miss Manners. Address the letter to everyone within hearing distance, and begin, "I wish I knew which of you sent me the anonymous letter about my dog, because I would like to apologize and explain." After all, the cable installation is finished, and the theft problem is one all the neighbors share. And if you succeed in calming down this person, you may also solve the neighborhood poison letter problem.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I left my place of employment where I had worked as a bartender for four and a half years, one of my customers graciously offered to throw me a "going away party." Although I really didn't want to make a big fuss, I finally agreed because I figured it would be fun. It was a very nice party, with coworkers and a limited group of customers and a good time was had by all.

I was gone for six weeks, working another job, but it wasn't working out, so I returned to my former place of employment. Now the customer who threw me the party keeps saying I owe him, or that I should pay him back for the party because I have returned to work.

At first I thought he was joking, but he keeps complaining to other customers about it, stating that I should pay him back. I am getting really frustrated over the whole situation; I've been back at work for a month now, and he's still talking about it.

What should I do? Do I need to reimburse him for the money he spent on my party (this guy is not hurting financially) or should I just ignore him and hope he will stop whining?

GENTLE READER: Granted that the insinuation that you made a professional misstep to swindle your customer out of a party is ungracious even by bar-fly standards, one does not hold one's customers as accountable as one's friends. You didn't choose him as a friend and you even resisted his now-defunct hospitality.

You can, therefore, afford to placate him, which Miss Manners imagines requires more deference than money. A round of drinks on the house (presuming you have that leeway, or that you will compensate your employer) should do it if you accompany this by the public announcement that he's great and you want to honor him.

: