DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 16 years, but after the birth of my first child, our marriage went downhill. My husband withdrew and went out with friends often. When my brother was in the hospital, I traveled three hours with my newborn baby to visit him. My husband drove up separately, stayed a few hours, then left to go to a concert with a female friend.

Our sex life dwindled down to nothing, and I felt like we were roommates. I became depressed and started having manic episodes. I'm on medication now and taking care of myself. I have always resented my husband for this. We have two kids now, and I'm afraid if I leave him it will hurt the children. I tried three different marriage counselors with him, but he wasn't interested.

I now spend my time doing everything with the kids and focusing on my well-being. I met an old high school acquaintance on Facebook, and our friendship has turned romantic. I don't see him often, but when I do, I want to be with him always. We are both scared of what could happen. I love him so much. He is kind, sweet and caring. Do I wait until the kids are 18 to leave? -- READY FOR CHANGE IN THE EAST

DEAR READY: Make an appointment to talk with an attorney. When you do, be sure to ask what kind of financial information you may need to ensure you get a fair settlement should you decide to end this charade of a marriage.

Once you have the information, tell your husband that the status quo isn't good enough for you and offer him one more chance at marriage counseling. If he refuses -- and he probably will -- proceed with setting yourself free.

Raising children in the atmosphere you have described may be more damaging than getting a divorce. A warning, however: Once you become available on a full-time basis, your lover may not be ready or willing to become your knight in shining armor. Be prepared to fend for yourself, just in case.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in love with two men at the same time, but one of them happens to be dead. Twelve years ago, I met a wonderful man, "Carl." We had each other at "Hello" and became engaged two weeks later. We were very happily married until I lost him to cancer six years later.

Two years after I lost Carl, I decided to dip my toe back in the dating pool. A few months later, I met "Philip." We also were immediately attracted to each other and are very happy together. We've been a couple for four years and will be married this summer. He's very understanding about my feelings and memories of Carl. Am I wrong to marry this man I love dearly when I still have feelings for my late husband? -- WONDERING WIDOW IN MISSOURI

DEAR WONDERING WIDOW: When a spouse dies, the love the couple had for each other doesn't also die. The love you feel for Carl can last as long as you do, and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. I have said many times that grief is an individual process. That you have fallen in love with Philip doesn't lessen your love for your late husband. Celebrate your good fortune. I wish you and Philip a lifetime of happiness together.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 42 and my guy friend is 59. He's a wonderful person and a great provider. I've known him for about a year now, but he seems a bit controlling. He wants me around seven days a week and expects me to be this submissive woman that I'm not. I'm very independent. I always earned my way in life with little to no help at all.

I'm not perfect. I admit I can be a little confusing at times. But his constant complaining about how I'm not there confuses me. When I come over and hang out and spend time with him, he pushes me away and says it is my fault. Mind you, I have a 7-year-old daughter. I like him a lot, but he tends to be too much. Should I let it go or try to find some common ground and work things out? -- CONFUSED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR CONFUSED: I would vote for the former. Because you have a young daughter to care for, you cannot be at this "wonderful" high-maintenance man's beck and call 24/7. If you can convey that to him, it may save the relationship. However, if he can't accept reality, you are better off moving on without him. You need a partner who is prepared to accept you for who you actually are rather than who he wants you to be.

DEAR ABBY: My brother passed away six months ago. With difficulty, I am coping. We were very close. Our birthdays were four days apart, and we enjoyed many celebrations together over the years.

My birthday is coming up and I'm dreading the day. Worse than being sad is pretending that I'm not. My immediate family understands I don't want any cards or "Happy Birthday" greetings. Would it be appropriate for me to contact people before the day and ask them not to send cards or gifts? I cringe at the thought of any celebration this year, or having to thank people for the attention. Can I throw any cards I receive in the trash? It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to. -- SURVIVING SIS IN THE WEST

DEAR SIS: Considering your loss, there's nothing inappropriate about telling friends and family you do not want to celebrate this upcoming birthday. Tell your closest friends and family members what your wishes are, and post it on the internet as well. If you receive anything after that, you are free to do with it whatever you wish, including donating or trashing it.

DEAR ABBY: Every time I leave the house, my wife needs a play-by-play as to where I am going, how long I'll be away, etc. Years ago, I used to be a player, but age has caught up with me. Advice? -- GETTING FRUSTRATED IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR GETTING FRUSTRATED: I find it disappointing that you have only stopped cheating because time, and not your conscience, finally caught up with you. Tell your wife what she needs to know. It's the price you are paying to regain your credibility and her trust.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful man for two years. He has two grown children, 27 and 21. Both have good jobs and work full time. I have a son who is 12. The issue is family vacations, and paying for things while on vacation.

I feel that since his children are adults, they should help pay for meals, lodging and activities. I'm not saying pay for the entire bill, but throw in $20 for a meal or even offer to pay for something. Don't just expect him or me to pay because it's a family vacation. My 12-year-old paid for his meals on his own because he thinks it's cool -- it made him feel responsible and like an adult. We took a vacation with his 21-year-old, and not once did she offer to pay, or even say thank you.

We get into arguments about this before vacations. I know they're not my kids, but what he's teaching them is that Dad will always pay for everything, even when they have families of their own. Please advise. -- MIFFED IN MINNESOTA

DEAR MIFFED: Your gentleman friend's "children" behave this way because they have been taught to by their father, who appears to enjoy being the beneficent provider. If you're smart, you will quit starting arguments about this because the dynamic isn't going to change, and he will grow to resent you for it. If you persist, you may wind up ruining your relationship with a "wonderful" man.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have no kids. His family (sister, cousins, etc.) hosts family gatherings two to four times a month. My husband and I both work. My own family does not have many gatherings. I have a hobby I would like to pursue, and I'm considering pursuing it more deeply when I retire. He complains that I want to spend what's left of our weekend on it.

I can't seem to get across to my husband that although I like his family, I don't want to see them to the exclusion of my hobbies and our collective interests. He and his parents expect me at all of these events. I go, and when I do, I have a good time, but that doesn't mean I don't want time to myself.

Unfortunately, my husband isn't interested in my hobby. There are other activities we do together, although we don't have a lot of time for them given his family events. How do I get across to him that he should be supportive? -- NEEDING BALANCE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR NEEDING BALANCE: What you should get across to your husband is that you would have more time to be together if you saw his family less often than four times a month. If that's not acceptable to him, he can sometimes go without you. Try it and you may find there is more quality time to spend with him on some of those weekends.

DEAR READERS: I wish a very Happy Mother's Day to mothers everywhere -- birth mothers, adoptive and foster mothers, stepmothers, grandmothers who are raising their grandchildren, and dual-role dads. Orchids to all of you for the love you give not only today, but each and every day. -- LOVE, ABBY