life

Disconnect Regarding Faith May Herald Couple's Demise

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 4th, 2021 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating this guy seriously for a year. We have talked about marriage and we were even looking at rings. Due to certain recent events, I have come to realize that my hope for his Christianity to grow stronger is probably never going to happen. I love this man with all my heart, but I also need a husband who will pray with me, have a heart for God, who will want to go to church and make decisions by praying and leaning on God.

We have talked about this and what my needs are, but he's not sure if he will get there. Do I hold on and hope through my actions and life, he will learn how to walk with God fully, or should I let him go and try to find someone else? -- BROKENHEARTED BELIEVER

DEAR BELIEVER: If you can't accept this man just the way he is, let him go. You shouldn't marry anyone hoping to change him because it wouldn't be fair to either of you. If faith is your No. 1 priority, it would be better for both of you if you look further for a life partner.

Love & DatingReligion
life

Friend Disconnects From Social Media in Response to Bullying Behavior

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 4th, 2021 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My friend "Gina" and I have known each other for many years. The other day she got into a heated discussion on Facebook with several other people we've known for years. It was about politics. When I read her post, I was shocked. She belittled and bullied those who didn't share her opinion. I have since deleted my FB account because I don't want to see such hatred. What do I tell her when she asks why I'm no longer on social media? -- SOCIAL MEDIA DISTANCED

DEAR SOCIAL: Tell Gina the truth. Say you deleted your account because you were shocked when you saw people with differing political opinions being bullied and demeaned, which you found shocking and offensive. If she's foolish enough to push you for more detail, tell her how her post affected you. It's shameful that adults in this day and age cannot calmly discuss their differences without resorting to those tactics.

Friends & Neighbors
life

Two Men Pull at Woman's Heart

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 4th, 2021 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am torn between two guys. I have known the first guy for a year, and we had some ups and downs. Six months ago he had a heart attack, but he pulled through, thank God. But since then, things have been very hard. Our relationship went sour and we broke up.

I met the second guy online a month ago. He seems very sweet and down to earth and treats me like a princess. The first guy and I ended up talking again, and the problem is, I'm still in love with him. I think both of them are wonderful and I don't know what decision to make. Please help me. -- CHOICES, CHOICES IN DELAWARE

DEAR CHOICES: Before making any decision, it's important you fully understand why your relationship with Guy No. 1 went sour after his heart attack. Could it be related to his near-death experience? You need to have all the facts before jumping back into a romance with him.

You haven't known Guy No. 2 long enough to really know who he is yet. Do not pull the plug on this one until you have more answers than you were able to put in your letter to me.

Love & DatingHealth & Safety
life

New Mom Not in the Mood for Husband's Entreaties

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 3rd, 2021 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am a first-time mommy of a beautiful 2 1/2-month-old little boy. I should also mention that I'm 40 years old. My husband is constantly asking for sex. I mean, every day. I honestly do not feel like having it. I'm so worn out by the day-to-day chores of being a wife and motherhood that when the baby goes to sleep, I go to sleep immediately.

My husband refuses to understand how exhausted I am, and his constantly asking for sex makes me want it even less. I try to reassure him that it's not him, because he thinks he has done something wrong or that I'm not attracted to him anymore. But he also doesn't help me out much around here. So, basically, I'm asking what can I do? -- TOUCHY SUBJECT IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR TOUCHY: You and your husband are overdue for a frank talk. Sit him down and explain exactly what you need from him. Tell him you need his help so the entire burden of taking care of his home and his baby isn't entirely on your shoulders. After you have finished doing that, point out that if he contributes to the household tasks and baby duties, it will take the pressure off you and make it more likely that you can relax and get in the mood for something more pleasant.

