DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married for five years, with two children. I have been putting my hands on her in such a bad way that she's saying we are no longer a family and she wants a divorce. I need my wife and children back. It hurts me to stay away.

I'm currently going to church and Sunday school and Bible study. I have been praying many hours these past few weeks, and it is helping me. I will do anything and everything I can to get my family back because I don't want to lose them. What can I do to get them back? -- LEARNING A LESSON IN NEVADA

DEAR LEARNING: A good first step would be for you to gain some insight about what triggers you to act out violently. Was physical abuse an example that was set by your parents? Does it happen because you have a substance abuse problem? A course in anger management could help you break this destructive pattern. Search online for a program near you. After that, if your wife sees you are making a sincere effort, she may trust you enough to risk reuniting. A warning, however: Do not pressure her. This will have to be her decision.

DEAR ABBY: I'm friends with three people who got into a series of arguments. One of them no longer talks to the other two. I have remained friends with all three and I told them I want to remain neutral. I wasn't around when the arguments took place, and I don't want to be involved. One friend says that because I'm still friends with the other two, I'm taking their side and condoning how they treated her.

I didn't see the fights and I'm not condoning anyone's behavior. The one friend has now stopped being friends with me. I would like to be friends with everyone. Is this person right about me condoning the other two's actions by remaining silent and continuing my friendship with them? -- STAYING OUT OF IT IN MONTANA

DEAR STAYING OUT: No, they are not. What they are doing is trying to manipulate you. Repeat what you told them, and tell them that if they can't accept that you want to remain neutral, they will have lost another friend.

DEAR ABBY: I have a new job in a small office. I have never been comfortable meeting new people or learning a new job, so in order to appear friendly, I'd chime in to the office conversations. A couple of times, I have revealed too much of my life. Later, I found out the owner audio records the office. Everyone else knew it, but I was NEVER informed. Now I'm more embarrassed than ever, knowing that my information is now on record. I have since learned to self-censor. Abby, is it a common and legal practice for employers to bug offices? -- BIG MOUTH IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR BIG MOUTH: This is a question you should ask an attorney who specializes in employment law. In several states, it is illegal for an employer to record conversations without first informing all the parties involved. You should have been informed at the time you were hired that this was company policy.

DEAR ABBY: I am a first-generation Mexican American who married into a Caucasian blended family. My husband, my stepdaughter, "Lisa," and her mother and stepfather make up a beautiful unit. I have no children. Although my family initially ruffled at my interracial marriage, they got with the program -- so much so that we invited Lisa to partake in a coming-of-age rite, the quinceanera. We were excited to update and modify it as much as possible so all sets of parents, grandparents and other family could be involved.

Suddenly, when Lisa was 14 -- a year before the quinceanera, when planning should be ramped up, not down -- my extended family went into radio silence. Despite our attempts to encourage, coach and generate excitement, we were led to believe Lisa had gotten cold feet and was reconsidering the event.

We honored her wishes and planned to find other ways to make her feel special. Two weeks before her 15th birthday, Lisa sent me an invitation for her quinceanera! Abby, words cannot express how heartbroken I feel. I was supposed to teach her about the cultural significance of what she was embarking on. I attended anyway, making sure to shower her with praise and put on a good face. However, in addition to being devastated, I was deeply offended. Of course, because no one bothered to check in, many features of the rite were handled improperly.

I've been holding my tongue for Lisa's sake since I'm afraid this could cause a rift with her mother. What I don't want is for Lisa to think my feelings have anything to do with something she may have done. For the sake of peace, is continued silence better? -- MADRE DE LA QUINCEANERA

DEAR MADRE: Your feelings of hurt and frustration are understandable. But Lisa chose to celebrate her birthday the way she and her mom wanted -- and that was her privilege. Rather than give the girl an authentic quinceanera and an understanding of the meaning of that milestone, it appears her mother and stepfather opted instead for "quinceanera-light." Do not pick a fight over this. Move on. But do continue to share with Lisa everything you have to offer -- your wisdom, your experience and your cultural heritage -- from now on.

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a domestic partnership for more than 30 years. I have suggested couples counseling for the past 10 of them, but my partner has never followed through. I'm willing to give all my assets to her so I won't worry about her future financial needs, but I don't know how to leave her without getting into an ugly war, which will make me feel guilty. Please advise. -- WALKING ON EGGSHELLS

DEAR WALKING: Because this domestic partnership is no longer working, I do have a couple of suggestions. The first is to talk with a licensed mental health professional about the guilt you are feeling. Do this before you decide to "give away the store." My other suggestion is to consult an attorney about what kind of settlement would be fair to both of you before signing over any assets.

DEAR ABBY: I divorced my husband of 12 years. We were together for 16. We had a 4-year-old at the time we separated. To avoid possible loss of the 401(k) or to have to pay him alimony, I didn't ask him for child support. I knew he wasn't able to afford it at the time. He has since gotten a good job but hasn't offered to financially support his daughter. My new fiance has no respect for him because of this.

I have let it go to keep the peace so we can co-parent and my now-9-year-old daughter won't have to see what is going on. This is becoming a problem on holidays because we've always celebrated with her together. She has grown to love that we do this for her. However, my fiance doesn't want to be a part of those special moments. He doesn't think my daughter would mind, and he doesn't want to risk losing his cool in front of her.

This is putting a strain on our relationship. Is it wrong of me to want him to fake it so we can all get along? Or is he wrong to make other plans to avoid these situations? -- FOR HER SAKE IN GEORGIA

DEAR FOR HER SAKE: Because your ex-husband's employment circumstances have improved since the divorce, have a calm, adult conversation with him. Many exes would not have been as understanding as you have been. Because he can now afford it, he should share in the cost of raising his daughter. If you can reach an agreement, have an attorney draw up a document in writing. However, if he isn't willing to step up, contact a lawyer who specializes in family law to discuss what your next steps should be.

Also, with your new engagement, your personal circumstances have changed. Your fiance should not be compelled to interact with your ex if it makes him uncomfortable.

DEAR ABBY: My husband passed away a year ago from a long ordeal with Alzheimer's. Before he died, I invited my soon-to-be retired sister to come live with me. We had been close throughout our lives, and I thought it would be good for both of us.

My problem is, I have casually dated several men since my husband's death. I have welcomed the companionship and the affection I had been missing long before my husband passed. My sister, who is somewhat reclusive, has expressed that I shouldn't be doing this and has gone so far as to say that she doesn't want to live in a "whore house." She also makes derogatory comments about any gentleman I have introduced her to.

I think that, at my age, I should be able to do what I wish in my own home. But because of how she reacts, I no longer have any gentlemen or women friends over because all she does is denigrate all of them. I'm tired of walking on eggshells around her. Are there any options other than asking her to move? -- LIVING AS I WANT IN WASHINGTON

DEAR LIVING: No, there aren't. Your sister should not be ruling your social life. The sooner you help her find another place to live, the healthier it will be for both of you. Start now.