DEAR ABBY: I'm 42 and my guy friend is 59. He's a wonderful person and a great provider. I've known him for about a year now, but he seems a bit controlling. He wants me around seven days a week and expects me to be this submissive woman that I'm not. I'm very independent. I always earned my way in life with little to no help at all.

I'm not perfect. I admit I can be a little confusing at times. But his constant complaining about how I'm not there confuses me. When I come over and hang out and spend time with him, he pushes me away and says it is my fault. Mind you, I have a 7-year-old daughter. I like him a lot, but he tends to be too much. Should I let it go or try to find some common ground and work things out? -- CONFUSED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR CONFUSED: I would vote for the former. Because you have a young daughter to care for, you cannot be at this "wonderful" high-maintenance man's beck and call 24/7. If you can convey that to him, it may save the relationship. However, if he can't accept reality, you are better off moving on without him. You need a partner who is prepared to accept you for who you actually are rather than who he wants you to be.

DEAR ABBY: My brother passed away six months ago. With difficulty, I am coping. We were very close. Our birthdays were four days apart, and we enjoyed many celebrations together over the years.

My birthday is coming up and I'm dreading the day. Worse than being sad is pretending that I'm not. My immediate family understands I don't want any cards or "Happy Birthday" greetings. Would it be appropriate for me to contact people before the day and ask them not to send cards or gifts? I cringe at the thought of any celebration this year, or having to thank people for the attention. Can I throw any cards I receive in the trash? It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to. -- SURVIVING SIS IN THE WEST

DEAR SIS: Considering your loss, there's nothing inappropriate about telling friends and family you do not want to celebrate this upcoming birthday. Tell your closest friends and family members what your wishes are, and post it on the internet as well. If you receive anything after that, you are free to do with it whatever you wish, including donating or trashing it.

DEAR ABBY: Every time I leave the house, my wife needs a play-by-play as to where I am going, how long I'll be away, etc. Years ago, I used to be a player, but age has caught up with me. Advice? -- GETTING FRUSTRATED IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR GETTING FRUSTRATED: I find it disappointing that you have only stopped cheating because time, and not your conscience, finally caught up with you. Tell your wife what she needs to know. It's the price you are paying to regain your credibility and her trust.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful man for two years. He has two grown children, 27 and 21. Both have good jobs and work full time. I have a son who is 12. The issue is family vacations, and paying for things while on vacation.

I feel that since his children are adults, they should help pay for meals, lodging and activities. I'm not saying pay for the entire bill, but throw in $20 for a meal or even offer to pay for something. Don't just expect him or me to pay because it's a family vacation. My 12-year-old paid for his meals on his own because he thinks it's cool -- it made him feel responsible and like an adult. We took a vacation with his 21-year-old, and not once did she offer to pay, or even say thank you.

We get into arguments about this before vacations. I know they're not my kids, but what he's teaching them is that Dad will always pay for everything, even when they have families of their own. Please advise. -- MIFFED IN MINNESOTA

DEAR MIFFED: Your gentleman friend's "children" behave this way because they have been taught to by their father, who appears to enjoy being the beneficent provider. If you're smart, you will quit starting arguments about this because the dynamic isn't going to change, and he will grow to resent you for it. If you persist, you may wind up ruining your relationship with a "wonderful" man.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have no kids. His family (sister, cousins, etc.) hosts family gatherings two to four times a month. My husband and I both work. My own family does not have many gatherings. I have a hobby I would like to pursue, and I'm considering pursuing it more deeply when I retire. He complains that I want to spend what's left of our weekend on it.

I can't seem to get across to my husband that although I like his family, I don't want to see them to the exclusion of my hobbies and our collective interests. He and his parents expect me at all of these events. I go, and when I do, I have a good time, but that doesn't mean I don't want time to myself.

Unfortunately, my husband isn't interested in my hobby. There are other activities we do together, although we don't have a lot of time for them given his family events. How do I get across to him that he should be supportive? -- NEEDING BALANCE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR NEEDING BALANCE: What you should get across to your husband is that you would have more time to be together if you saw his family less often than four times a month. If that's not acceptable to him, he can sometimes go without you. Try it and you may find there is more quality time to spend with him on some of those weekends.

DEAR READERS: I wish a very Happy Mother's Day to mothers everywhere -- birth mothers, adoptive and foster mothers, stepmothers, grandmothers who are raising their grandchildren, and dual-role dads. Orchids to all of you for the love you give not only today, but each and every day. -- LOVE, ABBY

DEAR ABBY: My 23-year-old daughter and her first and only boyfriend have begun to talk marriage. Although I think he's a wonderful, smart, compassionate young man who seems to adore my daughter, I have one major concern: his unhealthy habits.

When my daughter introduced him to us seven years ago, he was a little overweight. Since then, I've watched him pack on at least 25 pounds a year, and he's now morbidly obese. His diet is horrible, and he never exercises. He also drinks and smokes, although not excessively.

My daughter, on the other hand, is petite, athletic and clean-living. Her habits haven't rubbed off on him. I know enough about weight gain and health to be deeply concerned about the trend I'm seeing. Her boyfriend is fast approaching the super-morbidly-obese range and has limited mobility. He graduated near the top of their college class, but hasn't had a stable job since. I'm afraid it's only going to get harder for him to get hired in the future.

What's making me even more upset is my blindly-in-love, naive daughter seems to have lost interest in pursuing a career of her own and is thinking this guy is going to take care of her. She has no clue that her boyfriend's the one who's likely to need taking care of before long, and she's going to find it mighty difficult to both work and care for a man who towers over her and weighs nearly four times what she does.

So far, I haven't said anything about this. I'm happy my daughter has found someone who's kind, funny and loving, and whose family is so welcoming to her. I don't want her to lose this guy; I just want them to get on a better track. I think they both need a reality check. Should I say something, or is it not my place? -- FRETTING MOM

DEAR MOM: Talk to your daughter about your concerns, all of which are valid. Your daughter should not put her career on the back burner because, as you have pointed out, she may need it. Make sure she understands that her boyfriend's choices will affect not only her future, but possibly her children's, so this is a serious subject you will bring up only once.

If this romance does progress to marriage -- and I wish them a long and happy one -- they should make estate planning a priority just in case. When love is in the air, we all expect a happy ending, but all too often fate intervenes.

DEAR ABBY: I was born in America to parents who emigrated from Pakistan. Over the last few years, I have noticed a trend at Pakistani weddings: The invitations clearly say "no boxed gifts," which is obviously code for "we want money" instead. Have you or your readers ever heard of this? I think it's in poor taste, but it's common at our weddings. I can't remember the last one that DIDN'T request "no boxed gifts" on the invitation. What do you, or your readers, think about this? -- JUST GIVE ME MONEY

DEAR JUST GIVE ME MONEY: In some cultures, gifts of money are expected. Was it a tradition when your parents lived in Pakistan? In any case, according to the rules of etiquette, any mention of gifts on a wedding invitation is considered a social blunder.