life

Dancer Pines for Partner Who's Devoted to Another

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 29th, 2021 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am a middle-aged divorcee. I recently took up ballroom dancing, which has been a long-held dream, and I'm enjoying my life. However, there are few single men my age around. Most of the available men are 20 years older or 20 years younger.

From Day One, I have had a crush on one of the few men my age in the dance group. We eventually became best friends, spending all our free time together. I soon learned that he is married, but separated and looking to divorce. However, he has a crush of his own, and he talks to me about her constantly. We have so much in common, but he only has eyes for her.

I realize it isn't healthy for me to pine away for someone who doesn't think of me the way I think of him. Yet walking away would mean losing my dance partner and best friend and going back to sitting out dances, watching from the sidelines, or worse, sitting alone at home.

Do I maintain the status quo and suffer in silence over his rejection? Or would it be healthier to move on, upend my life and isolate myself from him when I have no other circle of friends to support me? -- DANCING AWAY IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR DANCING: Because of the pandemic, leave things as they are -- for now. However, as soon as it's feasible, find another dance group -- or two -- to join. If you do, you will establish other relationships with both women and men, and have a better chance of finding what you're looking for.

AgingLove & DatingCOVID-19
life

Dad Deals With Mom's Neglect of Son

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 29th, 2021 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My ex-wife, my son's mother, moved out a few years back and settled about six hours from us. We did halfway trips in the beginning so they could maintain a relationship, and I have even driven the whole way a few times to help with that.

Over the last two years, her interest has diminished, and they haven't seen each other at all. I've offered the halfway trip, even offered my couch if she came the entire way, especially around holidays. She hasn't taken me up on it.

Our son is now entering his teens, and I bought him a cellphone. She has his number, but doesn't call or text. She even missed his birthday. My problem is, he has started to recognize her lack of interest, and I can tell it hurts. I thought about changing his number and cutting her off altogether, like yanking off a bandage, but I don't know what's best. Please advise. -- SANE DAD IN MARYLAND

DEAR DAD: You are a loving and constant father. As you have realized, now that your son is getting older, he is becoming increasingly aware of his mother's emotional neglect.

I do not think you should change his number and cut her off from him. She's doing a good job of doing that herself. I do think it's important your son knows he can talk to you about anything and get honest answers. Something is clearly wrong with his mother. He should not go through life thinking her behavior was caused by anything lacking in himself, so if and when the subject comes up, answer his questions as kindly as you can.

TeensFamily & ParentingMarriage & Divorce
life

Man Who Won't Fight Fair Turns Arguments Into Battles

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 28th, 2021 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am in a nearly two-year relationship with a man I love. In so many ways, this is the relationship I've always hoped for and, being in my early 30s, I'm feeling ready to settle down. The problem? He doesn't fight fair.

I have put an exorbitant amount of effort into remaining calm and loving during arguments to prevent our relationship from deteriorating, but he seems incapable of meeting me halfway. His unfair fighting comes in the form of aggressive tones, obscene faces, looking at his phone while I'm talking and sometimes ignoring me entirely.

These arguments are usually over minor issues that are nowhere near warranting a full-blown fight (for example, dishes not being done when he came home from work because I work from home and put it off to do during nonwork hours).

Our relationship is otherwise great, but if I'm going to commit to someone for life, I want them to be capable of having calm and healthy conversations. He thinks I'm controlling when I ask him not to use aggressive tones or make faces. What do I do? -- FIGHTING FAIR IN OREGON

DEAR FIGHTING: I will assume that the man you are in love with is around the same age as you. By the time someone reaches their 30s, their personalities are usually set. This man behaves the way he does because it works for him. It enables him to control you.

If he values your relationship, he should be willing to discuss this in couples counseling so these conversations are constructive rather than adversarial. If he isn't, however, keep looking for a more suitable mate because this Mister ain't Wonderful.

