DEAR ABBY: I've been the stepfather of two girls for 18 years. They are 22 and 24 now. My wife and her ex-husband adopted them at birth. When they were 2 and 4, he had an affair and left them for a woman who had two children.

Why do these two girls look at him as their dad when I have been the one who has always been here for them? They have never shown me much respect, yet the man who adopted them and then left them and their mother for another family they regard as their dad and respect him. -- HURT AND FRUSTRATED

DEAR HURT: You have my sympathy. This may have happened because their mother never explained to them that the person who left them failed to fulfill the father role he had promised, and the man who raised them -- you -- is their dad. She also failed to insist they treat you with the respect you deserved. If there is blame to be laid, I blame her for this, not them.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing regarding my husband's obituary. He died suddenly a year ago. Because of shock, anxiety and pressure to get his obit into the newspaper before the weekend, I rushed it. I had never written an obituary before. My dear sister-in-law helped me, and we finally finished it at 4 a.m. Since then, I have been unhappy and uncomfortable with it. It wasn't thorough or personal or loving. It was "just the facts," and I have always wanted to redo it. I also included some things I regret. What are your thoughts on my revamping and re-submitting another version to the area newspaper his obituary appeared in? -- REDO IN THE EAST

DEAR REDO: Please accept my sympathy for your loss. Contact the newspaper and ask that question. I have seen "In Memoriam" items published long after the deceased has been buried. If you feel it would comfort you, it couldn't hurt to ask.

DEAR ABBY: My sister's job requires her to make presentations to professional groups. When she used the word "irregardless" in a conversation with me, I told her the correct word is "regardless." I genuinely did not want her to embarrass herself in a professional setting.

Yesterday, she used the word "irregardless" again when we were talking. Should I correct her again, or let it go? This situation is complicated by the fact that I have asked her to stop constantly correcting me, although her corrections don't usually involve grammar or word usage. -- UNSURE IN FLORIDA

DEAR UNSURE: You told your sister once that the word she used was incorrect. In light of your history with her, if you repeat it, she may think you are trying to one-up her and resent it. (In cases like this, no good deed goes unpunished.)

P.S. Many people make this mistake, so hold a good thought. Perhaps the audience she's making the presentation to won't notice.

DEAR ABBY: When my boyfriend found out I have the money to do it, he asked me to pay off his car. Now, because I said no, he won't answer the phone or talk to me. I have helped him in the past, but he continues to ask me for money. I think he's using me. He tries to make me feel guilty by accusing me of not caring about him because, "If I did, I would pay off his car."

I'm 58 years old, and the money I have is for me to live comfortably, not to spend on him. I told him as much, and he still insists I should help him with his bills. We live separately, and I suspect he's really just interested in the money, but I'm afraid of being lonely. What should I do? -- WELL-OFF IN THE SOUTH

DEAR WELL-OFF: There are worse things than being lonely (for a while). Chief among them is knowing you are being used by someone who cares nothing about you beyond what he can extract from you. What you "should" do is kick him to the curb and not look back. There are better days ahead for you if you do.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are having a hard time navigating a recurring situation in our marriage. My husband is friendly with three brothers. They hang out often and sometimes drink. Their sister sometimes hangs out with them, too.

I'm uncomfortable with my husband getting drunk when she's around. He continues to do it, though, in spite of my concerns. Last night, he was at his friend's house from 11 p.m. until 6 a.m. She was there for part of the drinking and partying. I really have a hard time with this. What should we do? -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN THE WEST

DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: Although coming home at 6 a.m. is awfully late, it may have happened because he was too drunk to drive home earlier. I have trouble believing anything untoward would happen with the sister in the presence of her three brothers. Has your husband done anything to cause your insecurity? If not, you need to work on your jealousy and trust issues. If, however, he has, then you need to work together to get to the root of what is going wrong in your marriage.

DEAR ABBY: My son's fiancee has just informed me that I need to send her my guest list for the wedding, and she will let me know to whom she will send invitations. When I asked if she meant that there was a limited number of guests, she said no, but she didn't want people there who didn't mean anything to her. She's from the East Coast, and my son met her in college in another state, so she doesn't know many of our family members or friends. How do I respond to this? Thank you. -- MOTHER-OF-THE-GROOM

DEAR MOTHER: It appears your son's fiancee has "forgotten" that after marriage there are two sides to the family. Respond by bringing your son into the conversation. He's in the perfect position to explain to his bride-to-be who the people on the guest list are so she'll have some insight about whom to invite. (Include those details on the proposed guest list you send to them.) That information will be important to her during the wedding celebrations and also (fingers crossed) during their long, happy life together.

DEAR ABBY: I survived 17 years of abuse. I'm slowly healing and now in a healthy relationship I enjoy. My ex did what most abusers do in these situations: He isolated me from my family. He would force me to say mean things to my sisters and parents to keep them away and make them hate me.

Now that I'm out of that situation, I want a relationship with them again. Sadly, my sisters say I must apologize for my behavior (again), which I'm not comfortable doing. I did apologize once, but it wasn't good enough for them, since I stated that I was sorry he made me do those things. What should I do? -- GETTING PAST IT IN KANSAS

DEAR GETTING PAST: I'm not sure why your sisters are insisting you apologize again, but if I were you, I would do it to try to smooth things over. At that time I would explain to them about Stockholm syndrome, which sometimes happens when people are kidnapped, held prisoner and eventually begin to identify with their captors. Something similar may have happened between you and your abuser because, in a sense, you were being held hostage.

DEAR ABBY: My precious dog, "Rover," died nearly a year ago. I have grieved deeply, and feel I have handled it in a healthy way. I now have a new dog, "Spot," who has brought new energy to my home. I keep a few pictures of Rover around the house, as well as pictures of Spot.

Part of me feels it's weird to have pictures of a deceased pet on display and that it may not be healthy. Yet, I also feel it's fine, as long as it isn't a shrine to him. Sometimes I stop and look at Rover's pictures and smile; other times, I feel an ache in my stomach and tear up. What is your take on this? -- STILL HEALING IN FLORIDA

DEAR STILL HEALING: My "take" is that although you have moved on to a great degree, you are still grieving. Rover is part of your history. If photos of him bring you pleasure, continue to display them. However, if more often they make you sad, consider putting them away until more time has elapsed since his passing.

DEAR ABBY: I want to give a monetary gift to some close friends of ours before we die. It's in my will, but it occurred to me that they might as well enjoy it now, while they can. The rub is they're very proud and stubborn and won't let us "treat" them to anything.

I have given other people money and made clear, "I won't ask what you do with it nor ever mention it again. I just want you to enjoy it." Do you have advice on whether I should do this? And, if so, how? I don't want to damage our friendship. -- FRIENDLY GIFT

DEAR FRIENDLY: You are very generous. This is a question that should be discussed with your attorney or accountant. Of course, when you send the funds, there should be a letter explaining your intentions. This "transfer of assets" is sometimes done in families. Your legal or financial adviser can explain the details and whether other options exist. Then cross your fingers and hope your fortunate friends will accept the gift. However, if they don't, do not continue to press the issue.