life

Woman's Boyfriend Preoccupied With Her Previous Relationship

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 5th, 2021 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My sister "Darby" and I are in our 20s and confused about the relationship she is in. She's 23 and has been dating a 22-year-old man. They fight a lot because he can't stop talking about her ex-boyfriend. He says he visualizes her having sex with him, and is frustrated with himself for not being able to get the images out of his head. Is there a name for this particular problem, and how can Darby work with it? -- SUPPORTIVE SIS IN THE WEST

DEAR SIS: Yes, actually, there are two names for this "condition." They are obsession and jealousy, and both are signs of potential control issues. Stay close to your sister and be there for her, because this young man's behavior is a red flag.

Darby and her boyfriend are both adults. I assume neither came to the relationship wrapped in cellophane. His fixation should not be hers (or yours) to fix. Because he can't get the images out of his head, he should schedule a few sessions with a licensed psychotherapist, since his problem will continue the longer he is in the dating world.

SexLove & Dating
life

Needy Daughter Becomes Threat to Man's Girlfriend

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 5th, 2021 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I moved in with my boyfriend six years ago. A year ago, his adult daughter decided she would have all her internet purchases sent to his home. Abby, these packages arrive every day, all week long. I'm tired of it. I think she's a spend-aholic.

I told him at the beginning of our relationship that I would never come between him and his daughter. But it has become a bit much. She calls him for every little thing. Now she has started asking him to help with his granddaughter's homework. I have two adult children of my own and grandchildren. Am I overreacting? I'm ready to move out and on. -- OVER IT AND OUT

DEAR OVER IT: Before moving out and on, discuss this with your boyfriend of six years. His daughter seems to be unusually dependent for an adult. Is there a reason why she's doing these things? Could she be fearful that the packages she's ordering could be stolen from her porch? Does her daughter need more help academically than she is able to provide? The answers to those questions could be enlightening. After you get those answers, there will be time to make a rational (rather than emotional) decision about the status of the relationship you have with her father.

Family & ParentingLove & Dating
life

Single Man Looking for Woman Meets Mostly Men

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 5th, 2021 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am a 52-year-old single, straight male. For some reason, only men seem to be attracted to me. If I sit at a table in a restaurant or bar, a man will come over and sit next to me. If I go to the park, a man will sit next to me on the bench. Walking down the street, random men approach me. It's terrible. I'm straight! Please help! -- UNIQUE PROBLEM IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR UNIQUE PROBLEM: Because you're not meeting women, try to put yourself in situations where you will meet them. Because you are consistently approached by men and you're not interested, consider asking them if they have a female relative who's single. And when you encounter a woman you think you can click with, speak up and introduce yourself.

Love & DatingLGBTQ
life

Disconnect Regarding Faith May Herald Couple's Demise

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 4th, 2021 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating this guy seriously for a year. We have talked about marriage and we were even looking at rings. Due to certain recent events, I have come to realize that my hope for his Christianity to grow stronger is probably never going to happen. I love this man with all my heart, but I also need a husband who will pray with me, have a heart for God, who will want to go to church and make decisions by praying and leaning on God.

We have talked about this and what my needs are, but he's not sure if he will get there. Do I hold on and hope through my actions and life, he will learn how to walk with God fully, or should I let him go and try to find someone else? -- BROKENHEARTED BELIEVER

DEAR BELIEVER: If you can't accept this man just the way he is, let him go. You shouldn't marry anyone hoping to change him because it wouldn't be fair to either of you. If faith is your No. 1 priority, it would be better for both of you if you look further for a life partner.

ReligionLove & Dating
life

Friend Disconnects From Social Media in Response to Bullying Behavior

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 4th, 2021 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My friend "Gina" and I have known each other for many years. The other day she got into a heated discussion on Facebook with several other people we've known for years. It was about politics. When I read her post, I was shocked. She belittled and bullied those who didn't share her opinion. I have since deleted my FB account because I don't want to see such hatred. What do I tell her when she asks why I'm no longer on social media? -- SOCIAL MEDIA DISTANCED

DEAR SOCIAL: Tell Gina the truth. Say you deleted your account because you were shocked when you saw people with differing political opinions being bullied and demeaned, which you found shocking and offensive. If she's foolish enough to push you for more detail, tell her how her post affected you. It's shameful that adults in this day and age cannot calmly discuss their differences without resorting to those tactics.