Love & Dating
life

Loss of Family Photos Is Warning for Others

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 28th, 2021 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I'd like to alert your readers to something that happened to me so it may keep it from happening to them. In her later years, my dear mother was afflicted with dementia. When it became clear she could no longer live alone, I went to live with her.

One day, I went looking for the albums of photos from when my brothers and I were kids, family vacations, etc. After searching high and low and not finding them, I asked Mom what had happened to them. Turns out, she threw them out because she didn't remember any of the people in the pictures! To say I was devastated would be an understatement.

I couldn't be angry with Mom. It wasn't her fault. But Abby, your readers need to know that it can happen to them. My mother has been gone for 10 years, and I still wish I had those photos. -- MISSING MEMORIES IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR MISSING: I'm glad you wrote. Your letter is a reminder that when family members begin to age, it's important to make the time to sit down with them and go through family pictures. My own dear mother urged her readers to not only review those photos, but also to write on the backs the date they were taken and the names of who is in them. This is a precious gift because memories do start to fade. It can stimulate wonderful conversations if people are willing to make the effort.

Family & ParentingAgingDeath
life

Drunken Flirting Puts Close Friend at Greater Distance

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 27th, 2021 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been close friends with a woman named "Louise" for five years. Recently, we were all hanging out, and Louise got very drunk and tried to massage lotion into my husband's hands. She also hugged him and wouldn't let go, although he put his hands at his side and his whole body stiffened.

My husband has expressed to me that these situations made him very uncomfortable, and they do the same to me. We talked about letting Louise know, but he felt it would only make her feel awkward around us.

It has been a month, and I can't seem to let it go. I don't want to text her, and I'm finding excuses to avoid her. Should I continue trying to let this go or is a conversation in order? -- TAKEN ABACK IN NEW YORK

DEAR TAKEN ABACK: If you "let it go," it will probably happen again and the friendship will be over. A conversation with Louise is overdue. She needs to know she must be more careful about her drinking, because the last time she became very drunk, she embarrassed not only your husband, but also you.

Friends & Neighbors
life

Aunt Second-Guesses Support She Gives Niece

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 27th, 2021 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am childless, but I have a niece I've given lots of money to over the years. She's in her mid-40s with a young child and a husband who has a low-paying job.

Although she has several degrees, she has worked mostly as a waitress. They live in a tiny apartment and during these rough times, I have been paying their rent. She rarely acknowledges it. I have never discussed it with her parents, and I have no idea how much they have (or have not) helped her.

I'm conflicted about helping her/them because this is such a tough time. I can't see how they're going to make their lives better without help. I'm wondering if you have some advice on how I can best assist them or if I should stop. -- LOSING FAITH IN COLORADO

DEAR LOSING FAITH: You haven't spoken to your niece's parents about what you have been doing. Why not? If you do, it may give you a clearer picture of her situation. I wish you had been more forthcoming about why she isn't using any of the college degrees she has earned. If her parents are helping her, you may need to be doing less.

Your niece should research to find out whether government assistance is available. If it isn't, and you can afford it, consider continuing the financial assistance until the COVID situation is under control. Then your niece and her husband can get back on their feet, and you can stop being treated like an ATM.

Family & ParentingMoneyCOVID-19
life

Bestie With Benefits Raises Questions for Woman's Dates

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 27th, 2021 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have a male best friend I adore. When I tell other men about my bestie, they feel intimidated because he has a key to my apartment. We are not dating; we just have sex sometimes, and everyone that I try to be with knows about him. Must I give up on my bestie to be with the man I love even though Bestie and I promised each other that we will never break our bond for anyone? -- COMPLICATED IN TENNESSEE

DEAR COMPLICATED: If you hadn't been having sex sometimes with your bestie, the "man you love" might have been able to accept him. The answer to your question is yes, you will have to make a choice. Now, the question I have for you is, which man do you think is the keeper?

Love & DatingFriends & NeighborsSex

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