DEAR ABBY: A friend of mine has recently discovered that her husband of 40-plus years has been hiding a decades-long porn addiction. The discovery has caused a problem in their marriage. They have had counseling.

He says he wants to save their marriage and has vowed to give up the porn. I was told he told his wife that if she decides to divorce him, he will tell the entire family and their children that SHE was the one addicted to porn, and it is the reason he's divorcing her. My question is, what kind of person would treat his wife this way and think this is an appropriate way to save the marriage? -- TWISTED IN KENTUCKY

DEAR TWISTED: Unfortunately, the husband has a problem greater than his porn addiction. It's his lack of character and honesty. His threat is not only inappropriate, but also a valid reason to end the marriage.

P.S. I can't imagine why her family would buy that lie.

DEAR ABBY: In 1972, when I was 12, my father died by suicide. I was told it was an accident. I was given an explanation, but the facts didn't add up. I suspected it was suicide. In 1998, my brother also died by suicide. Afterward, I asked Mom if Dad had done it, too. She denied it, but I knew better.

Around the time of my brother's death, I lost my best friend/co-worker/father figure of 17 years to suicide. His son was told his dad had had a heart attack. He is now a father in his 40s, and I think he deserves to know. Should I remain silent as I have for more than 20 years? -- IN A MORAL DILEMMA

DEAR DILEMMA: Years ago, when a family member died by suicide, it was considered shameful and kept a family secret. Because depression can run in families, these kinds of secrets can be harmful. Today we know more, and there are programs available to help families who have suffered this kind of tragic loss. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (800-273-8255) offers support to surviving family members.

I do think you should talk to your friend's son. Introduce the topic by telling him what happened in your family, how much his father meant to you and your concern for him and his own family, which is why you are bringing it up now.

DEAR ABBY: It's not the first time, but certainly will be the last time I'm invited to a close friend's house without my baby girl, my 12-year-old retired therapy dog, "Lady." Everyone loves Lady. So does my friend. (I even have her portrait tattooed on my leg.) Is it rude to not want to visit my friend because Lady is not welcome? -- LOVES MY LADY

DEAR LOVES: It's not rude. It is a choice. What I DO think is rude is attempting to blackmail someone into allowing a loved, but unwanted, pet into their home knowing it isn't welcome. If Lady were still a therapy dog, I might feel differently, but Lady is now retired, and her presence is no longer a medical necessity.

DEAR ABBY: I raised my kids right as a single mom. I took pride in supporting them and giving them what they needed and wanted.

I have a daughter who lives out of town with her husband and children. I don't get to see them often, so I love buying them gifts that are waiting for them when they get here. For the kids' birthdays and holidays, I always have nice gifts for them, too.

For the past few years, my daughter has refused to take any of the gifts home with her, so the toys sit in my spare rooms. She smirks and laughs when someone says something about leaving behind the gifts I buy. She and her husband stay at my house when they visit, so the kids play with their toys then.

I'm hurt by her lack of appreciation and have decided to stop buying anything for the kids on holidays or birthdays. I don't enjoy giving monetary gifts. I want to see the kids' faces when they open a present and play with it. Would it be wrong for me to just stop buying gifts? -- GENEROUS GRANNY IN OHIO

DEAR GENEROUS GRANNY: This is something you should discuss with your daughter. Could it be that your grandchildren have so many toys at home that there isn't room for more?

I'm not sure why your daughter would "smirk and laugh" when "someone" mentions the gifts left behind when your family leaves. That kind of behavior is rude. But I don't think children should be punished for something their parent does. To deny them gifts on birthdays and Christmas because of it would be petulant and a mistake.

DEAR ABBY: My mother is close to death. I haven't had contact with her in 30 years. While we were growing up and even into adulthood, she was incredibly abusive, neglectful and manipulative. She didn't provide the basic needs of food and clothing for us. She prioritized her boyfriend over us kids and engaged in crazy behavior. She would chase us with knives, walk around naked and expect us to accompany her to throw garbage on her boyfriend's car.

I'm not a bad person. I don't wish any harm on her, but she's not part of my life for a reason. As she approaches death, how do I deal with this? No one should die alone. None of my siblings want anything to do with her, either. What do I even say? -- POST-TRAUMATIC IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR POST-TRAUMATIC: What do you even say ... to whom? To the person who informed you that your mother has little time left? To your mother if you choose to be with her? Are you sure your mother wants you there?

Because you asked for my advice, I am suggesting that you may have fewer regrets -- and less anger, righteous as it may be -- if you are with her at the end. You don't have to say anything more than, "Mom, I'm here for you," if you don't wish to. From your description of her, your mother may have had serious emotional problems for much of her life. Please allow me to offer my sympathy.

DEAR ABBY: I've known my friend "Ashley" for a lot of years. She is single. Several years ago, I introduced her to another couple, the "Smiths." We all have a lot in common and take turns inviting each other for dinner. This group and a couple of other couples are the only people in my social circle I have seen periodically during this pandemic.

Two weeks ago, Ashley invited my husband and me and the Smiths for dinner. Three days before the dinner, Ashley sent me a text that the Smiths will be bringing another couple, and she wanted to be sure it was OK with us. I called her immediately and told her that with the spike in COVID cases, I wasn't comfortable having a close dinner with a couple who wasn't in my social circle. She said she was "sorry," meaning if I didn't like it, my husband and I could stay home.

I'm extremely hurt and angry and am losing sleep over this. I feel Ashley should have asked us before adding this other couple to our dinner. I feel like sending her a letter saying that no friend should treat another friend like this, that I guess she's not really a friend and end the relationship. My husband is stopping me from sending such a letter. Am I overreacting? -- ANGRY IN OREGON

DEAR ANGRY: Yes, you are. You have blown this out of proportion. Be glad you have a husband who advised you as he did. Ashley did the right thing by telling you the guest list for the dinner had grown so you could opt out if you wished. Because she was the host, she was not obligated to ask permission to include the extras.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a truck driver who is on the road for weeks at a time. My girlfriend got a new job and is working every day. On the weekends she goes out to bars.

I feel jealous because I'm working and even when I can get a weekend to be with her, she doesn't want to be intimate. Also she promises to call me but rarely does. Should I just end it? I've been married twice and thought we would be a couple and marry. I don't know what I should do. -- ON THE ROAD

DEAR ON THE ROAD: Allow me to steer you in the right direction. You are apart from this woman weeks at a time, and when you do manage to be together, she isn't interested in intimacy. After promising to stay in closer touch with you, she fails to follow through. This should tell you that when you're out of sight, you're not on her mind.

Take the hint. End the "romance" -- what little there is of it. Then thank your lucky stars she isn't your wife, and you're not heading to divorce court for a third time.

DEAR ABBY: I am a stepgrandma whose 4-year-old grandson desperately needs a haircut. Is it OK for Santa to get him a gift card for a haircut? -- CLEAN CUT IN FLORIDA

DEAR CLEAN CUT: The child's parents may like their son's hair the way it is. If the reason they are leaving it long is financial, a gift card might be appreciated. However, if that's not the case, your gesture would be interpreted as judgmental, and it would not be appreciated.