DEAR ABBY: My brother passed away. He and my sister-in-law had a good marriage. A month after his funeral, my sister-in-law gave her kids their father's clothes, instructed them to go through them, keep what they wanted or sell or donate the rest. It has been barely a year. Now she's redecorating their house -- painting, taking down pictures and buying new furniture.

This bothers me greatly. I'm so hurt that everything is being changed. It's like she's trying to erase him -- all within one year! Should I ask her why everything is being changed and disposed of so soon? And should I feel so hurt about this? -- UNSURE HOW TO FEEL

DEAR UNSURE: Your former sister-in-law appears to be more pragmatic than sentimental, and there is nothing wrong with that. She knew her late husband could no longer use his wardrobe, and saw no reason to keep the items hanging in the closet. That she offered his clothes to her children was appropriate. That she is now making changes to the house is not unusual. People are cautioned not to make "important decisions" for about a year after a spouse passes, and your former SIL has wisely refrained.

If you want to ask her why she's changing things, do so in a non-accusatory way that won't offend her. I suspect that you are feeling hurt because you are still not ready to accept that your brother is gone forever. You might find it helpful to talk about it with someone with expertise in the grieving process.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for nine years. While we were dating, he was kind, considerate and loving. After we married, he turned into a chronic complainer, something he later confessed he had been hiding while we dated.

He talks to me like I'm trash and then gets nice when he wants something. He complains about my grown children, my best friend and even if I leave for work a couple of minutes early. He is a miserable person. I cannot do anything to make him happy. I can't take this anymore.

He has taken the things away from me that I love -- flowers, gardening, pets, books, friends, etc. I'm ready to leave, but he has cancer and I'd feel guilty. He is clear right now, but it will come back.

I don't want to stay. Life is too short to live this way. He has a great support system with his family. They would take care of him. My health has been affected by him and his terrible attitude. What do I do? -- WORN-OUT WIFE

DEAR WIFE: What you do now is consult a lawyer, pack your bags and leave before he worsens. Do not expect your husband to be grateful for any of the efforts you have made on his behalf during the course of your marriage. During the time you were dating, he hid from you the fact that he was a verbal abuser. Now you know he was a fraud. Don't feel guilty for protecting yourself and reclaiming your life.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in a three-year relationship, but my significant other, "Ron," is extremely cautious about emotional attachment. It took him two years to tell me he loves me or even to express any form of serious affection. In addition, he's consumed by his job and worries about how his co-workers perceive him. He seems to prioritize work relationships over our relationship.

Because I have been depressed by the meager affection he shows me, I began an intimate relationship with a former co-worker, "Dan." Dan expresses no reservations or restraint in his feelings for me. He makes me feel appreciated, beautiful and loved.

I have strong feelings for them both and realize I have created a horrible situation. I don't want to abandon a stable, caring relationship that was cultivated over three years, and I'm terrified that ending the relationship in favor of one with Dan would be something I'll regret later. But I'm unwilling to break things off with Dan. I'd appreciate any advice. -- TWO-TIMER ON THE EAST COAST

DEAR 'TWO-TIMER': I'll try. Because your relationship with Ron left you feeling so empty that you went looking for solace in another man's arms, ask yourself whether you really love Ron or just the challenge of getting him to finally commit to you. You are unwilling to give Dan up because he gives you affection and validation, which are vital in a long-term relationship.

Recognize that you are cheating on both men, which is fair to neither one -- and do not think that Ron won't find out. If you want to spend your life with an emotionally unavailable workaholic, do the honorable thing and break up with Dan. If what you have been getting from Dan is more important to you, well, you know the drill.

DEAR ABBY: My oldest daughter recently had her first child. She sent out christening invitations a month early after clearing the date with the godparents, church and venue.

My youngest adult daughter, who has two children and lives nearby, declined the invite. (She is not the godparent.) Her reason was that she and her family had tickets to a ballgame on the same day as the christening. I suggested that only she attend and have another relative go to the game in her place, but was told she should be at the game with her family. Your thoughts? -- PRIORITIES IN FLORIDA

DEAR PRIORITIES: My first thought is that your younger daughter ranks her love of sports above her love for her sister. My second thought is that her priorities are out of whack. Could there be bad blood between them? Long after that ballgame is over and forgotten, the memory of her absence at that important family event will be remembered by the relatives she snubbed.

DEAR ABBY: I have no family and few friends -- nobody close. My live-in girlfriend of two years and I argue constantly. We no longer share a bedroom, and I feel more like a roommate. I honestly feel I'm being used for money. Her 24-year-old son died from an overdose two months ago, so I can't help but feel sorry for her. She isn't working, and I don't know when she can return.

I don't have the money to move. I wish I did. I'm miserable, she's miserable and I feel stuck. I'm 46; she's 44. I pay rent and 50% of the utilities, which is fine. But how can I ever get out? Moving isn't cheap anymore.

I'm desperate for hope that I'm not stuck here forever. I'm afraid if I move -- even if I live in a tent for now -- she will give up on everything. She has two grown kids, but she was closest to the one who passed. I feel guilty for wanting and needing to leave. At the same time, I'm miserable. She's in therapy and on medicine. Please advise. -- WITHOUT HOPE IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR WITHOUT HOPE: Start saving whatever money you can and explore options for other living arrangements, including renting a single room. Staying where you are under these circumstances will make you sick if you don't take control of your life. Your former girlfriend is under the care of a doctor. You are NOT her lifeline. She will survive.

DEAR ABBY: I am friendly with a woman who is wonderful and caring. She calls to ask how I'm doing, drops off coffee to say hi, etc. She has a great heart and soul. Our boys are close in age. That's the problem -- I do not like her children.

Her kids are difficult and they run roughshod over her. She knows discipline is a problem, but she's at a loss. My children don't enjoy playing with them, either. Her kids are careless and don't listen to authority. I want to continue our friendship, but I like her better without the children in tow. Should I speak up or fade away? -- CONDITIONAL FRIEND

DEAR FRIEND: Your friend's children can't be blamed for things they were never taught. Tell your friend that when her kids visit your home, you will be establishing some "house rules." If you do, you may be doing that entire family a favor. If her kids cannot comply, inform her that your children no longer want to play with hers and why. She needs that information before her kids become social outcasts. If your friendship with her fades after that, and I sincerely hope it won't, then que sera, sera.

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO MY ASIAN READERS WHO CELEBRATE THE LUNAR NEW YEAR: The Year of the Rabbit begins today. In Chinese culture, the rabbit is known to be the luckiest of all 12 animals in the zodiac. People born in the Year of the Rabbit are calm and peaceful. They avoid fighting and arguing, are artistic and have good taste. However, they may be insecure and sensitive and dislike criticism, which causes them to be averse to change. I wish a happy, healthy new year to all who are celebrating this holiday. -- LOVE, ABBY