DEAR ABBY: My two siblings and I were raised by an abusive, alcoholic father. Predictably, it has adversely affected our mental health adversely. One sibling struggles with alcoholism and substance abuse. The other has a personality disorder and cannot maintain stable relationships. I cope with comparatively fewer severe issues, but I still must work hard to sustain a marriage and my career and raise healthy children. It isn't easy.

My siblings' issues have disrupted my emotional health and family life, which is why I keep them at a distance. Lately, they have expressed feeling abandoned. Other family members call me selfish and say I'm obligated to help them because I'm "the successful one." I do feel some guilt for not helping more, as we all survived the same toxic childhood. Yet, my emotional bandwidth is limited. Frankly, people with alcoholism and personality disorders are hard to be around, even if they are family. Is it selfish to prioritize my well-being by maintaining distance from my siblings? -- THEIR BROTHER

DEAR BROTHER: Your first priority must be your emotional health. Next should be the well-being of your spouse and children and the career that enables you to provide for them. If maintaining some distance from these siblings is selfish, then call it "enlightened" selfishness. Help them to the extent you can, but do not allow yourself to be emotionally arm-twisted by other relatives who remain on the sidelines.

DEAR ABBY: I've lived in my apartment for almost 10 years and had the same downstairs neighbor since I moved in. About three years ago, I began noticing an odor coming from her apartment. It's hard to describe other than the worst body odor imaginable. It's so bad that I can't open my sliding door or windows in the summer because the smell drifts into my home. She is not the type of person I can approach about this no matter how gently I word it. I'm to the point where I feel I should file a complaint with management. It could be a hoarding situation, which could lead to health issues or pests. There are only four units in my building, and I know my other two neighbors would never complain. It would be obvious it was me, which would make for a very uncomfortable living situation. So far, no one else I know has had advice, so I am desperate for any suggestions. -- DISGUSTED IN OREGON

DEAR DISGUSTED: Have you spoken to your other neighbors about this? Have they noticed the odor, too? If any of them tells you yes, then absolutely discuss what has been happening, and for how long, with the building management company. There may, indeed, be health and safety issues involved. (Could she have a dead animal in there?) Please do not remain silent. For everyone's sake, this should be checked out.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 32-year-old mom of four (11-month-old twins, a 4-year-old and a 6-year-old). I've been married for six years. I'm a Southern girl, but my husband is an immigrant to this country. When he emigrated, he settled in the North. I have always told him before and during our marriage that I don't like the North. I want to move somewhere down south or at least the middle of the country. We are currently in the process of house-hunting, and he keeps showing me homes in the North, even though he knows I don't want to live here. I understand that he loves our stability here and the friends we've made over the years, but we have so much flexibility with our jobs that we can move to someplace we both love. Recently, he said I could go and live in the South if I want to -- alone. So now I'm wondering, should I break up our family and take him at his word, or keep talking to him about it until I get his OK? -- NEGATIVE ON THE NORTH

DEAR NEGATIVE: Base the decision about where to live less on geography and more on where your children can get the best education and where the cost of living is more affordable. That your husband has informed you (four kids later) that he has no intention of compromising is regrettable. Because you feel so strongly about returning to your roots, you may be able to do it once the children are grown. I do not think it is worth breaking up a marriage over -- unless this is your husband's way of addressing every disagreement.

DEAR ABBY: Almost four years ago, I married a friend I had known since 1989. She was a widow, and we unexpectedly fell in love. The first three years, she spoke constantly about her late husband. I lovingly and quietly told her a few times that I didn't think she'd like it if I mentioned my late wife and former women friends so often. It continued. I can't stand hearing his name anymore. It makes me feel ranked way down in order of importance, after her four kids, her dead husband and herself. Over the last six months or so, she finally got it and no longer mentions him, but I'm still upset knowing I'm number seven on her list. Will I ever be able to get over this? She found a note months ago in which I described my feelings on this, and in it I mentioned I didn't want to be married to her anymore. Any advice would be appreciated. -- UNIMPORTANT IN FLORIDA

DEAR UNIMPORTANT: The woman you married has a lot of history, as I am sure you do. It's not unheard of for someone to mention the name of their departed spouse years later, but your wife was insensitive to continue doing so after you told her it made you uncomfortable. If her relationship with her adult children gets in the way of her relationship with you, it should be discussed during marriage counseling. If you truly feel you are last on her list of priorities, you have to decide if you want to end the marriage or whether, when you wrote that note, you were simply blowing off steam.

DEAR ABBY: I am an active widower with five grown children. Although three of them live in the same city and two live in a city nearby, I haven't heard from or seen them as often over the past few years as I would like. I realized recently that I miss their company and I'd like them to call or see me more often.

I understand they have their own lives, but I don't think I'm asking too much. I'd like them to understand that a "pill" won't cure me of loneliness, as they suggest when I tell them I am slowing down. Their answer is to tell me to see a doctor.

I can't talk to them about increasing our visits and communication because I was raised with the idea that you automatically respect your elders and parents shouldn't have to ask their children to visit them or call to ask how they are doing more than every few months. I thought perhaps reading this in your column might remind them not to wait until it is too late. Have you any suggestions on how to encourage my children to involve me more in their lives? -- LONELY IN COLORADO

DEAR LONELY: You don't have a communication problem. Your "children" have gotten the message. Rid yourself of the idea that your children should call you out of obligation. If you want more contact, pick up the phone and call them. Also, you should be socializing with contemporaries. Your problem may be too much time on your hands. If you are able-bodied, fill some of that time by volunteering in your community. It's a terrific way to meet people who may be more than willing to include you in their activities.

DEAR ABBY: I have two younger sisters. The middle one is my best friend (next to my husband). The youngest is a nightmare. She's manipulative and nasty, and nothing is ever good enough for her. She's a cancer survivor and no longer able to live by herself. My middle sister has been bending over backward to help her in significant ways (managing her insurance and finding a nursing home for her to live in), but neither of us will allow her to live with us. She is too destructive, controlling and toxic.

Our sister has now decided the nursing home isn't good enough. She is talking about going to live with a friend in another state. The friend has tentatively agreed. My middle sister and I both believe her friend has no idea what she is letting herself in for, and that her life is going to be taken over by my youngest sister.

I believe the right thing for me to do would be to call the friend and warn her NOT to allow my youngest sister to come live with her, but that seems like a terrible thing to do to my youngest sister. What should I do? -- SISTER DRAMA IN THE WEST

DEAR SISTER DRAMA: What you should do is stay out of it! Your sister has resumed control over her life. Bravo! Whether or not it pans out, the outcome will be her responsibility. If in the coming months her friend rolls up the welcome mat, the alternative for your sister will be the nursing facility. Period.