life

Mom Longs to Reunite Family Despite Advice From Friends

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 12th, 2021 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I recently got into a huge fight with my boyfriend, which caused us to break up and me to move two hours away to stay with my mom. We have a beautiful 6-month-old daughter, and I still love him very much. He has begged me to move back and has shown me he still has feelings for me.

Because of past abuse from family and previous partners, I find it very hard to trust. I would love to go back, but I keep being told that it would be a mistake. I want to be a family again, but I don't want the people who tell me it's a mistake to be mad at me. Must I give in and stay away or follow my heart and go back? -- MIXED UP IN MISSOURI

DEAR MIXED UP: I wish you had disclosed more about the fight that caused you to move away and take the baby. It must have been a doozy. Was he cheating? Physically or emotionally abusive? If it was any of those, I don't think it is advisable to reconcile.

Why are "people" advising you not to go back with him? Are their reasons valid? If they aren't, perhaps you should worry less about pleasing them and more about accepting responsibility for your own choices.

Should you follow your heart? Yes, if it leads you and this man to a licensed couples counselor for help in resolving your problems before they get out of hand again, and deciding what would be in the best interest of your child.

Love & DatingFamily & Parenting
life

Former Girlfriend Intrudes on Newlyweds

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 12th, 2021 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I just got married. We have only one problem: his ex-girlfriend. She used to be my best friend, but we fell out years ago.

She hadn't contacted him in a long time, but since she found out we got married, she has been texting him begging to meet up. She messaged me once asking for all of us to get together, but she messages him to meet her alone and "talk." He ignores her and shows me the messages.

Should I step in and tell her to back off or ignore her as he is doing? I trust and love my husband, but she's becoming a pest and starting to annoy me and him. -- TROUBLED IN TENNESSEE

DEAR TROUBLED: Because silence hasn't successfully conveyed the message that you and your husband aren't interested in renewing the relationship, HE should be the one to tell her -- in plain English. If he doesn't do that, then you should.

Friends & NeighborsMarriage & Divorce
life

Camera-Shy Friends Regret Having No Mementos

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 12th, 2021 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Last year was a tough one for me and my family. In addition to the COVID mess, I lost my best friend of 30 years, and one of my sisters-in-law lost her best friend of 50 years.

We were talking about each of our losses recently, and she mentioned that she has no pictures of her and her friend together. I said the same about my friend. Right then I decided that no matter how bad my hair, makeup, etc. looked, I wouldn't shy away from having my photo taken. Sometimes we don't realize how much a candid snapshot can mean until it is too late. Do you agree? -- MOMENT IN TIME IN TEXAS

DEAR MOMENT: Yes, as a matter of fact, I do. I have been guilty of photo-dodging, and I am sure many others have been, too. After reading your letter, I am resolving to do better in the future. Thank you!

DeathFriends & NeighborsCOVID-19
life

Former Nanny Tires of Keeping Lesbian Marriage Under Wraps

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 11th, 2021 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am an out-and-proud lesbian who recently celebrated 10 years as a couple and three years of marriage to my wife. I worked as a professional nanny for many years, and I'm still extremely close to the first family I worked for. Although we have known each other for years, they still ask me not to mention my marriage when I'm around their kids. They refer to my wife as my "roommate." It's all I can do to bite my tongue. I have ignored this for too long.

I recently invited them over to see my new home. Because of their conservative views, I warned them in advance about the wedding photos I have displayed. I'm not ashamed of my life. I am extremely proud of myself and my wife. I am hurt and offended by their requests. I feel they only accept certain parts of me.

I realize it's unhealthy to continue this way, but I'm terrified of losing them. I'm usually a straightforward person. I feel open communication is important with everyone else in my life. But I have lost relationships before because, no matter how respectful I tried to be, honesty can sometimes be hard to hear. How can I be honest without angering this couple, and what's the best way to start this conversation? -- OUTSPOKEN NANNY

DEAR NANNY: If your former employers think they can censor their children's world to omit the fact that perfectly nice people, including one they love, are gay, they're dreaming. Kids today are very worldly. When the parents started calling your wife your roommate, you should have corrected them then and told them it was offensive and hurtful.

