life

Friendship Is a Casualty of Birthday Party Quarrel

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 27th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My best friend of nine years, "Sierra," and my boyfriend of two years, "Jaden," strongly dislike each other. They were both at a cookout I had for my birthday, and Sierra kept making passive-aggressive comments to and about him.

At one point, she criticized something controversial that he said, and when he tried to engage her in conversation about it, she ignored him and pretended he didn't exist. Jaden then launched into a series of verbal attacks against her, and although I attempted to get him to drop it, I was unsuccessful.

Sierra ended up leaving, telling me she needed to take a break from our friendship. She has since unfollowed me on social media, leaving me with the impression that our friendship is over because of the argument between her and my boyfriend.

I know Jaden was more at fault, and we have discussed the situation at length, but Sierra isn't willing to talk to me about it. They've never had an interaction like this, ever. She's never liked him, and I know she will never move past this. If Jaden and I were to break up, I don't know if I could bring myself to resolve things with Sierra because I feel like she was unwilling to preserve our friendship. Should I accept her reaction and behavior and move past this? -- BETRAYED AND CONFUSED

DEAR BETRAYED: You have no choice but to accept Sierra's reaction. Not knowing what Jaden said that was controversial, I can't offer an opinion about what generated the argument. If she preferred not to engage with him further, it was her privilege. For Jaden to have pursued and verbally attacked your friend was abusive, and she did the right thing by leaving.

Sierra appears to have a strong sense of self-esteem, and I doubt there is anything you could say to her to convince her to subject herself to Jaden's presence again. She's intelligent enough to know that until your romance with him has run its course, remaining out of the line of fire is the best course of action. If Jaden becomes history, give her a call. I'm pretty sure you two can clear the air then.

Love & DatingFriends & Neighbors
life

Dear Abby for December 27, 2020

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 27th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: How do I confront my daughter, who I am certain "kept" my wedding ring, which I had removed to care for my dying husband? This daughter has a history of "borrowing" siblings' jewelry, then returning it in secrecy.

I have other reasons to believe she has taken the ring, but knowing this daughter, she'll shut down our relationship if I ask. I was thinking of saying something like, "When I was at your house, could I have left it there?" She knows I am looking for it. I suspect she thought the ring was her father's as it is a wide gold band. Advice? -- KEEPING THE PEACE?

DEAR KEEPING THE PEACE?: I hope you get that precious memento back. IF this daughter took the ring, you have more problems than losing a material object. She is a thief who is not above taking from those close to her.

By all means ask if your wedding band might have been inadvertently left at her house ("overlooking" that if it was, she should have informed you immediately). You have nothing to lose by doing so. Whether you get it back or not, before letting your daughter into your home in the future, be prudent and make sure any valuables are under lock and key.

DeathFamily & Parenting
life

Husband Emails Girlfriends He Had During 10-Year Separation

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 26th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were married for several years, divorced, then remarried 10 years later. During our separation, he had a lot of girlfriends. To this day, he keeps all their contact information. I discovered he has emailed some of them since we've been back together. I think he uses email to avoid any phone calls that I would be aware of.

Our marriage is overall going well, but I don't understand his need to keep up with some of these past "friends." When we remarried, I deleted all of my past contacts. I'm worried that he's still attached to at least a few of these women, and I don't think it's right. What do you think? It makes me very insecure and upset. What should I do? I'm already in therapy. -- UNEASY IN THE SOUTH

DEAR UNEASY: Marriage is a choice. Your husband chose to remarry you. I am going to assume that because of your insecurity, you have been hesitant to ask him directly why he feels a need to stay in touch with these women. Your therapist may be able to help you with this. If he/she is willing to invite him to accompany you for a session, consider posing the question there.

Marriage & Divorce
life

Dear Abby for December 26, 2020

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 26th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I recently contracted coronavirus and had a difficult time recovering. It has been three months, and I am still suffering from long-term aftereffects.