Marriage & DivorceSexFamily & Parenting
life

Son in Abusive Marriage Won't Leave His Kids

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 3rd, 2021 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My son is in an abusive marriage. He is verbally, mentally and emotionally abused by his wife constantly. She does everything she can to force him to leave. She tells him it is her house and she wants him to go. They bought the house together, and they both work and pay the bills. He won't leave because he doesn't want to leave his kids. Is there any kind of support for abused men? -- CONCERNED DAD IN N. CAROLINA

DEAR DAD: There certainly is, and I hope you will tell your son to reach out for it. No one should be harassed the way your son is being, because the effects can be not only devastating, but also long-lasting. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org; 1-800-799-7233) and Stop Abuse for Everyone (stopabuseforeveryone.org) serve male victims of abuse as well as female. Urge him to contact one or both of them.

Family & ParentingMarriage & DivorceAbuse
life

Family Gives Birthday Parties for Deceased Relatives

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 3rd, 2021 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have married into a family that celebrates birthdays of members who have died. They are not observing the passing, but doing full-fledged birthday events. This is a practice I have never before experienced, and most of these people I have never met. I don't want to be disrespectful, but it seems really odd, especially since many of those people died years ago. It's becoming difficult to do more than express my sympathy for their loss. Is this done by other families? -- BEWILDERED IN FLORIDA

DEAR BEWILDERED: If there is anything I have learned in the course of writing this column, as well as my own journey through life, it is that individuals, families and cultures do not have identical ways of grieving or honoring their deceased loved ones. While it may seem unusual to you, this is the way they remember their loved ones.

Because this is your spouse's family, talk with him about how to navigate this issue without causing hurt feelings. If you are uncomfortable participating in these celebrations, continue to be respectful, but attend fewer of them.

Family & ParentingDeathHolidays & Celebrations
life

Assistant Works Their Way Up Only To Be Sidelined by Boss

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 2nd, 2021 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: When my boss hired me as an assistant four years ago, she specifically told me my job was to do whatever the person above me wants. I wasn't allowed to communicate with anyone on the job other than the lady above me. Even though it was tough to watch my supervisor make so many bad decisions and get away with it, I did what was required of me.

Now I have worked my way up and have an assistant of my own. However, my boss has given my assistant much more than she ever gave me when I was in that position. Sometimes I feel like she acts like I'm not valued. I want to point it out, but I don't want to be that kind of person. I love what I do, but I don't know how much longer I can handle being treated this way.

Should I tell her how I feel? She constantly leaves me out of important decisions and then tries to play mind games to make up for it. She is also giving my assistant important information before telling me. I don't know what I should do. -- FRUSTRATED IN OREGON

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Many companies have annual reviews for employees in which subjects like the ones you have raised are discussed. If this isn't the case in your firm, ask for one.

During that conversation, tell your boss that sometimes you feel your efforts aren't valued and why. Remind her that you were instructed not to talk with anyone on the job other than the person immediately above you, and you feel undercut because your assistant is being given important information before it is shared with you. It may clear the air. However, if it doesn't, by all means start searching for another job, since you seem to be considering it anyway.

Work & School
life

Pandemic Isolation Is Challenge to Kids' Social Skills

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 2nd, 2021 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am worried about my kids and their social well-being. I understand we are in a pandemic. Our family has been responsible and socially distancing, but it seems like their friends have all been spending time together. Understandably, my kids are jealous and angry at their father and me for putting restrictions on them. But I am worried about their lack of social interaction and how it may affect their future. One of them has a harder time making friends and doesn't have many things in common with their peers, which led to spending more time at home when there was no pandemic. -- WORRIED MOM IN NEW YORK

DEAR WORRIED: Until the threat of COVID has been resolved, it's up to you as parents to decide how you restrict your children in relation to the pandemic. Of course you want to protect them, even if your choices aren't popular. Kids can be careless. They can forget to pull their masks up and stay socially distanced, and the results can be tragic. But there are relatively safe outdoor activities parents can plan to keep their children from being completely isolated.

As to your child who is less socially adept, this is a subject to discuss with his/her teachers or a child psychologist. Perhaps you can help by researching online interest groups this child can join that will connect them with other children -- under your supervision, of course.

Family & ParentingCOVID-19Friends & Neighbors

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