DEAR ABBY: Thirty years ago, I had an affair with "Roger," a married man. We worked together and fell in love. At the time, Roger was married with three children. My husband and I were separated, and I had one son. The 15-year age gap between us didn't matter to me. I admired him. Roger was soft-spoken, intelligent and a gentleman. He was of Christian faith, so when he decided to divorce his wife, his partners held an intervention and bought out his equity in the company, which forced him to move out of state.

Roger was a great person and struggled with the thought of leaving his family. I understood, and we parted ways. I kept informed about him as much as possible over the years but never contacted him, and we lived in different states. When he left, I was pregnant, but I didn't tell him because so much was going on and I didn't want the baby to be a tool. I had a son, reconciled with my husband and never told a soul. Eight years after that, my husband and I divorced.

Although I tried, I never found the courage to reach out to Roger. Five years ago, I visited the state where he lived. I even went to his office, but did not reach out. I recently had several dreams about him and couldn't stop thinking of him. They seemed so real.

I looked Roger up online and found out he died a year ago. I am devastated and feel guilty for not giving my son the opportunity to know his father. Roger has other children. At this point, should I let them know or should I just leave everything alone? My biggest fear is causing pain to his wife. She is a good person and doesn't deserve this. -- HOLDING MANY SECRETS

DEAR HOLDING: What is to be gained by making an announcement at this late date? As you stated, it won't provide your son the opportunity to know his father. And receiving shocking news at this point will only cause Roger's widow pain. However, I would do another internet search to see if you can find out what killed Roger. If it's something that could be passed down to your son, warn him. Otherwise, I'm voting for leaving everything alone.

DEAR ABBY: Over the past two years, a friend I have felt very close to over the years has gone downhill. "Nancy" thinks her neighbors have placed listening devices in her apartment, have entered her place illegally and taken things, and are in general malevolent. I have my own troubles and burdens in my life, and this change in her leaves me feeling frightened, powerless and overwhelmed.

I have stepped back, but a mutual friend tells me Nancy feels abandoned and betrayed by me. I'm afraid if I reach out, I'll be sorry. But on the other hand, I never have said goodbye. Nancy has a therapist now, and I lift her up in prayer a lot. What do you suggest I do, if anything? -- FAILED FRIEND IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR FRIEND: Your prayers have been answered. Nancy is now in the care of a therapist and may improve. If the only reason you would be contacting her is to say goodbye, I think it would be cruel. If you would like to check in from time to time, ask how she's doing and offer some warmth and encouragement, then give her a call.

DEAR ABBY: Years ago, my child was sexually abused by a relative. After I found out, I reported it, which made the abuser's family very upset. Charges were filed, and there were court dates, probation and counseling. To date, everything the judge required of the abuser has been legally fulfilled. While I'm glad everything was completed, I'm still not comfortable having him around my child or any of their younger siblings.

The extended family wants to have large gatherings like were held in the past, and they are so happy we can all be together again. Is it bad that I still don't want my child and other children around the abuser? Is it bad I don't want my child to have to spend every major holiday and celebration with their abuser in the same space?

It bothers me that everyone is celebrating the return of this pedophile and disregarding my child's feelings as if nothing ever happened. Am I wrong to feel this way? What's the best way to handle this? -- SHELL-SHOCKED MOTHER IN COLORADO

DEAR SHELL-SHOCKED: You are not wrong. You are a loving, caring, vigilant and protective mother. The best way to handle this would be to forgo family gatherings at which the abuser will be present. A victim of sexual abuse should not be required to ever be in that person's presence again.

DEAR ABBY: This may seem strange to complain about because most people would love to get flowers. My boyfriend of three years sends a dozen red roses every couple of months to my workplace. It's not related to a birthday or anniversary. It's "just because."

It would be fine if they were sent to our home, but sending them to my workplace makes it seem like he wants to send a message. It feels controlling somehow. I feel like a spectacle and uncomfortable. I don't want to say anything to him and hurt his feelings when he's trying to be nice, but I just want it to stop.

He thinks my late husband gave me flowers all the time because when we moved, I had 30 vases or more. But most of them were from bouquets I received after his death. Plus, when my late husband gave me flowers, it was usually after he did something hurtful. So yes, I do have a negative connotation about flowers. But still, saying something to him about stopping makes me as queasy as actually getting the flowers. Please help. -- OVER-BLOSSOMED IN THE WEST

DEAR OVER-BLOSSOMED: Open your mouth! Your boyfriend is not a mind reader. Tell him everything you have written to me. He needs to know why you feel the way you do about receiving flowers, and also that sending them to your workplace is distracting and feels intrusive. If he feels he "must" give you a public demonstration of his adoration, he should make it a nice box of candy that everyone can enjoy.

DEAR READERS: In the words of Rev. Martin Luther King Jr., who in 1968 was martyred in the cause of civil rights, and whose birthday we remember today: "We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope."

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married 45 years. We are both retired and have hobbies to keep us busy. My problem is, he has so many friends that he doesn't have time for any of the things I would like us to do together. I seem to be the last person he wants to do anything with. I don't mind some alone time, but after a while, I feel lonely and left behind. If a vacation is planned, it's always planned around his schedule. -- LONELY IN MINNESOTA

DEAR LONELY: Could you possibly develop an interest in any of the hobbies your husband enjoys? That way you could be alone less of the time. If that's not possible, tell him you are unhappy and the current arrangement makes you feel lonely and isolated. Too much time alone isn't healthy. If he's willing to do some compromising, your problem is solved. However, if he is inflexible, you will have to find more activities to fill your time that involve other people.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have two close friends. They were a married couple but are now in the middle of a nasty divorce. Last winter, while they were still together, they came over and brought along an outdoor heater for us to borrow. It broke while it was in our care, so we bought them a new one. They knew it was in our garage, but they never came to pick it up. (Back story: He cheated and is keeping their house. She kept a lot of the indoor/outdoor items, some over his objection.)

My husband called him last weekend to remind him, again, to pick it up. Coincidentally, today she asked me for it and wants to come and get it ASAP and beat him to it. In all fairness, I don't know who it should go to. I hate being in the middle, and I hate confrontations. My husband feels it should go to the husband because he called and reminded him. What should we do? -- CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE

DEAR CAUGHT: Give these former spouses a deadline after which you want that heater off your property. Whichever one gets there first can have it. Do not involve yourselves further.

DEAR ABBY: There is a man I may be attracted to and have a lot in common with. The problem is that his teeth are crooked and yellow, and I can't get past that. He's quite a bit older than I am, so I'm not sure that we would get together even if he got his teeth fixed. But I won't know unless something is done. I'm not someone who likes confrontation, so I'm having a hard time saying something. How do I deal with this problem? -- FROWNING OVER HIS SMILE

DEAR FROWNING: It would be appropriate to wait until you are SURE you are attracted to this person. Then, if you decide you are, talk to him at a time when you are both relaxed. Smile and say something like this: "You know, 'John,' you are such an attractive person. Perhaps you should consider talking to your dentist about having a little work done. If you did, you'd be an absolute Adonis." His response should reveal if there is a path forward together, or give him something to chew on.