life

New Mom Not in the Mood for Husband's Entreaties

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 3rd, 2021 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am a first-time mommy of a beautiful 2 1/2-month-old little boy. I should also mention that I'm 40 years old. My husband is constantly asking for sex. I mean, every day. I honestly do not feel like having it. I'm so worn out by the day-to-day chores of being a wife and motherhood that when the baby goes to sleep, I go to sleep immediately.

My husband refuses to understand how exhausted I am, and his constantly asking for sex makes me want it even less. I try to reassure him that it's not him, because he thinks he has done something wrong or that I'm not attracted to him anymore. But he also doesn't help me out much around here. So, basically, I'm asking what can I do? -- TOUCHY SUBJECT IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR TOUCHY: You and your husband are overdue for a frank talk. Sit him down and explain exactly what you need from him. Tell him you need his help so the entire burden of taking care of his home and his baby isn't entirely on your shoulders. After you have finished doing that, point out that if he contributes to the household tasks and baby duties, it will take the pressure off you and make it more likely that you can relax and get in the mood for something more pleasant.

Family & ParentingSexMarriage & Divorce
life

Son in Abusive Marriage Won't Leave His Kids

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 3rd, 2021 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My son is in an abusive marriage. He is verbally, mentally and emotionally abused by his wife constantly. She does everything she can to force him to leave. She tells him it is her house and she wants him to go. They bought the house together, and they both work and pay the bills. He won't leave because he doesn't want to leave his kids. Is there any kind of support for abused men? -- CONCERNED DAD IN N. CAROLINA

DEAR DAD: There certainly is, and I hope you will tell your son to reach out for it. No one should be harassed the way your son is being, because the effects can be not only devastating, but also long-lasting. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org; 1-800-799-7233) and Stop Abuse for Everyone (stopabuseforeveryone.org) serve male victims of abuse as well as female. Urge him to contact one or both of them.

AbuseMarriage & DivorceFamily & Parenting
life

Family Gives Birthday Parties for Deceased Relatives

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 3rd, 2021 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have married into a family that celebrates birthdays of members who have died. They are not observing the passing, but doing full-fledged birthday events. This is a practice I have never before experienced, and most of these people I have never met. I don't want to be disrespectful, but it seems really odd, especially since many of those people died years ago. It's becoming difficult to do more than express my sympathy for their loss. Is this done by other families? -- BEWILDERED IN FLORIDA

DEAR BEWILDERED: If there is anything I have learned in the course of writing this column, as well as my own journey through life, it is that individuals, families and cultures do not have identical ways of grieving or honoring their deceased loved ones. While it may seem unusual to you, this is the way they remember their loved ones.

Because this is your spouse's family, talk with him about how to navigate this issue without causing hurt feelings. If you are uncomfortable participating in these celebrations, continue to be respectful, but attend fewer of them.

Holidays & CelebrationsDeathFamily & Parenting
life

Assistant Works Their Way Up Only To Be Sidelined by Boss

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 2nd, 2021 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: When my boss hired me as an assistant four years ago, she specifically told me my job was to do whatever the person above me wants. I wasn't allowed to communicate with anyone on the job other than the lady above me. Even though it was tough to watch my supervisor make so many bad decisions and get away with it, I did what was required of me.

Now I have worked my way up and have an assistant of my own. However, my boss has given my assistant much more than she ever gave me when I was in that position. Sometimes I feel like she acts like I'm not valued. I want to point it out, but I don't want to be that kind of person. I love what I do, but I don't know how much longer I can handle being treated this way.

Should I tell her how I feel? She constantly leaves me out of important decisions and then tries to play mind games to make up for it. She is also giving my assistant important information before telling me. I don't know what I should do. -- FRUSTRATED IN OREGON

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Many companies have annual reviews for employees in which subjects like the ones you have raised are discussed. If this isn't the case in your firm, ask for one.

During that conversation, tell your boss that sometimes you feel your efforts aren't valued and why. Remind her that you were instructed not to talk with anyone on the job other than the person immediately above you, and you feel undercut because your assistant is being given important information before it is shared with you. It may clear the air. However, if it doesn't, by all means start searching for another job, since you seem to be considering it anyway.

