DEAR ABBY: I'm a lesbian. My girlfriend and I have been together for a couple of months now. We fell in love quickly and we're getting ready to move in together. I'm really excited about it, but an "incident" happened recently while we were spending time together.

We were watching TV, and I noticed she was on a website looking at women wearing bikinis. At first I thought, "Are you serious? Right in front of me?" So I looked over and asked her about it. She looked back at me and said, "What?" It made me feel incredibly insecure.

I know she loves me, but she doesn't understand how hurt I was seeing that. It made me feel like I'm not enough. What should I tell her? Should I break up with her? Or am I wrong to feel this way? -- TORN IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR TORN: Your relationship is new. Looking at pictures of people dressed in swimming attire is hardly indicative of a porn addiction or a hint that you are not "enough."

Before you two move in together, you both need to talk this through, and you absolutely need to learn to deal with your feelings of insecurity because, if you don't, they could eventually drive away any of your love interests. Please, get to know each other for a longer period before taking your relationship to the next level by moving in.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 44 and divorced. I have no kids and I live with my parents. I didn't finish college but I do have a job in my field of study. I'm happy in my job, have some friends and am content to not date anyone ever again. However, I feel like I'm a failure.

I'd be embarrassed to go to a school reunion and have to tell my former classmates about my pathetic life. I was always the ambitious one in my circle of friends. I was the one who was going to make something of myself and have an amazing career, a husband and kids. My parents are disabled, and it does help that I live with them. I pay rent/utilities and for my own groceries.

How can I convince myself that I haven't made a complete mess of my life and that my circumstances don't mean my life has been wasted? -- SELF-CONSCIOUS IN ARIZONA

DEAR SELF-CONSCIOUS: While you may not have achieved the lofty goals you set for yourself when you were younger, you are being awfully hard on yourself by calling yourself a "failure." You have a job you love, in the field in which you want to work, and good friends. (In order to have friends, you have to be one.)

I assume the reason you are content to no longer date is past relationships didn't work out. If I'm right, that makes you a member of a very large club. Please try to remain open-minded, because one day you may meet someone you can care about and who will appreciate the value in you. And caring for your disabled parents is a heavy responsibility, and needs to take priority over a social life.

A way to counteract these self-defeating, negative feelings would be to concentrate every day on those things you have accomplished, rather than what you perceive to be your shortcomings, instead of comparing yourself to others.

DEAR ABBY: My grandson passed away three months before his daughter was born. When she was 6 months old, her mom moved in with her new boyfriend. We were allowed visits for a couple of years, but then that stopped, so we had to take the mom to court to get visitation again.

We learned our visits had been stopped because we referred to her boyfriend by his name instead of "Daddy." We are not allowed to tell our grandchild who her father is. At what age should a child be told the truth, and how is all this going to affect my granddaughter? -- TRUTH TELLER IN THE SOUTH

DEAR TRUTH TELLER: Your former daughter-in-law may prefer her little one call her boyfriend "Daddy" because the man is the only father figure your granddaughter has ever known. The time for her to be told all the facts would be when she's old enough to understand the information and her mother chooses to tell her about her biological father. The truth should not negatively affect her.

DEAR ABBY: How do you deal with a relative whose child is autistic when they come for holiday dinners and let their child climb on the furniture like it's a playground and walk around the house eating and touching everything with soiled hands?

These parents constantly post about "treating him like a normal child," but they don't treat him normal with expectations. I'm tired of having to constantly supervise him and feel intimidated about saying things like, "Please don't climb on the furniture, sit at the table when you eat, wash your hands, please," etc. What's your advice? -- TENTATIVE IN FLORIDA

DEAR TENTATIVE: Quit allowing yourself to be "intimidated" and tell these parents you would prefer your socializing to be adults only -- for the reasons you stipulated in your letter. Or, when you would like to spend time with them, arrange for it to be al fresco rather than inside your home. (Thank heavens you live in a state with a mild climate!)

DEAR ABBY: I need your thoughts about a good friend who, at the end of the month of my birthday or the first week of the next one, hits me with a birthday card. Then she says she doesn't know my exact birthdate but at least she remembers the month and, therefore, I should be thankful.

Four years later, I am tempted to tell her if it's not important enough to remember the day, then why bother? Am I wrong for feeling this way, or should I just be thankful she at least remembers the month? -- BIRTHDAY BOY IN TEXAS

DEAR BIRTHDAY BOY: Frankly, you are being a bit picky. Not everyone feels as strongly as you do about personal milestones. That said, however, gratitude can't be ordered like an item on a takeout menu, which your friend appears to be trying to convince you to do. Because those birthday cards, which are supposed to invoke warm feelings, have the opposite effect, express that you would prefer she save her postage money.

DEAR ABBY: I'm one of three sisters. My mother passed away more than 10 years ago. My middle sister has my mom's wedding dress and says Mom gave it to her. My daughter is now engaged. I asked my sister to mail me the dress or, when I visit, I can carry it back myself so my daughter can try it on. We live in the U.S.; my sister lives in Canada. My daughter would not alter it in any way, she would just like to take a photograph in it and have a special moment with it. My sister has refused.

Is this right? It feels like such an ugly, selfish decision. She has three daughters and wants it for them, which I can understand. But how does my daughter trying it on take away from that? I'm having a hard time with this, and I would like to know your thoughts. How can I take the high road but let her know she took the low road and I'm disappointed in her? I don't think she has the corner on the market for caring about our mother just because she got married before I did and has the dress. -- DRAMA ABOUT THE DRESS

DEAR DRAMA: If you want to take the "high road," omit any geographic reference to her refusal. Just say that you and your daughter are "very disappointed" by her reaction and, had the situation been reversed, you would have been "more generous."

You might also consider visiting your sister and bringing your daughter with you, if your sister agrees, so she can try on the dress there. I wish you luck.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are friends with another couple ("Allen" and "Laura") we enjoy very much. We live about an hour apart, so we don't see them as often as we'd like. When we do make plans, Laura almost always invites along her sister and her husband. While they are a nice couple, we would sometimes prefer it be just the four of us.

We are spending the winter in another state and have invited them to come for a visit. Laura is already hinting around about wanting to invite her sister and husband. How do I politely handle this? -- CROWDED IN THE EAST

DEAR CROWDED: Handle this by "politely" telling Laura that you and your husband would prefer it just be a foursome this time, and "perhaps another time" you can include her sister. Period!

DEAR ABBY: I've wanted to be a pilot for a long time. But because of my medical history and my need to be on medicine, both of which are disqualifying, it's not possible. I have been good at handwriting comparisons as a hobby, specifically in legal cases, although I am unpaid. Also, I may get a job as a mail clerk at a federal department.

How can I move past this major disappointment where I'm grounded (job-wise) for life? I pray, and have given free psychic readings. I'd like to find love but I struggle with emotional regulation. Please help. -- ALL OVER THE PLACE

DEAR ALL OVER: Your first order of "business" needs to be finding a job you can enjoy other than flying. Once that's done and you are on firm financial footing, explore those hobbies of yours. Rewarding relationships are based on mutual interests.

Between your job and your hobbies, you may meet someone with whom you can have a romantic relationship.