DEAR ABBY: A friend of many years, "Adam," no longer speaks to me. We met in high school and were involved in band, debate club and other activities together. He recently discovered through a genealogy site that he was adopted and neither of his parents were his birth parents. The site led him to clues about other biological relatives, and he eventually reached his birth mother, who rejected his efforts to talk to her.

I recently learned about this from another high school friend. When I contacted Adam, he responded with hostility, stating that I am no longer his friend because I didn't reach out when he was going through all this. But I didn't know at the time. I cannot locate any voice messages, emails, texts, etc. showing that he shared with me the details of what happened.

I live in a different part of the country now. I have offered to travel to visit him. I also offered to talk on the phone, but I've received only aggressive and bitter responses. How can I show Adam I do care about him, and that had I known about his situation at the time it happened, I would have been there for him? -- TRUE BLUE IN WASHINGTON

DEAR TRUE BLUE: Your friend is going through a lot right now, and is rightfully angry that his birth mother rejected his effort to connect. He is hurt and looking for somewhere to transfer his anger. You shouldn't be blamed for not reacting to something you were in the dark about. But until Adam is ready to recognize that fact and patch things up, nothing you can do will fix this. My advice is to sit tight for now.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Jessica," is getting married. My husband offered to pay for most of the wedding. Jessica and her fiance happily accepted the offer. My husband is now insisting that all of HIS aunts, uncles and cousins be invited, which means that Jessica and her fiance will have to eliminate nearly all of their friends from the guest list. Note: None of my aunts, uncles or cousins are invited, but I am OK with that.

My husband is now threatening not to attend the wedding because Jessica won't add four more people to the list. He said if those additional people don't come, two of his aunts will be unable to be there due to driving issues.

Is it our responsibility to make travel accommodations for all of the guests? It would eliminate four more of our our daughter's friends. It's Jessica's day, and I think it should involve people she would like to be there, not who her father wants there. We had our wedding -- this should be about her and her fiance. I'm at my wits' end. Please help. -- WEDDING WOES IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR WEDDING WOES: Your husband is a handful. As it stands, he has hijacked your daughter's wedding with his checkbook. Jessica and her fiance should thank her father for his generous offer and refuse it. If she doesn't, the event will no longer be their wedding, but her father's family reunion.

If Dad refuses to go, you definitely should be there standing with the bridal couple. There are worse things than having a small wedding with just a few close friends. One of them is a father as controlling as your husband appears to be.

DEAR ABBY: I have a sister-in-law, "Helen," who has appointed herself as the final word on all family events. No other relative has any input into when, where, what, etc., regarding any family celebration. If it's not her way, it's the highway.

The biggest problem with Helen is she schedules everything on the date that fits her calendar without regard for anyone else's. An example: We once celebrated Christmas in February because that worked best for her. Another time, my wife and I scheduled a complicated vacation around my brother's birthday so we could be there to celebrate with him. Helen moved his birthday party right into the middle of our prepaid vacation.

More examples: Thanksgiving is celebrated in early December, and other significant dates fall whenever she decides and are subject to change at the last moment at her whim. Complying with Helen's one-sided demands makes planning for everyone else a nightmare.

The control doesn't end there. It also includes the venue, menu and guest list. She even puts place cards on the table designating the seating arrangements. As with everything else, these are NOT negotiable. If not complied with, the "offender" is subjected to a minimum of six months of silent treatment and ghosting. How does one deal with this? -- CONTROLLED IN FLORIDA

DEAR CONTROLLED: One deals with this by discussing it with other family members to see if they feel the same as you do and are willing to face the consequences of Helen's extended silences, which, from my perspective, might be a relief. (Then pray she doesn't plan your funeral.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm a nurse who still works full time. Most of my peers are retired. Several of them I've started to avoid at all costs. Each time I talk to them, all they want to talk about are their aches and pains, how sick they are and how mad they are at their kids, siblings or spouse. They aren't just annoyed. They're furious about any real or perceived slight.

I have thought about introducing them all to each other so they could have a group pity party. I have suggested consulting their doctors or trying psychotherapy. I'm just tired of it. I can't stand the negativity or their hypochondria. I feel guilty, but I now dread any phone call, text or invitation to get together. Please help. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I'm worn out. -- POSITIVE PERSON IN THE SOUTH

DEAR POSITIVE PERSON: There comes a time, usually around the age of 50, when some folks begin pruning their friend list. Bluntly put, this means weeding out sources of constant negativity. Because your former peers drag you down with their family dysfunction and "organ recitals," when they try to make contact, remind them that while they are retired and have free time, you still work and are strapped for it -- which is why you can't be involved as often as they want you to be. Being unavailable isn't rude. Sometimes, it's self-defense.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend lost his sister unexpectedly to a heart attack. She was only 50. I'm trying to be there for him and give him his space while he's grieving. The thing is, he has stopped responding or contacting me. Every few days, I'd send him words of support, but he doesn't respond -- not with a "thank you" or anything. This has been happening for the past week.

Finally, I figured that he's ghosting me and no longer wants to be bothered with me but doesn't want to say it. So I told him I didn't want to add to his stress, that I felt he was over our relationship and I wouldn't bother him anymore. He responded, saying I'm taking it too personally, there's nothing I can do to help and it's something he has to go through.

I know that. I understand grieving. But am I supposed to just wait until he feels like talking or being bothered with me, for however long it takes? I'm trying to be understanding, but for someone to just cut you off and not even acknowledge you is awful. I mean, he's completely emotionally unavailable, like I don't exist! I don't know what to do. -- PUSHED ASIDE IN THE SOUTH

DEAR PUSHED: Here's what to do. Back off! Since you understand grieving, you must know that no two people grieve exactly alike or on the same timetable. Your boyfriend has told you explicitly what he needs. If you care about him, give him space and stop personalizing this. His emotional needs must come before your own right now. Distract yourself by seeing friends or involving yourself in activities you can enjoy for the next month or so. If you do, when he's feeling more like himself again, he will come back to you.

DEAR ABBY: I work from home, so I do not need to get dressed up every day. I wear T-shirts and athletic shorts because I usually coach my sons in after-school sports and want to be comfortable. Every day, my wife complains about my appearance, comparing me to other fathers. She also has no problem yelling about it in front of my kids or her family. This happens often. She says, "People won't want to do business with you if you dress like that!"

Anytime I see a client, I dress for the occasion. Since she seems to have no problem saying anything about my appearance, can I say something about the weight she has gained over the last couple of years? Since she says stuff like that to me, I think it's only fair that I should be allowed to say something to her. -- COMFORTABLE IN THE EAST

DEAR COMFORTABLE: Say anything you wish, but before you open your mouth, ask yourself whether it would be helpful or inflame the situation. Many people prefer to dress casually, and sometimes others can be judgmental about it -- your wife being only one of them. As strongly as your wife may feel about your choice of attire, she's wrong to criticize you in front of others, because berating you will not improve the state of your marriage.