DEAR ABBY: I became engaged to a wonderful man five months ago. We have set a wedding date for next year. I'm ecstatic -- thrilled to be planning such an important milestone in my life. I'm the youngest of five girls. Four of us are extremely close. Three of my sisters have graciously offered to help with the wedding planning and preparation. I have included them in my bridal party -- matron of honor, two bridesmaids, and two of my teenage nieces as junior bridesmaids.

There's one big issue: My parents and two of my sisters insist that I include my oldest sister, "Iris," in my bridal party even though she has a mental illness (schizophrenia). She is medicated, but still speaks to her "voices." I love her, but I don't find it appropriate to include her in my wedding.

My matron of honor is supportive and agrees it would be unwise. However, my remaining family is guilt-tripping me because Iris missed out on two of my sisters' weddings due to being in a psychiatric facility. She lives with my retired parents now and requires care and supervision. Am I wrong for not wanting to risk including her on my big day? -- FUTURE BRIDE IN KENTUCKY

DEAR FUTURE BRIDE: Weddings are family events that can sometimes strain relationships. As with all conflict, communication and compromise are key. Discuss your concerns with your parents, sisters and fiance and consider their opinions and advice. Get assurances of their help to ease your concerns and raise your comfort level.

More important, respectfully discuss your feelings and concerns with Iris. Instead of being in the bridal party, she might be happy with a less prominent role while still being part of the celebration. You may not realize how hurt she would be if she's excluded from this family milestone.

Thankfully, you are healthy and stepping into a bright future. It would be wonderful if Iris could share in this joyful occasion. However, include her only if your parents and siblings are willing to guarantee that should her presence become a distraction or disruptive, they will quietly and immediately remove her.

DEAR ABBY: While having dinner with a group of friends, the subject came up about giving Christmas gifts to grandchildren, nieces, nephews and godchildren after a certain age. Some said they stop giving at 18 years of age; others said they stop doing it when the recipients start their own families. A few of us still give to "kids" well into their 40s. Is there a certain age to stop, or is it up to the individual? -- GENEROUS IN ILLINOIS

DEAR GENEROUS: There is no one-size-fits-all answer to this question. It depends on the individual, how many relatives there are and whether the gift-giving is creating a financial squeeze.

DEAR ABBY: Although my husband and I are no longer in a romantic relationship, we are what I call "life partners." After cancer left him impotent, he rejected any physical affection at all. I had an extramarital affair which lasted four years. My boyfriend passed away last year. I have no desire to be physically involved with my husband, but I do miss being affectionate and in a romantic (not necessarily sexual) relationship.

I feel empty, and I'm not sure if we should be considering divorce or continue in our day-to-day routine of being socially close but otherwise distant. We no longer share the same bedroom and we touch each other rarely. He has recently become more verbally and emotionally abusive during arguments, which may be the result of his recently reconnecting with his felon brother who had assaulted his wife. I'm not sure what direction to go. -- HOPELESS IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR HOPELESS: The relationship you have described with your husband is not a "marriage" in the traditional sense. Ask your husband, in as nonconfrontational a way as possible, if he would like to remain married to you or be divorced. Explain clearly to him what your needs are and ask if he is willing or able to fulfill them. I cannot imagine why you would want to stay in a relationship that is becoming increasingly abusive. Consult a divorce lawyer and take your guidance from them about how to protect your interests before speaking to your husband, to ensure he doesn't try to hide his (and your) assets.

DEAR ABBY: I took a job and relocated to another state. My wife chose to stay behind so our kids could finish school in the hometown they grew up in. For the last 20 months, we have gone back and forth from the state I work in to our hometown. I suspect she's unhappy with the idea of relocating, even though it's a place worth investing in and offers a quality of life to our family that doesn't exist in many other places.

Much of my time is spent appeasing her, especially when there is conflict between our teenage kids at home. We have been actively looking at schools in my new city, but there is never any resolution to our relocation issue. Advice? -- LONG-DISTANCE HUSBAND/DAD

DEAR LONG-DISTANCE: I wish you had mentioned whether your wife works outside the home. Does she have a career she doesn't want to leave? If the answer is no, continue looking for schools in the new community. Then contact a real estate agent to help you find a suitable place for your family to live. Once you have narrowed it down to a few, invite your wife to look at them with you and choose what she thinks would be most suitable.

At that point, if she doesn't want to make the move, she should say so, which will free you to decide whether to sacrifice what you envision for your family's future, continue having a long-distance marriage or return to the town you left so you can all be together.

DEAR ABBY: Fifteen years ago, I "ran away from home" to get away from my adult children, and I finally made a life for myself. They were able to stay in the house because I continued to pay the mortgage. Their dad -- my ex -- and his family all lived nearby.

Now, none of my children wants anything to do with me or my family, and they don't want any communication from me. I suspect they feel abandoned, since I was the parent they could always count on. Is there anything I can do to repair our relationship? -- RUNAWAY MOM IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR MOM: Yes, tell your children you are selling the house, which, I assume, you now own outright. I'm quite sure they'll begin "communicating" with you as soon as word reaches them. You were more than generous by keeping up those house payments so they would have a roof over their heads. If you had to "run away" from their bottomless pit of need, you did the right thing. Please don't allow yourself to be used any further. You saved yourself, and you shouldn't feel sad or guilty for having done it.

DEAR ABBY: I recently started talking to this guy from my past. I really like him. We've been off and on for a year now because we both had things in our lives that needed attention first (i.e., my bipolar depression and seeking counseling).

Anyway, my best friend has threatened to remove me from her life if I pursue a relationship with him. On one hand, this guy makes me feel like I'm on fire -- in a good way, of course. But, on the other hand, I don't want to lose my best friend. What do I do? -- HARD CHOICE IN ILLINOIS

DEAR HARD CHOICE: You omitted something important from your letter. WHY does your best friend object to this guy so strongly? Is she jealous? Could it have something to do with his issues? The last time you were with him, did it end badly? HOW badly? Your best friend may be attempting to save you, but she's going about it clumsily. Talk to her.

DEAR ABBY: Recently, a friend came to my home. I offered coffee and cake, which I had already sliced and placed on plates. She responded that she wasn't hungry right then and would take it home for later, and asked me for wrapping or a container to put it in. Of course, I complied, but I have never heard of such a thing, although diners often take home uneaten food from a restaurant. Am I out of step here, or have I got a right to be as shocked as I was? -- SURPRISED HOSTESS

DEAR SURPRISED: If you were "shocked" by what she did, you must be sensitive indeed. Your friend was honest with you. Give her credit for it. She may love the cake you offered, but is watching her weight and thought she'd pop it in the freezer to enjoy another time. I know of no rule of etiquette that dictates a person must eat a pastry in the presence of the hostess.