Friends & Neighbors
life

Two Men Pull at Woman's Heart

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 4th, 2021 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am torn between two guys. I have known the first guy for a year, and we had some ups and downs. Six months ago he had a heart attack, but he pulled through, thank God. But since then, things have been very hard. Our relationship went sour and we broke up.

I met the second guy online a month ago. He seems very sweet and down to earth and treats me like a princess. The first guy and I ended up talking again, and the problem is, I'm still in love with him. I think both of them are wonderful and I don't know what decision to make. Please help me. -- CHOICES, CHOICES IN DELAWARE

DEAR CHOICES: Before making any decision, it's important you fully understand why your relationship with Guy No. 1 went sour after his heart attack. Could it be related to his near-death experience? You need to have all the facts before jumping back into a romance with him.

You haven't known Guy No. 2 long enough to really know who he is yet. Do not pull the plug on this one until you have more answers than you were able to put in your letter to me.

Health & SafetyLove & Dating
life

New Mom Not in the Mood for Husband's Entreaties

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 3rd, 2021 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am a first-time mommy of a beautiful 2 1/2-month-old little boy. I should also mention that I'm 40 years old. My husband is constantly asking for sex. I mean, every day. I honestly do not feel like having it. I'm so worn out by the day-to-day chores of being a wife and motherhood that when the baby goes to sleep, I go to sleep immediately.

My husband refuses to understand how exhausted I am, and his constantly asking for sex makes me want it even less. I try to reassure him that it's not him, because he thinks he has done something wrong or that I'm not attracted to him anymore. But he also doesn't help me out much around here. So, basically, I'm asking what can I do? -- TOUCHY SUBJECT IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR TOUCHY: You and your husband are overdue for a frank talk. Sit him down and explain exactly what you need from him. Tell him you need his help so the entire burden of taking care of his home and his baby isn't entirely on your shoulders. After you have finished doing that, point out that if he contributes to the household tasks and baby duties, it will take the pressure off you and make it more likely that you can relax and get in the mood for something more pleasant.

Family & ParentingSexMarriage & Divorce
life

Son in Abusive Marriage Won't Leave His Kids

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 3rd, 2021 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My son is in an abusive marriage. He is verbally, mentally and emotionally abused by his wife constantly. She does everything she can to force him to leave. She tells him it is her house and she wants him to go. They bought the house together, and they both work and pay the bills. He won't leave because he doesn't want to leave his kids. Is there any kind of support for abused men? -- CONCERNED DAD IN N. CAROLINA

DEAR DAD: There certainly is, and I hope you will tell your son to reach out for it. No one should be harassed the way your son is being, because the effects can be not only devastating, but also long-lasting. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org; 1-800-799-7233) and Stop Abuse for Everyone (stopabuseforeveryone.org) serve male victims of abuse as well as female. Urge him to contact one or both of them.

AbuseMarriage & DivorceFamily & Parenting
life

Family Gives Birthday Parties for Deceased Relatives

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 3rd, 2021 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have married into a family that celebrates birthdays of members who have died. They are not observing the passing, but doing full-fledged birthday events. This is a practice I have never before experienced, and most of these people I have never met. I don't want to be disrespectful, but it seems really odd, especially since many of those people died years ago. It's becoming difficult to do more than express my sympathy for their loss. Is this done by other families? -- BEWILDERED IN FLORIDA

DEAR BEWILDERED: If there is anything I have learned in the course of writing this column, as well as my own journey through life, it is that individuals, families and cultures do not have identical ways of grieving or honoring their deceased loved ones. While it may seem unusual to you, this is the way they remember their loved ones.

Because this is your spouse's family, talk with him about how to navigate this issue without causing hurt feelings. If you are uncomfortable participating in these celebrations, continue to be respectful, but attend fewer of them.

Holidays & CelebrationsDeathFamily & Parenting

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