DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been together for 12 years and our relationship has started to suffer. We no longer have dates, we don't spend any time talking with each other unless it's about the kids, and the intimacy has faded.
A year ago, I asked him to go to a counselor with me. I asked him to be the one to set it up, as I'm always in charge of doctor appointments, bill paying, etc. I wanted him to show he was "all in" to help fix our marriage. I have reminded him to do it several times, but he hasn't.
He claims to love me and to want our marriage to thrive, yet he does nothing. Now that the intimacy is completely gone, he all of a sudden wants to work on things. Go figure. I feel hurt and rejected and like throwing in the towel, but we have built a life together and I do love him. I don't think therapy will work because I'll feel like I manipulated him to get there by withholding the intimacy.
I feel sad and defeated. The man I married is gone, replaced by this person who is just going through the motions and using me to take care of his kids and clean his house. Please advise. -- ON HOLD IN ARKANSAS
DEAR ON HOLD: Ask your doctor for a referral to a psychologist and make an appointment -- for yourself -- for help rebuilding your sagging self-esteem. Because you long ago assumed the role of organizer-arranger in your marriage, it was unrealistic to expect your husband to suddenly pick up the ball. He may not know how. Once you are stronger emotionally, schedule those sessions with a licensed marriage and family therapist, as you have all the other appointments during your marriage. Your relationship with your husband does need work, and this is the path to repairing it.