DEAR ABBY: During my teenage years, I was repeatedly raped by my brother. The emotional and physical damage has left my life broken. He is now in a long-term relationship. Should I tell his girlfriend about the abuse? When I confronted him about it years ago, he denied it. If you were his girlfriend, wouldn't you want to know? -- HOLDING A SECRET

DEAR HOLDING: Yes, I would want to know. I'll bet your parents would have also wanted to know. As would your teachers or school counselors, so your brother could have been reported as a sexual predator and stopped. By all means tell the girlfriend, particularly if she has a daughter.

P.S. Because what your brother did has left lasting scars, please seek counseling with a licensed therapist with expertise in treating victims of sexual abuse. Contact RAINN (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network) for more guidance. You will find it on the internet at rainn.org.

DEAR ABBY: I have just been diagnosed with cancer. I doubt that I will live another 10 years. My wife is arguing with me because I want to draw down my 401(k) over the next 10 years so I can enjoy the savings I have accrued during my long career. We are talking about a LOT of money, Abby -- expensive cars, expensive second homes, extravagant vacations.

How can I convince her that I deserve this after having worked for 40 years, and that we should enjoy these savings for the period of time left for me on Earth? -- WANTS TO ENJOY LIFE NOW

DEAR WANTS: I'm sure your diagnosis has been frightening for both you and your wife. She may be worried that if you plow through all the money, there will be nothing left for her after you are gone. Although you are dubious about it, there is also the possibility that you may live 10 more years and beyond. That's why this is an important subject you and your wife should discuss with a financial adviser.

DEAR ABBY: I work in an office where people occasionally bring in treats to share with co-workers. Usually, we place the goodies in a common area and let others know there's food available and they're welcome to it.

The problem I'm having is that one particular co-worker brings in treats and shares them only with her favorite office buddies. She's not discreet about it either. She struts around the office and makes a big scene delivering her homemade treats to her friends, right in front of the people she has chosen not to include. Should she be confronted and told she's being rude and inconsiderate, or should her behavior just be ignored? -- MISSING OUT

DEAR MISSING OUT: What your co-worker is doing is rude. This is a lesson in politeness and consideration for others that children in grammar school usually learn. (Perhaps she was playing hooky that day.) That said, if there's no rule in your office against it, I do not advise confronting her. Turnabout is fair play, and perhaps you should discuss a "delicious" solution with the rest of the unfavored few.

DEAR ABBY: When my husband and I fight, which isn't really that often, he shuts himself away for several days. He locks the door to his office or the guest room and won't come out. I try to give him time to cool off, but sometimes it's awkward. He wouldn't talk to me at all for several days while his whole family was here celebrating his grandma's 90th birthday.

He's mad again. I apologized by text since he wouldn't talk to me, but our kids -- ages 6 and 8 -- are going to wonder why Daddy isn't with us. Should I skip a planned event and give him more time to cool off or try to approach him? -- WAITING FOR HIM IN GEORGIA

DEAR WAITING: Skip the planned event, and when your passive-aggressive husband comes out of hiding, insist the two of you get marriage counseling to resolve your differences. What he has been doing isn't healthy for your marriage. Dealing with conflict by hiding and using the silent treatment to punish one's spouse sets a poor example for your children, who are old enough to recognize that something is wrong between Daddy and Mommy. If he won't do it for the sake of your marriage, he should do it for the emotional health of those kids.

DEAR ABBY: I will be meeting an old high school friend for lunch. We are now in our 50s. I heard through the grapevine that she never had children. I am unsure what to say when the subject of children comes up, as it invariably will. "I'm sorry" may not be appropriate because perhaps she never wanted any. "Wow" or "interesting" may sound a bit odd.

In a similar vein, what does one say to someone when they share that they are divorced? I recall a woman I met telling me she was divorced. I said, "I'm sorry," and she replied, "I'm not!" What's an appropriate response for when these situations happen? I don't want to appear unsympathetic, but perhaps they don't want sympathy. -- SYMPATHETIC IN FLORIDA

DEAR SYMPATHETIC: You may have hit on something. The birthrate in the United States is at an all-time low because many women have chosen to forgo motherhood. If someone tells you she doesn't have children, all you have to say is "Oh," and change the subject. You should not interrogate the person further. As for the subject of divorce, sometimes dissolution of a marriage is therapeutic. Do not ask for -- or expect -- more details. Show an interest in what your old friend is doing now and move on from there.

DEAR ABBY: My late husband was a dentist. Should I include his DDS degree on his headstone? -- NOT SURE IN THE SOUTH

DEAR NOT SURE: Although your husband may be deceased and no longer practicing dentistry, it doesn't make him any less a dentist. He earned his degree. If you would like it carved in granite, I don't see why it shouldn't be. Inquire at the cemetery about its protocol.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "Peter," has a number of female friends I'm not comfortable with, primarily because they are women he "had" interest in before we started dating. He says he has told them he's taken now and they can't be more than friends, but I don't think they got the message. He recently told me one of them told him a guy had proposed to her but she's delaying accepting in case Peter becomes available. This is the second time something like this has happened.

I believe it's because of the way he relates to these girls. I mean, if he has really made clear in words and actions that he's not interested in them romantically, they wouldn't base their life decisions on the hope that they may still have a chance with him.

Peter may tell me these things because he wants me to know lots of women are willing to have him. But I'm confused at this point about whether he's truly committed to me. Could it be he just likes "talking" to women even though it leads them on? And is this behavior healthy for a future marriage? -- SECOND THOUGHTS

DEAR SECOND THOUGHTS: You are asking intelligent questions. Unfortunately, not knowing your fiance, I can't answer them. I can, however, offer this: When couples become serious, they stop playing games. If your fiance thinks that causing you to feel jealous or insecure at this point is constructive, he is making a mistake because it won't stop after the wedding. Peter appears to be immature, and that's a red flag. Premarital counseling may help to clear the air.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 28 years. I thought we were very happy for the first 25. The change came when our children all left home. We sold our large house, which I was more than willing to do. But the house we have moved into causes me a lot of anxiety because of the traffic noise. My husband is very forceful about his "right" to choose where we live. He has insisted that the next move is also his choice and has already purchased the land. He claims he has provided for others all these years, and now it's his turn to get what he wants.

Abby, I raised the children, I still have a job and I contribute to every aspect of home life. Although I love him with all my heart, I wonder if I'd be better off throwing in the towel. He refuses to go to counseling, but I have gone, to help with my anxiety. After three years in this new home, I don't see any sign he will change his ways. I have tried talking to him about choosing something different together and moving, but he won't do it. Help! -- BACK UP AGAINST THE WALL

DEAR BACK: I can't change your husband's attitude and, apparently, neither can you. I'm glad you have been seeing a therapist, because it's time to schedule more appointments. Your therapist will help you to decide whether you can continue living with someone who refuses to recognize your contributions to the marriage and who has such a controlling, authoritarian attitude.

You have decisions to make that should not be taken lightly or decided while you are emotional. You deserve peace of mind and an equal voice about where you choose to live.