When my co-workers and supervisors ask how I'm feeling and I tell them, they almost immediately downplay my response. Some of them ignore my response and tell me, "Oh, that's not bad. One time, I lost so much hair, blah, blah," or they say, "Well, you're working. You'll be fine." I feel like it belittles me and makes what I went through seem like a bid for sympathy. How would you recommend I reply? I can't ignore the people at work. -- DOWNPLAYED UP NORTH

DEAR DOWNPLAYED: All you need to say is, "If it happens to you, you will understand that I feel lucky to be alive. So many people weren't."

Work & SchoolHealth & SafetyCOVID-19
life

Dear Abby for December 26, 2020

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 26th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have a question about etiquette. My son is getting married soon. In a conversation with the bride-to-be, I asked if she had chosen a florist and was told that her mom will be making all the wedding flowers out of natural materials. Abby, I hate silk, i.e. "plastic" flowers! Would I be creating a huge problem if I offered to purchase my own wrist corsage from a florist, or should I keep quiet and deal with ugly fake "flowers" with my beautiful dress? Or, can I remove the fake corsage directly after photos are taken? -- OFFENDED MOM OF THE GROOM

DEAR OFFENDED MOM: The proper thing to do is keep your opinion to yourself and go along with the plans your soon-to-be daughter-in-law and her mother have made. Wear the corsage and your sweetest smile for the wedding photos. After that it shouldn't cause a problem if you quietly remove it.

Family & ParentingHolidays & CelebrationsEtiquette & Ethics
life

Fiancee Loses Sleep Over Widower's Many Mementos

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 25th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: In three months, I will be marrying a wonderful man I'll call Harold. We are in our 60s and widowed, me for more than 30 years and him just under two years.

At first, I thought he had worked through his grief because his wife suffered from early-onset Alzheimer's and the last six years of their marriage she was very ill. We are not living in the home they shared, but a lot of their life together is in the home we are trying to create together.

Harold is a good man. I know he has a big heart with plenty of room for me as well as love for his late wife. My dilemma is the amount of memorabilia he has here -- pictures of vacations they took together, their unusual wedding cake, a piece of furniture she made for them and a painting of the home they shared. Many of the items are in a downstairs office, where he spends a lot of time.

The closer we get to our wedding, the more I find myself losing sleep worrying over whether the strong reminders of his former life are an indicator of whether he truly is ready to move on. Am I being overly sensitive? I do understand loss and working through grief. In no way do I want to pressure him if he isn't ready to move forward. I am just conflicted. -- LOSING SLEEP IN NEW YORK

DEAR LOSING SLEEP: Harold's loss is much more recent than yours. With time, he may decide to retire some of his memorabilia. Keep in mind, your "rival" is no longer on this side of the sod, and letting it keep you up at night is unproductive. If this doesn't resolve itself, have a frank conversation with Harold about the fact you are not comfortable with the amount of memorabilia in the house.

AgingDeathMarriage & Divorce
life

Dear Abby for December 25, 2020

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 25th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful, low-key, easygoing man for two years. "Stan" is crazy about me. To him, I'm a princess, and he treats me like gold. The downside is he lives an hour and 20 minutes away because he got laid off and had to move back home. We used to live near each other, which was great. He is now taking care of his parents, who are 81 and 84.

The long-distance relationship is making me very stressed because I see him only twice a month on weekends. Because his mom is so sick, I'm starting to see him even less often. He plans to stay with them to the end and promises we will be together one day. I rarely go to his parents' house because his mom can no longer enjoy company.

Abby, is this all worth it? He keeps telling me he loves me and says he will propose down the road. I'm 58. Should I keep this sweet, loving, long-distance romance or move on, which would devastate him? -- MISSING HIM IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR MISSING HIM: Although you wrote that you miss Stan, I am struck by the fact that nowhere in your letter did you say you actually love him. Would ending the relationship also devastate you? Have you considered relocating to be closer to him? Many couples survive being separated for long periods of time, but if you can't sustain it, then perhaps you should move on, knowing that men like him are not easily replaced.

Work & SchoolAgingFamily & ParentingLove & Dating
life

Dear Abby for December 25, 2020

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 25th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

TO MY READERS: I wish you all a Christmas that is joyous and meaningful. Merry Christmas, everyone! -- LOVE, ABBY

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