Work & School
life

Pandemic Isolation Is Challenge to Kids' Social Skills

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 2nd, 2021 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am worried about my kids and their social well-being. I understand we are in a pandemic. Our family has been responsible and socially distancing, but it seems like their friends have all been spending time together. Understandably, my kids are jealous and angry at their father and me for putting restrictions on them. But I am worried about their lack of social interaction and how it may affect their future. One of them has a harder time making friends and doesn't have many things in common with their peers, which led to spending more time at home when there was no pandemic. -- WORRIED MOM IN NEW YORK

DEAR WORRIED: Until the threat of COVID has been resolved, it's up to you as parents to decide how you restrict your children in relation to the pandemic. Of course you want to protect them, even if your choices aren't popular. Kids can be careless. They can forget to pull their masks up and stay socially distanced, and the results can be tragic. But there are relatively safe outdoor activities parents can plan to keep their children from being completely isolated.

As to your child who is less socially adept, this is a subject to discuss with his/her teachers or a child psychologist. Perhaps you can help by researching online interest groups this child can join that will connect them with other children -- under your supervision, of course.

Friends & NeighborsCOVID-19Family & Parenting
life

Couple Feels Cast Adrift After Friend's Diagnosis

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 1st, 2021 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have dear friends, one of whom has been diagnosed with untreatable cancer. The doctors told him to go home and maximize his quality of life. The first step he took was to completely cut us out.

We had been friends for years. They watched the big football games with us at our house. When he was diagnosed, I was the first person outside of his family he called. They stood up with us when we renewed our vows. I have cut cords of firewood for them. We traveled together.

Recently, the wife posted on Facebook that when undergoing trials you find out who your friends really are. We have been tossed aside like worn-out shoes.

My question is, when he passes, if we learn about it, would it be appropriate to attend the funeral to say goodbye to this man we dearly love and offer our condolences to the widow? -- ALREADY BEREAVED IN KANSAS

DEAR ALREADY BEREAVED: Everyone reacts differently after receiving a diagnosis like the one your friend received. Some people reach out for support, but a sizable number do the opposite. They "circle the wagons," which may be what this man has done.

It would be interesting to know if his wife was aware of the message you were given, because from what she posted, she may not have been. I think it is time to reach out to her privately and ask her how you can be supportive -- if only to her. And yes, when he passes you should pay your respects and offer condolences. Funerals are for the living.

DeathFriends & Neighbors
life

Man's Self-Esteem Suffers After Girlfriend's Death

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 1st, 2021 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: For the past few months I've been seeing a gentleman in his late 50s who lost his last girlfriend, "Vera," in a tragic accident. Her death was less than a year ago and he is still grieving, which I respect and am not uncomfortable with. My beau has low self-esteem. He thinks the relationship he had with Vera made him a better person, and that without her he will be less so.

I understand his sorrow and that he needs more time to sort through his feelings but, if things work out with us, and we continue to see each other, I want to know how I can also make him feel like I'm helping him be a better person. He says it was "just the relationship they had" and that he doesn't know how to put it into words.

I don't want to replace Vera or copy her, but I do wish I could understand what she did to help him believe positive things about himself. -- NEW GIRLFRIEND IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR GIRLFRIEND: In order to understand that, it would be helpful to see if he can explain the reason for his low self-esteem. Was it hypercritical parents? Difficulty fitting in with peers that started when he was in school? Not receiving enough positive feedback in his youth?

Once you gain more insight, you may be able to find the answers you are looking for. Both partners in a relationship should use whatever attributes they have to make each other feel positive. However, please recognize it should not be your responsibility to prop him up on a continuing basis.

Self-WorthDeathLove & Dating

Subscribe

Receive Dear Abby Free Every Day


Next up: More trusted advice from...

  • Toy Around
  • A Clean Getaway
  • Patio Appeal
  • Woman Fails to Act Her Age According to Son and DIL
  • Brothers’ Rivalry Continues Into Adulthood
  • Husband Plans to Strike It Rich on YouTube
  • Lukewarm Water
  • Happy Place
  • Taking Pictures
UExpressLifeParentingHomePetsHealthAstrologyOdditiesA-Z
AboutContactSubmissionsTerms of ServicePrivacy Policy
©2023 Andrews McMeel Universal