DEAR ABBY: My mother is 90 and has been a widow for 10 years. When we moved to this city 30 years ago, my parents made friends with a group of people. In this group was a couple nobody in our family liked (Dad especially), but Mom remained friends with them. Abby, the husband is a smarmy narcissist.

A couple of weeks ago, I went into my mom's house (not unannounced) and found my mom in bed with this man. I can't describe the revulsion I felt. My problem is, I don't know how complicit my mom is, or whether he has been grooming her over the years and is abusing her. That was my initial thought because he tried it with me many years ago.

Mom tried to cover up what was going on ("He was fixing the blinds"), but I can't unsee what I saw. I don't know if she lied because she's complicit or afraid. How do I handle this? I haven't spoken to Mom since, except to voice my disgust the next day. -- DISGUSTED DAUGHTER IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DAUGHTER: Resume talking to your mother. The fact that her lover came on to you years ago is the reason you are concerned about her welfare. That said, you are not the morality police; at 90, your mother deserves to have a sex life if she chooses.

DEAR ABBY: There's this guy I've been friends with since ninth grade whom I have always had a crush on. We talk, and he's a funny and nice guy, but he gives me mixed signals. He's shy and not overly affectionate. He doesn't go to parties or events like that. I want to make a move, but I'm afraid if I do, I'll creep him out.

I want to respect his privacy and boundaries, but I also don't want to miss out on a chance to get to know him more. I have made it my goal to get to know him as a friend and classmate before trying to get to know him romantically. I feel a connection to him, unlike previous crushes or relationships I have had.

My mom keeps telling me I'm too young to tie myself down to a guy (I'm 17) and to keep my options open, but I feel content with him, and I've never felt as much in common with anyone the way I do with him. My friends sometimes laugh at the idea that I like him, but even under all his introverted reclusiveness, I see an amazing human being and a wonderful guy. Any advice? -- CRUSHING HARD IN MARYLAND

DEAR CRUSHING: I'm glad you are taking this slowly because it may take some time for this person to develop romantic feelings for you (or anyone). Keep talking and joking with him. If an event comes up, consider asking him to join you and your other friends. If he responds positively, keep doing it, and slowly he may come around. I wish you luck.

DEAR READERS: Along with the millions of Americans who are observing this Memorial Day, I would like to add my own prayer of thanks for those courageous men and women who have sacrificed their lives in service to our country. May they rest in peace. -- LOVE, ABBY

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were married nine years. He unexpectedly left me when COVID first hit. We were apart for a year and eight months and ended up divorcing. I filed because, even though I didn't want to believe it, I eventually accepted that it was over. Even though he hadn't actually filed the papers, he had taken all other necessary steps. It was the first time in my life I had ever felt this level of heartbreak.

After time passed, he reached out and wanted to reconcile. We've been back together ever since, and he has asked me to get remarried. I happily agreed because he has been in therapy and made amazing changes.

My friends have mixed feelings about our remarrying. They saw how devastated I was when he left and how hard I worked to pick myself up and start over. We didn't have a wedding our first time, so this time we are planning to have one. The date is set and the venue is booked. I have all these feelings of excitement, but it's hard to share them because they get dismissed or there's a snide comment from my friends.

They were there for me when we split up, and I understand their hesitation. They don't want me hurt again. But it's starting to hurt my feelings and makes me question if having a wedding is advisable. -- HAPPY BUT CONFLICTED

DEAR HAPPY BUT CONFLICTED: The date is set, the venue is booked and you are happy. The next time any of your friends makes a sarcastic comment, tell them you don't appreciate it and you aren't going to change your plans. Tell them they are on the guest list, but if they can't attend your wedding and wish you a happy future, they're free to send their regrets. They may be protective, but at this point, they need to ease up on their resentment and give you both a chance to start over.

DEAR ABBY: One of my dear friends is Christian. She knows I'm Jewish. I don't expect her to acknowledge many of the Jewish holidays because I'm sure she's unfamiliar with them. However, Hanukkah is ubiquitous, and it would be nice if she would wish me a "Happy Hanukkah."

Every year, she wishes me a "Merry Christmas," buys me a Christmas gift and a Christmas card. She's a truly nice person, and I don't think she's deliberately being dismissive or insensitive. I have mentioned this to her several times over the years, but it seems to fall on deaf ears. Without insulting her or seeming ungrateful, how can I let her know this bothers me? -- OBSERVANT IN OHIO

DEAR OBSERVANT: If she's a dear friend, she's not likely trying to upset you. A month before the beginning of Hanukkah this year, "remind" her that you do not celebrate the Christian holiday of Christmas. It should allow her enough time to find a suitable card for you. If she forgets after that, do not exile her into the wilderness, but forgive her.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I play on a pool team. About a year ago, the team captain looked at my wife and said, "So, can I play with your lower private area?" (He didn't use those words.) My wife, who is very shy, was shocked.

He has made dumb comments before, and I've warned him several times. This time when I told him, he was dumb enough to invite me outside. I slapped him around a bit. We are both big guys. I'm 6-foot-4, 300 pounds. He's as tall, maybe a few pounds lighter.

Now the members of the league here have shunned my wife and me. Was I wrong? Should I have let that guy talk to my wife like that? -- SECOND-GUESSING IN THE SOUTH

DEAR SECOND-GUESSING: Violence is never the answer. You and your wife should have left as soon as those words were uttered. As for the rest of the league shunning you, I think it's time you found another league to play pool with -- one with nice people to compete with, rather than animals.

DEAR ABBY: A friend of mine just passed away, and while I was visiting with my daughter, I mentioned it. My daughter's response to the sad news was, "I don't care. I didn't know them!" I told her I thought her response was rude.

When they were young, I always taught my children to treat others the way you expect them to treat you, and if you don't have something nice to say, say nothing. When I heard what she said, I felt I had failed in my duty as a parent to teach her the values my parents instilled in me.

Maybe, since I'm sad for the loss of my friend, I took what she said wrong. Any advice on how I should approach this with my daughter would be greatly appreciated. -- FEELING LIKE A FAILURE

DEAR FEELING: Your daughter appears to lack any sense of empathy. What she said was unkind and dismissive. She may be self-centered, or was annoyed with you or about something else going on in her life when she said it. You have every right to tell her how her comment affected you at a time when you were feeling vulnerable. But don't blame yourself for your daughter's insensitivity. That's on her, not you.

DEAR ABBY: I am a loving husband of a wonderful wife of 40-plus years, but I have one issue with her that I can't understand. If I mention, in a very carefully worded manner, something she does that annoys me, she retaliates by bringing up things from decades in the past about me.

I have corrected my past behaviors, but she seems to use this as a way of "twisting the knife," knowing it hurts me. I have tried explaining this to her, but she still does it. Do I just ignore her annoying behavior? Is this her defensive way of getting back at me? What should I do? -- WOUNDED IN COLORADO

DEAR WOUNDED: Your wife is not getting back at you for anything. What she is doing is avoiding owning up to the fact that something she does annoys you instead of apologizing or correcting it. Remember the saying "the best defense is a strong offense"? This is an example of it.