life

Brother Is Alarmed by Teen Sister's Dangerous Choices

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 10th, 2021 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: A few weeks ago, my 14-year-old sister snuck out and had sex with a boy she met on Snapchat. I know this because my distraught mother decided to tell me.

My sister lied to my parents repeatedly about it, but later, when they went through her phone, they found explicit images that a girl her age should never have. Furthermore, after they confiscated her phone, she acquired a new one from a friend and continues to message boys through Snapchat. She continues to lie to my parents when they ask her if she's communicating with anyone.

She has been hanging around a toxic group of girls at school, and she's very impressionable. She isn't a bad person, but all this lying has left me confused and upset. What can I do to help her? -- HER WORRIED BROTHER IN GEORGIA

DEAR BROTHER: The age of consent in Georgia is 16. Do your parents know the identity and age of the person your sister met on Snapchat? The inappropriate pictures your parents discovered on her phone could be considered child pornography, and there are laws against it.

It's very important that your sister understand how dangerous what she has been doing is. Because the peer group she has chosen to follow is undesirable, it would be better if your sister was removed from that influence and home-schooled or transferred to a different school. Please suggest this to your parents.

Family & ParentingTeensSex
life

New Neighbor Claims Undeserved Closeness After Best Friend's Death

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 10th, 2021 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My best friend, "Betsy," died suddenly a week ago. She was only 58, and I am devastated. She was the most upbeat, positive person I have ever known.

A year ago, a new neighbor, "Claudia," moved across the street. I befriended her and introduced Claudia to Betsy a couple of months ago. They met twice and texted each other a few times. I was pleased, thinking we could have a girls' night out once in a while.

After Betsy died, I heard Claudia has been telling people her "best friend" had died. The day before, she told me she barely knew Betsy. Claudia also said that at least now she didn't have to share me!

I am appalled that this woman is trying to co-opt my grieving for my dearest friend and make it her own. How do I deal with this? -- SORROWFUL IN WASHINGTON

DEAR SORROWFUL: I am sorry for the loss of your best friend. People who knew you and Betsy know how close you were. Claudia may have said what she did in order to gain sympathy or attention.

Your grief is your own. No one can steal it from you. Claudia may be insecure or jealous of the closeness you shared with Betsy. Now that you know what kind of person Claudia is, act accordingly.

DeathFriends & Neighbors
life

Overused Words Wear Out Their Welcome

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 10th, 2021 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Do you feel the words "cool" and "perfect" are way overused and should be retired indefinitely? -- CURIOUS IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CURIOUS: No, but if you do, I'm perfectly cool with it.

How about overused words like "huge," "awesome" and "epic"? And is everything and everyone truly "AMAZING"? See what you have started? Somebody hand me a thesaurus.

Etiquette & Ethics
life

Son Is Consumed by Regret Over Treatment of His Father

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 9th, 2021 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I brought my 68-year-old immigrant father to live with me permanently with the intention of caring for him. He was completely dependent. Halfway through the year, I got angry, told him to move back and vowed to myself I would never ever care for him again. It wasn't that he did anything wrong; I don't know why I got so angry.

He wound up living alone, being helped by his friends. I visited him, but I became disconnected. I knew he was suffering, but I couldn't bring myself to bring him back to live with me. I was extraordinarily cruel, and it hurt him deeply. I let his green card lapse. He passed away two years later.

Since then, I have been overwhelmed with guilt. As a son, I should have cared for my father. I am depressed over my actions. I am a horrible son. I have been crying and asking for forgiveness. Please tell me how I can move forward. -- GUILT-RIDDEN IN THE WEST

DEAR GUILT-RIDDEN: Performing the role of caregiver is an enormous undertaking. While it can be rewarding, it can also be exhausting, unrelenting and stressful. Caregivers have been known to lose their tempers because of the pressure, but because you had bitten off more than you could chew, your reaction was extreme.

If you are religious, talk about this with your clergyperson. If you aren't, please consider scheduling some appointments with a licensed mental health professional who can help you more fully understand what happened between you and your father and help you cope with your guilt. And in the future -- once you are able -- consider atoning by volunteering for a charity that serves the elderly.

