life

Dating Experience Suffers in Sex-Obsessed Culture

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 30th, 2021 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am a 48-year-old woman, divorced for 10 years. During that time, I have been in two serious relationships. I'm no prude, but it seems like everyone I date, and who my friends and I talk to, and articles I see are all about sex, having sex, rushing to sex. It's like there's no emphasis on actually getting to know a person anymore.

I'd like to believe that sex is something people who are already emotionally intimate can share. But by the third date, sex is not only expected but considered "normal." When I say that it's too soon for me, I'm not called back for another date. If I do go forward with sex, I feel compromised and cheapened when the "relationship" ends. These men didn't take the time to actually know me.

Please understand. I'm mature enough to handle this, but I'm deterred from dating because of it. Are there any men out there who want a connection that isn't just physical? -- NOT CONNECTING IN MISSOURI

DEAR NOT CONNECTING: Yes, there are. But in our hookup culture, it may take time to find them. I agree that we live in a sex-obsessed society, as we are constantly reminded in print, television, film and online media. Many men in your age group avoid emotional intimacy because they have been divorced and don't want to quickly jump back into a committed relationship.

It's possible you might have better luck if you join activity groups in which the members have common interests besides running right off to the bedroom. You should never allow yourself to be coerced into doing anything you don't feel ready for. Unlike what some people may believe, sex does not automatically go with the dinner.

SexLove & Dating
life

Mother's Death Overshadows Wedding Anniversary

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 30th, 2021 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been together for 10 years and were legally married a year ago. Our wedding was last-minute because my mother asked us to move the date up and make it happen fast. We obliged because she was very sick at the time, and we put the wedding together in nine days. The ceremony was beautiful. My mother passed away days later. It is obvious to me now that she knew she was terminal; however, I did not.

Since the date of her death is so close to our anniversary, it's a very emotional and hard time for me. I would prefer to celebrate on a different day, perhaps the anniversary of our first date. My husband tells me that while he understands it's hard for me, the date of our legal ceremony is important to him and worthy of celebration. I just don't feel much like celebrating. Although I know it's not fair to him, all I want to do is mourn the loss of my mother. How should I handle this? -- BITTERSWEET MEMORIES IN FLORIDA

DEAR BITTERSWEET: A compromise is in order. Explain again to your husband that because you lost your mother only a year ago, and this will be the first anniversary after her death, you would prefer to either forgo a celebration this year or celebrate on a different date. Assure him that your sadness will lessen eventually, and when it does, you will be fine celebrating your wedding anniversary with him in the future.

DeathFamily & ParentingHolidays & CelebrationsMarriage & Divorce
life

Receptionist Hears Doctor and Staff Ridicule Patients

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 29th, 2021 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I work as a receptionist in a small medical office. I love my job, but I cannot tolerate when my co-workers make fun of our patients. Sometimes it happens while the patients are still in the exam rooms, maybe within earshot. Even the doctor contributes to this crudeness.

Some examples: "Did you see the size of that guy's nose?" or, "What's with the color of her hair?" or, "He smells like he hasn't had a bath in weeks." This goes on throughout the day every day. Is there anything I can do or say to change this mindset? We have great patients. -- AT A LOSS FOR WORDS

DEAR AT A LOSS: The person who's responsible for the lack of respect for the patients is your employer, the doctor. If this is happening sometimes within earshot of the patients, I am, frankly, shocked that he or she has a medical practice.

There is nothing you can do to change the culture in that environment. Because it upsets you -- and I can certainly see why it would -- you might be happier working for another doctor.

Work & SchoolEtiquette & Ethics
life

Daughter's Best Friend Pockets Trinkets During Visits

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 29th, 2021 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My daughter "Tiffany" is 12. Her best friend, "Wendy," lives down the block. We are good friends with her parents.

How do I put this: Wendy is a thief. She has no impulse control. When she comes over, she helps herself to whatever is lying around, mostly candy and trinkets. For this reason, we no longer allow friends into our children's rooms.

Recently, another item went missing, and my daughter spotted it at Wendy's house. I told her she should say something and take it back, but she is shy. I want to say something to the parents, but I'm afraid it will ruin our friendship. I don't think the mother knows her daughter does these things. Any ideas? -- STICKY FINGERS

DEAR STICKY FINGERS: If the shoe was on the other foot and your daughter was stealing things from her friends' homes, wouldn't you want to know what was going on so you could deal with it? Talk to Wendy's mother! Tell her you don't want to spoil a friendship you treasure, but Wendy has a problem she needs to know about. If you ignore it, the problem will only escalate.

Family & ParentingFriends & Neighbors
life

Couple Squares Off Over Cleaning Dog's Bowl

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 29th, 2021 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Would you please settle an argument between my husband and me? One of us thinks it's OK to dry our everyday dishes with the same dish towel we clean our dog's bowl with. The bowl is first rinsed with soap and water then wiped with the dish towel. One of us thinks it's disgusting. The other disagrees. Would you wash your dishes with said towel? -- CURIOUS IN KETTERING, OHIO

DEAR CURIOUS: Although the dish may be perfectly clean after being washed with soap and water, because of the "ick" factor, I sure wouldn't.

Health & Safety
life

Special Relationship Ends When Man's Wife Returns

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 28th, 2021 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I've been dating a married man for the last three years, and everything was great. We were attached at the hip and inseparable. I thought we had something special going.

His wife abandoned him and their two children for more than a year, and he didn't know anything about raising kids, so I stepped in to help. It was great. They were just like my own. I was finally happy. I had the life I wanted. He even met with a lawyer to get a divorce.

Suddenly he announced he's letting her come back because she has nowhere to go. I am devastated. Ever since her return, she has made his life a living hell. He tells everyone -- including her -- how miserable he is, and she does the same thing.

Why won't he get a divorce? Should I wait for him? Did he ever really love me? -- LOVING LADY IN TEXAS

DEAR LOVING LADY: There could be any number of reasons why he won't divorce his wife. He may feel that, miserable as he is, a divorce would be too expensive. Or he may be trying to keep the family together "for the sake of the kids." Or he may even love her.

That she is making his life a "living hell" is a problem of his own making. Please, for the sake of your own mental health, quit making it yours. Did he ever really love you? I can't answer that and neither can you. He certainly isn't acting like someone who loves you.

Gather your strength and jump off the treadmill. It's time to go on with your life.

Love & Dating
life

Baby's Safety Is Concern for First-Time Mom

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 28th, 2021 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are going to be first-time parents in a few months, and this will be the first grandchild on both sides of the family (and the first baby in almost 18 years). We are excited to share this experience with them. However, I have some concerns about after the baby is born.

I already deal with anxiety, and I have strict "rules" that I would like to be followed. For example, no kissing my baby's face, no posting photos on social media, etc. How can I get my wishes across to my family without sounding like a control freak? I worry that they won't respect them and say I'm overthinking everything. Any advice is appreciated. -- FIRST-TIME PARENT IN NEW YORK

DEAR FIRST-TIME PARENT: Your life is in transition, and your concerns are understandable. Remember, you are the parent. If you prefer your baby not be smothered with kisses, you are within your rights to say so. However, as long as your relatives are not sick and wash their hands well before touching your newborn, there shouldn't be a problem. After three months, your baby's underdeveloped immune system should be stronger.

If you haven't already discussed this with your pediatrician, schedule an appointment. Not only will you find it educational, it may put some of your fears to rest.

As to your little one's image being posted online, every family has their own comfort level. Explain your concerns, and if the grands don't cooperate, make them surrender their cellphones when they visit.

Health & SafetyFamily & Parenting

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