DEAR ABBY: My mom turns 85 this year. When my father died of congestive heart failure 10 years ago, our family had a clear understanding of Dad's wishes about the end-of-life care he wanted. We knew he didn't want "heroic measures," like a feeding tube or to be on a ventilator. Since Dad had been sick for a few years and he was open to these discussions, Mom felt confident making choices for his care when he could no longer communicate his wishes.

With Mom, it is a completely different story. She refuses to have conversations about this with my siblings and me, and accuses us of being "morbid." Although she has a will, she has made no decisions about a proxy or for her care. Do you have any suggestions for how we can help Mom feel more comfortable having these conversations and documenting her wishes? -- LOVING, NOT MORBID, DAUGHTER

DEAR DAUGHTER: Offer your mother resources that normalize discussions about end-of-life wishes and care. Helping to ensure that she receives the care she wants is not morbid. It is a gift to her and your family. If something happens to a loved one and they can no longer communicate for themselves, you should not have to guess what their wishes would be in a crisis.

Start with the perfect gift for Mom: "Finish Strong: Putting Your Priorities First at Life's End," a book written by Barbara Coombs Lee, the president emerita and senior adviser of Compassion & Choices. Compassion & Choices is an organization I have mentioned before in my column and to which I contribute. It offers a multitude of resources, including "My End-of-Life Decisions: An Advance Planning Guide and Toolkit." It would be a helpful starting point for a discussion with your mother. For more information, visit compassionandchoices.org.

DEAR ABBY: I am a divorced dad with two adult daughters and a 14-year-old daughter. My older daughters are learning to be responsible for themselves, and I'm proud of them. The question I need help with involves my youngest. She doesn't want to go to school. She stays awake on the phone. I have taken two of them from her, yet her mom keeps giving her phones. I have unplugged the Wi-Fi. I've tried talking to my ex about this to no avail.

I'm not perfect. I have said things I regret, but I have always loved my daughters. I have explained that my teen is pushing me away, but my ex doesn't care. My heart hurts. Must I just let go? -- HEART-HURTING DAD

DEAR DAD: Your ex-wife appears to be irresponsible in the care of your daughter. She is also attempting to alienate the girl from you. It is very important to find out why your 14-year-old doesn't want to go to school. Is she being bullied? Has she fallen so far behind that she's afraid she can't catch up? Did the COVID lockdown impair her social skills as it has many other students?

Once you know what you are dealing with, you may be able to do more than lecture her about her truancy, and that is what I am recommending. She may need counseling.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter is attending a pricey college. She will be taking out the maximum of student loans, and we will slowly but surely eat through our entire savings to pay for it.

Her college hires resident assistants (RAs) to help freshmen adjust to college life. In return, the RAs receive free room and board. This would be a tremendous financial help to our family and might also allow us to pay off some of her unsubsidized loans next year.

My daughter has agreed to apply to be an RA for her junior year, but since then, she has become despondent. She says all her friends are moving off-campus and she'll be "stuck" in a freshman dorm. I am sympathetic to her concerns since the social aspect of college life is important. On the other hand, my husband and I are making tremendous sacrifices so she can go to her dream school.

She's generally outgoing, likes socializing and is temperamentally well-suited to an RA position. So, to be completely honest, I'm angry that she's viewing this opportunity as a burden rather than an opportunity to significantly improve her and our family's financial situation by taking a job that could be rewarding.

Am I wrong to ask my daughter to apply for this position? If we were a wealthy family, I would never ask, but we are not. I'm afraid she will face greater sacrifices down the road if she enters the work world with substantial debt. -- NOT MADE OF MONEY IN NEW YORK

DEAR NOT MADE OF MONEY: Although your daughter is enrolled in a pricey college, she appears to be lacking in financial acumen. If she were more mature, she would recognize that this job would benefit your entire family. Because she isn't, it is up to you and her father to impress that fact upon her.

Of course socializing in college is important, but taking the RA position won't entirely preclude that. Being an RA would give her valuable leadership experience, which could help her in the future. Many graduates remember with great fondness the resident assistants they had in college and the guidance they provided.

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law constantly calls my husband and is always reminding him not to forget her. If we don't answer the phone, she'll leave a message asking, "Where is my son?" Then she'll add, "Don't forget about your mother."

I'm tired of it, and my husband won't put a stop to it. He says she's his mother and he needs to respect her. I feel like even after all these years she hasn't cut the cord, and he is still attached. Any advice? -- ANNOYED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ANNOYED: Your mother-in-law appears to be insecure and to crave more attention from her son. This has nothing to do with you, so my advice is to ignore any message that isn't meant for you, and try to be less critical. If being told not to forget his mother bothered your husband, he would deal with it. Trust me on that.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 37-year-old stay-at-home mother of two teens. I've been in a relationship with a guy I'll call "Doug" for four years. I feel he only wants me here for sex. If I say no, he either tries to force it or verbally abuses me.

He tells me if I don't give him sex, I need to leave so he can bring another woman to do it. He will destroy my belongings or call me names. He says it's my fault that he does that to me. I'm not sure what to do here. Is it my fault? -- BAD SCENE IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR BAD SCENE: When a boyfriend (or husband for that matter) forces their partner to have sex, it isn't foreplay; it is rape. That Doug emotionally abuses you or destroys your property if you refuse to accommodate him is not your "fault." ("You made me do it" is something abusers say when they want to avoid taking responsibility for their actions.)

What you need to do now is get out of there as safely as you can. Place a confidential call to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233) and ask for help formulating a plan to safely escape your abuser, because that is what this man is.

DEAR ABBY: A casual friend and neighbor started doing the books at the company where I work. This means she knows my income, which she didn't before. We live in a small town and are on several committees together outside of work, including a board for a local charity and the PTO for our kids' school.

Now that she knows how much I make, she's on my case to be "more generous in my donations" to these groups and is spreading misinformation about my financial situation. For example, when the PTO fundraiser fell flat, she told the group I could make up the difference out of my pocket!

The thing is, she doesn't have the full picture. I donate to organizations she doesn't know about and help to support my oldest nephew, who has a disability and struggles to get by on his own. For now, I'm doing as much as I feel comfortable with, and I don't want to have to divulge all the details of my financial life to get her off my back.

Asking her to stop harassing me has led to more (public) statements about my "stinginess." Now other people in town are starting to ask me to donate to their causes, having gotten the impression I'm hiding deep pockets and have no obligations. How do I get this to stop? I worry about getting the wrong reputation in this community. -- IN A PICKLE IN THE SOUTH

DEAR IN A PICKLE: Financial information is supposed to be kept private, and for a bookkeeper to leak yours is unforgivable, unethical and perhaps illegal! You should have gone to your employer and reported the woman the first time she hit you up for money and discussed your financial status with your neighbors.

Now that the cat is out of the bag, I hope you will discuss this with an attorney and determine what your legal options are. As to anyone who approaches you about contributing to their favorite causes, do not go into detail about what you are funding. Just say no.