Family & ParentingDeathMental Health
life

Wife Wants Out of 30-Year Marriage to Alcoholic

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 9th, 2021 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to a functioning alcoholic for more than 30 years. He was once funny and nice and a good dad. But over the years he has become unbearable to live with. He doesn't shower or brush his teeth. He was always mainly a beer drinker, but now he is drinking hard liquor and stays drunk most of the time he is awake.

I told him I thought he was depressed and a severe alcoholic, and he should talk to his doctor, but he refuses. He walks around cursing under his breath, and nobody wants to be around him. I keep him off the road when he has been drinking, but I'm terrified he will hurt someone. I am pretty sure he is drinking on the job, and I'm scared he will hurt himself. I am ready to leave him, but afraid that if I do, he will be completely lost. Please guide me. -- LOST IN THE SOUTH

DEAR LOST: You don't need me to tell you that your husband is in bad shape. I don't know what his job involves, but if he's interacting with others, I am surprised he can get away with having such poor hygiene and being stoned on alcohol.

Because he refuses to talk to his doctor about this, you should. I hope you are beginning to realize that, on the path he is on, you cannot "save" him. I have mentioned Al-Anon many times in my column. The organization is an offshoot of Alcoholics Anonymous and was started to help families and friends of individuals who are unable to control their drinking. You will gain insight about what to do next if you attend some of their meetings. Find one by going to al-anon.org/info.

Marriage & DivorceAddictionWork & School
life

Playful Name-Calling Isn't Fun Anymore for Boyfriend

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 8th, 2021 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend and I call each other horrible, disparaging names as a form of "love." Recently, I asked her to stop calling me names like that because it was fun at first, but now not so much. For me, it was just too negative.

I love her, and I want to show it by my actions. I want us to be a positive couple. I now call her "Bebe." Well, she got mad and accused me of not letting her be herself. Am I wrong for asking her not to call me ugly, gender-based names? I know she loves me, and I just want her to tone down the name-calling. Is that too much to ask? -- NO DUMB-A-- IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR NO D-A: No, it is not too much to ask. Jokes can get old and stale, and the name-calling stopped being cute or fun for you a while ago. People who love each other are sensitive to the other person's feelings and don't do what your girlfriend is doing. If she persists, it may be time to step back and reevaluate this relationship because her "just being herself" will become a turnoff.

Love & Dating
life

Wife Loses Appetite Watching Man Eat

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 8th, 2021 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband of 34 years has really bad table manners. He smacks when he chews, makes gulping noises when he drinks liquids and stuffs huge amounts of food in his mouth. He once swallowed a whole hard-boiled egg all at once and almost choked. It's gross.

I love him, but his lack of manners is embarrassing, especially when we are invited out or are over at a friend's house. What can I do? -- ROLLING MY EYES IN TENNESSEE

DEAR ROLLING: Have you talked to him about this? If you have, sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words. Hand him a mirror or record a video of him eating so he can see for himself how unappealing he looks when he does this. If that doesn't persuade him to slow down and take smaller bites, consider putting less food on his plate before serving it. I can't guarantee this will work, but it's worth a try.

P.S. A whole egg? OUCH!

Marriage & DivorceEtiquette & Ethics
life

Sister Has Doubts About Divorced Man's Newfound Love

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 8th, 2021 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: After recently having gone through a divorce, my brother has now decided to start a family. He claims he loves her, but I'm afraid she's taking advantage of him. They are both in their mid-30s and blinded by lust. They plan on marrying "maybe a year from now."

I don't know what to think. On the one hand, I'm happy he has moved on and found a new life. On the other hand, I'm afraid for him, knowing he's vulnerable. How do I cope? -- BEWILDERED SIS IN VERMONT

DEAR SIS: Your brother is talking about getting married a year from now. Unless he's putting the cart before the horse by starting a family before the wedding, he seems to be handling things quite well and not rushing into a commitment he can't get out of. Calm yourself. Let this play out and get to know his girlfriend. If you do, you may find you like her.

Family & ParentingMarriage & Divorce

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