DEAR ABBY: My lovely and successful 30-year-old daughter has recently become engaged to a 31-year-old man I'll call "Jonas." They have been dating for several years. He comes from a good family and is successful in his career. She adores him and is extremely happy.

The problem is, Jonas has a habit of making off-the-cuff comments about her to my husband and me behind her back, suggesting, for example, that he felt a bit pressured about the timetable for proposing.

More recently, I thanked him for offering my daughter and me the use of his beloved vehicle to go wedding dress shopping. Instead of saying, "You're welcome," he muttered, "She's going to wreck the car one day. The sooner she does it, the sooner I get a new one." (Abby, my daughter has an excellent driving record, so this was just weird.) He says it like it's a dry joke which he likely sees this way, but I find his comments hurtful.

I haven't said anything to my daughter about this, and don't want to "run him down" to family or friends by asking for suggestions in handling this. Should I let it go, or should I tell Jonas privately how his comments hurt us? I don't want to make more of this than it is, but it makes my heart ache a bit. -- CONCERNED MAMA IN ILLINOIS

DEAR MAMA: Jonas' "joke" that he felt pressured to become engaged to your daughter wasn't funny, and I can understand why you might be concerned. While I don't think you should solicit advice about this from friends and family, I do think you should discuss this with your daughter because it could be a red flag. Ditto with any other possibly pejorative comments he makes to you about her. There is often a grain of truth within comments that are made in jest. They could be a tipoff about what her fiance is really feeling.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 40 years old. I have had issues with my deadbeat father my entire life. After Mom passed away, I tried to create a relationship with him because he was the only parent I had left. He then informed me that he stayed when my sister was born but left when I was, because I was never wanted.

I have suffered from depression for a long time and had been doing well for three years up to that point. Now, my hatred for him has consumed me so much, I find it hard to love myself. I look so much like him that when I look in the mirror, I can't stand the reflection looking back at me.

How can I love myself again or feel like I'm worthy enough to be loved? How do I look at myself and not see the monster that's my bio dad? Please help. -- FILLED WITH HATE IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR FILLED WITH HATE: You have suffered enough. You will regain your self-acceptance, sense of self-worth and rid yourself of your father's baggage with help from a licensed psychotherapist. If your finances are stretched, contact your county's department of mental health for low-cost or no-cost help. Universities and colleges that have a department of psychology can also provide counseling on a sliding scale. It's the surest way to repair the damage your father has inflicted. Please don't wait to reach out.

DEAR ABBY: I have been interested in a woman for several years. During that time, I have dated her and helped her with her house. Today she called and asked me to walk her dog. I had to decline because I couldn't fit it in. She sent me two emails, back-to-back:

"Thanks, Fred, but one thing I'm sure of -- anyone who isn't a friend of my dog is no friend of mine. Where's your Christian service now? I don't want you to check on my dog or me ever! You are a selfish guy who couldn't take a five-minute drive on a 60-degree day, and I hope I won't hear from you ever again. I wish you all the best. Enjoy sitting around taking care of you, yourself. Bye."

And, "A true friend would check on my dog and lock all the doors after, so don't go near my house or apartment. You are not a guy I want around. You think you're better than you are."

What do I do and how do I take this? -- CONFUSED IN COLORADO

DEAR CONFUSED: Because this is how your self-centered lady friend reacted when you told her you couldn't come when she whistled, it's a shame -- for your sake -- that she didn't say it years ago. What you should do now is take her emails to heart. Follow her instructions to the letter and don't let her hear from you again. She's bad news, and you can do better. Much better.

DEAR ABBY: My wife passed more than a year ago, and I am seeing a lady whose husband died five years ago. "Helen" had been going out with her boyfriend, "Harry," for two years, but he recently developed cancer and passed away.

We have grown close, but I have a problem. When we are in a romantic situation, Helen will call me "Harry." When it happens, it's upsetting, and I get defensive. I have a really hard time dealing with being called her last boyfriend's name. Sometimes I think I should walk away. What should I do? -- MISIDENTIFIED IN FLORIDA

DEAR MISIDENTIFIED: If you care about Helen, recognize that she spent two years with dear, departed Harry, and stop taking it personally if she slips and calls you by his name once in a while. It's normal, and with time, it will stop happening.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 65-year-old male, and I recently went out of town on business with a 28-year-old male coworker. During the entire dinner, he continued looking up stuff and responding to texts on his cellphone. He spoke to me only a few times. When I tried to engage him in conversation, he would answer and then return to his phone.

I found his behavior rude and insulting. I understand the importance of phones. If he had received an important call or one from his wife during dinner and spoke for a short time, that would be fine. But when people stay glued to their phones throughout the dinner and the evening, I think it's rude. What's the protocol for these types of situations? -- HANG UP IN ALABAMA

DEAR HANG UP: The proper protocol is to put the cellphone away or at least face down on the table during dinner. By failing to do that, your coworker sent you the unmistakable message that he wasn't interested in anything you might have wanted to discuss with him. Unless he was far behind in answering his work emails, I agree that his behavior was just plain rude.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend has been hanging out with a group of "friends" since college. He is now 41. The women in this group are unfriendly toward me. They don't say hello or goodbye or even acknowledge my existence when I am around them. I have talked to my boyfriend about this time and again, and he defends their behavior. He says I "lack empathy."

We have been dating for a year and a half, and I realize the other "friends" he surrounds himself with are as bad or worse. (They are heavy drinkers, drug dealers and drug users, and have low morals, poor values, etc.) When I give him examples of how these people treat him poorly and treat me rudely, he brushes it off, saying their behavior and comments don't bother him. What gives? -- LOOKING FOR INSIGHT

DEAR LOOKING: What "gives" is this: Your boyfriend is comfortable with these people because he is like them. If he had higher self-esteem and was more highly motivated, he wouldn't be hanging out with those losers. He'd form friendships with people who live healthy lifestyles, have gainful employment, high morals and better values. That you would spend a year and a half surrounded by a group like this tells me you must be desperate for company.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a newlywed, and my husband and I have just hit a big roadblock. I hate the town we live in. I always have. The only reason I'm here is because of him, but I have always been very clear about wanting to move.

I lost my job, and the market around here is terrible, which has pushed the idea of us moving to the forefront. I don't expect us to go anywhere now, but it is becoming crystal clear that this place isn't going to get me far. My husband is a teacher, but between terms he has the option to leave. When we married, it was with the understanding that we would eventually leave, or so I thought. Now he's talking about how if I want to move, I'll be going without him because he's happy here, and he's happy to stay forever.

I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me, and I don't know what to do. I love my husband, but I love myself, too. I will never be happy here. I've tolerated it for five years, and I'm miserable. How am I supposed to compromise on an absolute? We can't both move and not move. -- YEARNING TO FLEE

DEAR YEARNING: Your husband should have been honest with you from the beginning about his feelings and ties to the community. Because you know you can't be happy there -- and he has indicated that he plans to stay -- I think you should do whatever makes you happy and thank your lucky stars there are no children involved to complicate matters.

DEAR ABBY: I am 24 and being married soon. My fiance thinks I'm a virgin, but in reality, I am far from it. We have been saving sex for marriage -- at least that's what he thinks. I don't know if I should keep this to myself or tell him. Please give me your expert advice. -- BRIDE-TO-BE

DEAR BRIDE-TO-BE: Solid marriages are built on trust. What do you think the fallout will be if this man finds out he has been lied to all this time? He will never again believe what you tell him, and who could blame him? The time to level is now, before the wedding -- and if it's a deal-breaker, que sera, sera.