DEAR ABBY: I'm having a big problem with my boyfriend. We had a baby five months ago, and since then he has changed drastically. He previously had a problem with addiction, but had a handle on it. He told me the baby was powerful motivation. My pregnancy was blissful, and he was attentive and caring.

I know babies are stressful, and ours had colic, so we had many nights filled with screaming. I do most of the work with the baby. I quit my job to be a stay-at-home mom and nurse him. The only time my boyfriend takes care of the baby is for me to take a shower. He has been drinking every night and now he's doing marijuana as well. He is pretty funny when he's high, but I don't trust him to take care of our son when he's that way. He is also addicted to his phone.

When I try to tell him how I feel, he gets defensive. He accuses me of "trying to start problems." He also lies about his addictions. I only recently found out about some of his lies, and now I'm having a hard time believing anything he says. This is not how I wanted my life to be. This is not what I wanted for our baby. I'm trying to decide whether it's better to put up with it or leave. I'd have to get a job and find child care. The thought of my son in daycare makes me sick, but so does being treated this way. Please advise me. -- TROUBLED NEW MOM

DEAR MOM: Face it. Your boyfriend has backslid, and you can no longer trust him to be truthful with you. Your problems will never be resolved if they can't be discussed without contention. Start looking for reliable daycare for the baby and for a job. If you do, you will have a head start on the inevitable. If you and this man separate, he will be legally responsible for contributing to his son's support. It may also be the "jolt" he needs to get straight again.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a queer woman who has a crush on a girl. "Gwen" is kind, outgoing and very intelligent. The poetry she writes is brilliant and sometimes soul-crushing. We are close friends and bonded over our writing. My wife and I have talked openly about my feelings for this girl, and my wife understands why I like her.

The problem is, Gwen is heterosexual. She has said, partly in jest, that it's "oppressive" that she's straight. Without going into too much detail, she has had a bad time with past relationships and is presently single.

I am bound and determined to nip this crush in the bud. I feel telling Gwen about it would be unethical. I know for certain that she's straight, but my brain refuses to shake this "feeling." I'm terrified that it will ruin our friendship. What do I do? -- CRUSHING IN INDIANA

DEAR CRUSHING: Do the same thing that other mature married people do. Step back from something that could threaten not only your relationship with Gwen but also your marriage. Whether Gwen finds her heterosexuality to be "oppressive" (said in jest) or is bi-curious should not affect your creative relationship with her. If you feel you cannot control your emotions, take a step back and see her less often, if at all.

DEAR ABBY: Thirty years ago, I had an affair with "Roger," a married man. We worked together and fell in love. At the time, Roger was married with three children. My husband and I were separated, and I had one son. The 15-year age gap between us didn't matter to me. I admired him. Roger was soft-spoken, intelligent and a gentleman. He was of Christian faith, so when he decided to divorce his wife, his partners held an intervention and bought out his equity in the company, which forced him to move out of state.

Roger was a great person and struggled with the thought of leaving his family. I understood, and we parted ways. I kept informed about him as much as possible over the years but never contacted him, and we lived in different states. When he left, I was pregnant, but I didn't tell him because so much was going on and I didn't want the baby to be a tool. I had a son, reconciled with my husband and never told a soul. Eight years after that, my husband and I divorced.

Although I tried, I never found the courage to reach out to Roger. Five years ago, I visited the state where he lived. I even went to his office, but did not reach out. I recently had several dreams about him and couldn't stop thinking of him. They seemed so real.

I looked Roger up online and found out he died a year ago. I am devastated and feel guilty for not giving my son the opportunity to know his father. Roger has other children. At this point, should I let them know or should I just leave everything alone? My biggest fear is causing pain to his wife. She is a good person and doesn't deserve this. -- HOLDING MANY SECRETS

DEAR HOLDING: What is to be gained by making an announcement at this late date? As you stated, it won't provide your son the opportunity to know his father. And receiving shocking news at this point will only cause Roger's widow pain. However, I would do another internet search to see if you can find out what killed Roger. If it's something that could be passed down to your son, warn him. Otherwise, I'm voting for leaving everything alone.

DEAR ABBY: Over the past two years, a friend I have felt very close to over the years has gone downhill. "Nancy" thinks her neighbors have placed listening devices in her apartment, have entered her place illegally and taken things, and are in general malevolent. I have my own troubles and burdens in my life, and this change in her leaves me feeling frightened, powerless and overwhelmed.

I have stepped back, but a mutual friend tells me Nancy feels abandoned and betrayed by me. I'm afraid if I reach out, I'll be sorry. But on the other hand, I never have said goodbye. Nancy has a therapist now, and I lift her up in prayer a lot. What do you suggest I do, if anything? -- FAILED FRIEND IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR FRIEND: Your prayers have been answered. Nancy is now in the care of a therapist and may improve. If the only reason you would be contacting her is to say goodbye, I think it would be cruel. If you would like to check in from time to time, ask how she's doing and offer some warmth and encouragement, then give her a call.

DEAR ABBY: Years ago, my child was sexually abused by a relative. After I found out, I reported it, which made the abuser's family very upset. Charges were filed, and there were court dates, probation and counseling. To date, everything the judge required of the abuser has been legally fulfilled. While I'm glad everything was completed, I'm still not comfortable having him around my child or any of their younger siblings.

The extended family wants to have large gatherings like were held in the past, and they are so happy we can all be together again. Is it bad that I still don't want my child and other children around the abuser? Is it bad I don't want my child to have to spend every major holiday and celebration with their abuser in the same space?

It bothers me that everyone is celebrating the return of this pedophile and disregarding my child's feelings as if nothing ever happened. Am I wrong to feel this way? What's the best way to handle this? -- SHELL-SHOCKED MOTHER IN COLORADO

DEAR SHELL-SHOCKED: You are not wrong. You are a loving, caring, vigilant and protective mother. The best way to handle this would be to forgo family gatherings at which the abuser will be present. A victim of sexual abuse should not be required to ever be in that person's presence again.

DEAR ABBY: This may seem strange to complain about because most people would love to get flowers. My boyfriend of three years sends a dozen red roses every couple of months to my workplace. It's not related to a birthday or anniversary. It's "just because."

It would be fine if they were sent to our home, but sending them to my workplace makes it seem like he wants to send a message. It feels controlling somehow. I feel like a spectacle and uncomfortable. I don't want to say anything to him and hurt his feelings when he's trying to be nice, but I just want it to stop.

He thinks my late husband gave me flowers all the time because when we moved, I had 30 vases or more. But most of them were from bouquets I received after his death. Plus, when my late husband gave me flowers, it was usually after he did something hurtful. So yes, I do have a negative connotation about flowers. But still, saying something to him about stopping makes me as queasy as actually getting the flowers. Please help. -- OVER-BLOSSOMED IN THE WEST

DEAR OVER-BLOSSOMED: Open your mouth! Your boyfriend is not a mind reader. Tell him everything you have written to me. He needs to know why you feel the way you do about receiving flowers, and also that sending them to your workplace is distracting and feels intrusive. If he feels he "must" give you a public demonstration of his adoration, he should make it a nice box of candy that everyone can enjoy.

DEAR READERS: In the words of Rev. Martin Luther King Jr., who in 1968 was martyred in the cause of civil rights, and whose birthday we remember today: "We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope."