life

Man Wants To Quit Trying After Wife's Multiple Miscarriages

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 21st, 2021 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have had a total of six miscarriages -- one before our miracle son and five since we began trying for a second child more than two years ago.

I always wanted a boatload of children, but my husband and I agreed on two before we got married. Now he wants to call it quits. He doesn't want to keep trying because he sees the emotional toll each loss has on me. I want to get a second opinion from a fertility specialist who helped a friend with similar issues.

The only way I know how to describe the way I feel is that it feels as though "someone" is missing from our family. I ache and long for and miss that person, even though I've never met them. I know deep in my soul, that they are supposed to be here. Missing them doesn't mean I love my husband and son any less. But as much as I love those two, I also miss that person. What should my husband and I do? -- CHALLENGED IN TEXAS

DEAR CHALLENGED: Please accept my heartfelt sympathy. Clearly you have been through a wrenching time, and your loving husband is reluctant to see you continue to suffer as you have been. You and your husband should talk to the fertility specialist who helped your friend. However, if more treatment is unsuccessful, it will be time for you to seek a referral to a licensed psychotherapist who can help you cope with your disappointment and loss.

Because you can't escape the feeling that someone is missing, perhaps you might consider using a surrogate, fostering or adopting a child who needs a loving home and family.

Family & ParentingDeathMental Health
life

Woman's Friends Are a Threat to New Boyfriend

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 21st, 2021 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have been single for almost three years. I recently started dating a man who, I have realized over the past few weeks, has a problem with me spending time with friends without him. I have explained that it is a healthy and normal thing to have friends and to go do things with them. I have explained that he has nothing to worry about because I am respectful of our relationship and a faithful girlfriend. I have also begun to notice that he has no friends.

I have told him he is coming across as controlling. I don't want this to be a problem with him, and I don't know how to get him to see that it's normal for people to go and have fun as friends. My friends are classmates of mine, both male and female, and younger than I am. One of them is gay. I have explained that as well to my boyfriend. Am I overthinking this as a potential problem or is this truly a red flag? -- CATCHING IT NOW IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CATCHING IT: You are not overthinking anything, and yes, this is a red flag -- not a potential one. The person you have described appears to be so insecure that any activity you have that doesn't include him is perceived as a threat. The longer you remain involved with this person, the harder he will try to socially isolate you. Please do not allow that to happen. End it now.

Love & DatingFriends & Neighbors
life

Schedules Collide When Mother and Daughter Share a Car

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 20th, 2021 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am a 16-year-old girl, and I'm having a conflict with my mom over my car. Her car broke down and she needed to use mine, which is completely understandable, and I agreed. However, I have a work schedule I have to stick to, and I need my car to get to and from. I pay all the bills for it, and the title is in my grandfather's name.

I asked her to let me use my car to get to and from work and for Valentine's Day with my boyfriend. She seemed extremely upset by it, and now she and my stepdad continually tell me that should she EVER need the car, I have to give it to her.

While I understand she needs it to get to and from work, and I'm willing to be flexible so she can, her demand that I not use it the entire time hers is in the shop (majority of this time is on a weekend when she's not working) is completely unacceptable because I also have responsibilities.

How do I help her understand that while she can use it for work because that is important, when I need it after her work hours, I should be able to use it because I pay for it? Must I just suck it up and let her continue using it (putting my relationship with my boyfriend at risk and possibly having to walk five miles to work in bad weather) or tell her the days I need it are absolute, and since it is my car, I will be using it? -- CONFUSED IN MISSOURI

DEAR CONFUSED: While I agree with the concept of "yours" and "mine," there are times when family has to pull together.

On the grand scale of things at this point, your mom's responsibilities as an adult are more important than your love life. If your boyfriend thinks so little of you that your being carless on a special occasion will destroy your relationship, then that relationship isn't destined to last forever.

If lacking access to your car means you would have to trudge five miles in bad weather to and from work, ask your stepdad or your grandfather if -- in an emergency -- one of them can transport you. But do not attempt to lay down the law to your mother, or I guarantee you will not like the consequences.

Family & ParentingTeensWork & SchoolLove & DatingHolidays & Celebrations
life

Man and His Crush Have the Same Ex-Boyfriend

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 20th, 2021 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: There is this guy that I like a lot. I want to ask him out, but it recently came to my attention that we have a mutual ex-boyfriend. Should I bring it up or let it go? He is friends with our shared ex on Facebook, and I don't know what to do. -- GUY WITH A CRUSH IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR GUY: Once the quarantine and social distancing are lifted, ask him out. When you do, I think it would be wise to disclose this information to your crush because it will become apparent soon enough. If things move forward, there will likely be pictures posted on Facebook. If you try to sweep it under the carpet, he will think you are doing it because you have something to hide. Introduce the subject this way: "Small world, isn't it?"

Love & DatingLGBTQ
life

Family Estrangement Is Hard To Explain to Kids

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 19th, 2021 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am a woman who has been through a lot. I grew up thinking my grandmother was my mother, my mother was my sister, my uncle was my brother, and my own siblings my nieces and nephews. A "family issue" brought it all out in the open, and now I am estranged from my family.

My grandmother who adopted me passed away a few years ago. The issue was lies and the fact that I was molested, which is why my grandmother stepped in. How do I explain to my children, 6 and 9, that we don't have family on my side? They have been asking because my husband is very close with his own family. -- ESTRANGED IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR ESTRANGED: Your family situation is complicated, and I don't think it would be appropriate for you to reveal the details until your children are quite a bit more mature. Lies, cover-ups and child molestation are valid reasons to have distanced yourself.

In the meantime, tell them you will explain when they are older. At some point they may need the information in case any of your relatives try to contact them in the future.

Family & ParentingAbuse
life

Ex-Husband Takes Mother's Death Hard

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 19th, 2021 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I broke things off with my ex-husband back in 2011. His dad passed away in 2013, and I have just learned that his mother died two months ago. I heard through the wife of his friend that he didn't take it well, so I sent him a sympathy card with my phone number in case he wanted to talk.

Today I found out that he eats only one meal a day or just has one of those shakes. He insisted he's fine, but I don't think so. It sounds like he's still not handling it well. I'm worried that he's going to waste away.

We live in the same state but in two different cities. I still love him, and I'm trying to help him. How can I do that? -- WORRIED EX IN OHIO

DEAR EX: Does your ex have relatives who live closer to him than you do? If so, contact them and express your concerns so perhaps they can check on him. However, if he doesn't, consider looking in on him yourself. If you do, it may not only ease your mind but also resuscitate your relationship, if he is open to a reconciliation.

Family & ParentingMarriage & DivorceDeath
life

Son Says Long Hair Makes Mom Look Like a Witch

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 19th, 2021 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am a 64-year-old woman. For once in my life, my hair is long, about elbow length. My son visits me about once every three months because he lives an hour's drive away. Today when he arrived, the first words out of his mouth were, "You look like a witch!" It made me feel very sad. He then proceeded to tell me no one over the age of 40 should wear long hair. What do you think? I've always been neat and clean. -- SAD MOM IN COLORADO

DEAR SAD MOM: I think that at age 64, you can wear your hair any way you like it. Many women (and men) have allowed their hair to grow since the pandemic began, regardless of age. (I happen to know an 85-year-old woman whose lush, shiny hair is down to the middle of her back, and she looks great.) If you like your hair long, keep it that way. Do not allow your tactless son to be your fashion arbiter. Go, Rapunzel!

Family & ParentingAgingCOVID-19

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