Invite them to your home and leave your wedding photos displayed. Why you are terrified that your relationship with them will end because you're living your authentic life mystifies me. If they can't handle the truth, you and your wife are better off without them.

Work & SchoolFriends & NeighborsMarriage & DivorceLGBTQ
life

Aunt Declares It's Time to End Birthday Gift Grab

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 11th, 2021 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband's brother has two kids, both of whom are now adults. The older one is in their second year of college; the younger one will graduate from high school this spring. We haven't missed a single birthday for either one. The only time we see them is when there's a birthday or it's Christmas (with a few exceptions, like the occasional funeral).

I think it's time to stop the annual birthday gifts. We're not particularly close, and I'm tired of the forced merriment when it's clear they are only after the gift. How do I tell the parents and the grandparents there will be no more gifts for birthdays without sounding like a stingy old aunt? -- GIFTED OUT IN MICHIGAN

DEAR GIFTED OUT: Unless you want to make a change immediately, hang in there until the younger child reaches 21. At that point, put the parents/grandparents on notice that because "the kids" are now adults, you will be sending cards rather than gifts.

Holidays & CelebrationsFamily & Parenting
life

Brother Is Alarmed by Teen Sister's Dangerous Choices

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 10th, 2021 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: A few weeks ago, my 14-year-old sister snuck out and had sex with a boy she met on Snapchat. I know this because my distraught mother decided to tell me.

My sister lied to my parents repeatedly about it, but later, when they went through her phone, they found explicit images that a girl her age should never have. Furthermore, after they confiscated her phone, she acquired a new one from a friend and continues to message boys through Snapchat. She continues to lie to my parents when they ask her if she's communicating with anyone.

She has been hanging around a toxic group of girls at school, and she's very impressionable. She isn't a bad person, but all this lying has left me confused and upset. What can I do to help her? -- HER WORRIED BROTHER IN GEORGIA

DEAR BROTHER: The age of consent in Georgia is 16. Do your parents know the identity and age of the person your sister met on Snapchat? The inappropriate pictures your parents discovered on her phone could be considered child pornography, and there are laws against it.

It's very important that your sister understand how dangerous what she has been doing is. Because the peer group she has chosen to follow is undesirable, it would be better if your sister was removed from that influence and home-schooled or transferred to a different school. Please suggest this to your parents.

SexTeensFamily & Parenting
life

New Neighbor Claims Undeserved Closeness After Best Friend's Death

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 10th, 2021 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My best friend, "Betsy," died suddenly a week ago. She was only 58, and I am devastated. She was the most upbeat, positive person I have ever known.

A year ago, a new neighbor, "Claudia," moved across the street. I befriended her and introduced Claudia to Betsy a couple of months ago. They met twice and texted each other a few times. I was pleased, thinking we could have a girls' night out once in a while.

After Betsy died, I heard Claudia has been telling people her "best friend" had died. The day before, she told me she barely knew Betsy. Claudia also said that at least now she didn't have to share me!

I am appalled that this woman is trying to co-opt my grieving for my dearest friend and make it her own. How do I deal with this? -- SORROWFUL IN WASHINGTON

DEAR SORROWFUL: I am sorry for the loss of your best friend. People who knew you and Betsy know how close you were. Claudia may have said what she did in order to gain sympathy or attention.

Your grief is your own. No one can steal it from you. Claudia may be insecure or jealous of the closeness you shared with Betsy. Now that you know what kind of person Claudia is, act accordingly.

Friends & NeighborsDeath
life

Overused Words Wear Out Their Welcome

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 10th, 2021 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Do you feel the words "cool" and "perfect" are way overused and should be retired indefinitely? -- CURIOUS IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CURIOUS: No, but if you do, I'm perfectly cool with it.

How about overused words like "huge," "awesome" and "epic"? And is everything and everyone truly "AMAZING"? See what you have started? Somebody hand me a thesaurus.

Etiquette & Ethics

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