DEAR ABBY: I was married for almost 20 years to a jealous, controlling man. "Pete" was emotionally abusive, which I didn't really notice because I'm not confrontational. I would just try to make him happy and ignore his controlling behavior. Toward the end of our marriage, I realized how isolated I had become. I had pushed most of my friends and family away. They didn't want to visit because of Pete's negative attitude.

Our daughter developed an illness in her teens that requires 24-hour care. Her illness didn't necessarily upset him; what did upset him is the attention she would require in the future. He would say things like, "She's ruining our retirement. I was looking forward to having you to myself and not having to deal with anyone." This was when I realized how controlling he was. It felt like I had been wearing a blindfold and then I could finally see. I immediately filed for divorce.

A year afterward, I started seeing an old friend I'll call "Darren," someone my husband had often accused me of cheating with. (He did that with any man I knew.) I really like Darren and can see a future with him. He treats my daughter great and doesn't mind that when we go out she has to tag along.

Pete is now saying that if I date Darren, it's proof that I cheated on him. I don't want my ex to think for a minute that our marriage ended because I cheated, because it's not true. So I broke up with Darren because I refuse to accept him being labeled as the person who broke up my marriage. What would you do? -- KEEPING THE STORY STRAIGHT

DEAR KEEPING: What would I do? I would, once and for all, quit allowing my ex to control me! I'd call Darren and talk with him about why I ended the relationship and ask if he would consider resuming where the two of us left off. If he is willing, I would move forward. However, if he isn't, I'd find a licensed psychotherapist who could give me the tools to avoid my ex's manipulations in the future.

DEAR ABBY: My partner and I have a wonderful relationship, but there is one area of contention we don't know how to solve. I like a firm mattress. She likes a soft mattress. We bought an adjustable bed, so each of us could fine-tune the settings to our desired comfort level.

It has been a month now, and I hate the new mattress. I just cannot get comfortable. It's so bad I find myself sleeping in another room just to catch a good night's rest. As you can imagine, sleeping apart causes anxiety between us, and it has been confusing and stressful for our animals. How do you propose we solve this in a way that restores peace in our relationship? -- YAWNING IN ARIZONA

DEAR YAWNING: Pay a visit to the store from which you purchased that adjustable bed and find out if you need a lesson or two on how to operate the mattress correctly. (You won't be the first, trust me on that.) If your discomfort persists, sell the bed and replace it with two twin- or queen-sized mattresses so you and your partner can at least share the same room.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Kirk," and I have been dating exclusively for nearly two years and live together. We met during the pandemic, so for the first year or so, we mostly hung out -- just the two of us. Since the world has opened back up, I've been encountering some problems now that we're able to socialize with others.

Kirk often becomes silent and moody when we are around my friends. He'll often leave early and abruptly without saying a proper goodbye. I find it incredibly rude. We've talked about it a number of times, but it continues. Kirk never acts this way around his own friends or family.

He also sometimes becomes terse, irritable and depressed when it's just the two of us, typically before or during an outing. Because of this, a number of promising date nights have ended badly.

As his behavior continues, it makes me more and more angry. Kirk says this is just the way he is and he can't be happy all the time. Is a relationship worth trying to save if you can't consistently have fun with each other outside the house? -- MYSTIFIED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR MYSTIFIED: A relationship doesn't have to be a laugh a minute to be successful. However, Kirk appears to be an introvert or possibly suffering from a social anxiety disorder, which would explain his behavior around your friends. If that's the case, consider minimizing the amount of time and number of people he's exposed to. What I find troubling is your statement that he sometimes becomes so terse and irritable, your dates are canceled at the last minute. This indicates (to me) that the romance may be cooling. The way to find out if it's true would be simply to ask him.

DEAR ABBY: My mother's side of the family are greedy, self-involved, narcissistic, self-important alcoholics. My mother "escaped" five years ago when she drank herself to death. My aunt was kind of a second mother to me because Mom wasn't around much when I was growing up.

Since Mom passed, my aunt has been acting like she's all alone and our family wants her around only for whatever she can do for them. I have never asked her for anything; I just enjoy her company. She is now facing a possible cancer diagnosis and saying that since she had no children and she's done everything on her own, she'll do this alone as well.

How can I get her to realize that while I'm not her child, I'm here for her for whatever she needs? I still haven't gotten over my mom dying, and I know I couldn't handle it if she were to pass, too. Then I really would have no family left. Any advice you could give me would be greatly appreciated. -- DYSFUNCTIONAL IN KANSAS

DEAR DYSFUNCTIONAL: Pay your aunt a visit. Find out if that "possible" cancer diagnosis is definite. If it isn't, thank your higher power. If it is, tell her you love her and are grateful for the love and support she has shown you when you needed it and that she's not as alone as she thinks she is. Make clear that you will support her during this period in any way she needs if she will let you. That is all you can do without being intrusive.

DEAR ABBY: I've been in a "friend with benefits" relationship for more than a year now. I'm 57 and he's 79. I was raised a Christian and wanted to save myself for marriage. This is the first time I have loved someone and been the FWB. I'm jealous of his last girlfriend and what they had together. She wanted to get married, and he didn't.

A woman at my church says I ought to just remain friends with him and pray God will send me a man who will love and marry me. This is a retirement town. There aren't many available men my age. I feel guilty because I went against my Christian faith. I'd appreciate your advice. -- IN LIMBO IN ARIZONA

DEAR IN LIMBO: Why are you wasting your time being jealous of his ex-girlfriend? They are history. The odds of you changing this man's mind on the subject of marriage are not good, but you knew that from the beginning. The guilt you're carrying may be the price you pay for whatever pleasure this relationship brings you.

Since pickings are so slim in your community, please note that I'm not telling you to end it. However, if the situation becomes increasingly painful, that's what you should do. Because you are deeply religious, this may be a subject to discuss with your religious adviser.

DEAR ABBY: Five years ago, our son was arrested for child porn. At the time, he was responsible for running our family business. When he was sent to prison for two years, we realized he had been running it into the ground, plus stealing as much as he could. We have not spoken since. Our grandson is now being married, and he wants us to attend. We haven't spoken to our grandson or his father since all this happened. Must we attend this wedding? -- BAD BLOOD IN FLORIDA

DEAR BAD BLOOD: It would be unfair to shun your grandson for the sins of his father. Must you attend the wedding? No. Should you go? I think so. When you do, be cordial to your son. You do not have to see him often or at all after that, but keep in mind there may be other family celebrations in the future.

DEAR ABBY: I have a best friend of 15 years. (We even got matching tattoos.) However, I feel like I'm always put on the back burner. I'm easygoing, so maybe she feels she doesn't need to be a good friend in return? I understand we all have busy lives, but there are 24 hours in a day and seven days in a week. It doesn't take but a minute to send a text to ask how I'm doing. Am I being unrealistic for wanting a friendship that goes both ways? -- LOST IN A FRIENDSHIP

DEAR LOST: It is only unrealistic if you have spoken to your longtime friend about how you feel (15 years late) and she's unwilling to expend a little more effort in your direction. I recommend you have that long-overdue conversation with her and let her know what your needs are.