life

Restaurant-Goer Sounds Off About FaceTiming Customers

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 15th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Last weekend, my companion and I went to one of our favorite restaurants for an intimate dinner. Per social distancing regulations, a mid-70s couple was seated approximately 15 to 18 feet away. Halfway through our meal, they began FaceTiming with their great-grandchildren and family.

Their conversation continued for more than 10 minutes, with exchanges about what presents "Jack" had received for his birthday and what the mother was fixing for dinner. To say that our dinner was rudely interrupted by their overly loud and personal FaceTime discussions would be an understatement.

I kept thinking that, surely, when they told their family members that they were having dinner at a restaurant, the conversation would have been politely discontinued by one of them. I didn't even feel like staying for the usual coffee and dessert and, on my way out of the restaurant, I stopped by their table to gently but firmly say I thought they had been extremely rude. The man stood up and accused me of being the one who was being rude. He went so far as to run after our car yelling as we pulled out of the parking lot.

I don't even carry a cellphone with me when in a restaurant, beauty salon or other public place as I feel everyone deserves privacy on either side of the conversation. Is it wrong to politely make people aware of their inconsiderate actions when it affects others? -- ANNOYED IN FLORIDA

DEAR ANNOYED: It would have been perfectly acceptable to make your thoughts known to the manager of the restaurant, while pointing out that the carryings on at the nearby table was the reason you didn't stay for dessert and coffee. Frankly, you were lucky the man who ran after your car didn't go further than he did.

Etiquette & EthicsAgingCOVID-19
life

Mom Steps in When Father-and-Son Arguments Escalate

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 15th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Am I wrong? Our special-needs son and his dad (my husband, "Nick") often get into nasty arguments. Usually, it's over nothing worth yelling about, but if it's not going Nick's way, Nick starts yelling and swearing, using ugly words.

As a mother, I step in and tell him to stop the yelling and swearing. Then he yells at me and tells me to "butt out" because I'm making it worse and to mind my own business. As a mother, isn't this what I am supposed to do? Our son is 46, but he has the mental capacity of an 8- to 10-year-old, plus other health problems. -- CONCERNED MOM

DEAR CONCERNED: I don't think you are wrong for trying to intercede. However, it might be more effective to point out to your husband, while you are both calm, that an adult sinking to the level of an 8- to 10-year-old is ridiculous and ineffective. I wish you had mentioned what kind of things your husband and son argue about, but since you didn't, allow me to point out that there are better ways to deal with conflict than screaming matches.

Family & Parenting
life

Relatives Pressed Into Manual Labor by Aunt Who Lives Alone

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 14th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Ten months ago, my aunt's 66-year-old live-in boyfriend died unexpectedly. She has no children and is left with a four-bedroom, two-bathroom house to take care of by herself. She has always been in debt (I think), and his final expenses only made it worse.

Since his death, she has expected my family (mostly me) to complete a list of chores every time I visit. I have been asked to hook up her garden hose, plant grass, exterminate bees, replant flowers, vacuum -- even move her boyfriend's ashes from the original bag to a more permanent urn. So far, I have managed to avoid taking care of her pool and cutting her grass, but it's only a matter of time before the neighbors stop doing it for her.

I love my aunt, and she has done a lot for me over the years. I realize she has no kids to take care of her, but I don't think I should be expected to be her lackey for the next 30 years. How do I tell her I can't be responsible for taking care of her house without getting her upset or angry? Is it my place to say something to her mother and siblings? She has been very emotional since the death, and we've all been walking on eggshells, but she won't go to therapy. -- OVERWHELMED NEPHEW

DEAR NEPHEW: Your aunt may not need a therapist as much as she needs a grief support group to help her work through her loss. Her mood swings, which I am sure surge and wane from day to day, are magnified by her money problems. Because the house and yard are now too much for her to handle alone, it might make sense for her to downsize and put the money she gets from selling the place to work for her. Of course, she should run the idea by her attorney or accountant before making any decisions, but it might be the solution -- not only to her problem, but also to yours.

Family & ParentingDeathMoneyAging
life

Pandemic Delays Couple's Welcome in New Neighborhood

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 14th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I bought a house and moved in literally the day COVID was announced as a national emergency. I had planned to go around to our new neighbors and introduce ourselves, perhaps with a small gift (I'm a professional baker). That obviously hasn't been possible. We've had some over-the-fence interactions with a couple of neighbors, but I feel bad I haven't reached out to the others.

My husband and I are private, introverted people, but I still want to make ourselves known as approachable. Is it too late? What's the protocol on introducing yourselves to neighbors? Given that everything is in flux and we still don't know if it's safe, I don't want to let that become an excuse to put it off indefinitely. -- NEIGHBORLY IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR NEIGHBORLY: It is not too late. A charming way to introduce yourselves would be to deliver -- or have delivered -- a small plant to each of your neighbors, with a short note explaining that you are new to the community, you are a professional baker and you regret that the quarantine makes it impossible to reach out in a more personal way. Be sure to include your address and phone number.

Friends & NeighborsCOVID-19
life

A Masked-Up Society Presents Challenges to Deaf Citizens

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 13th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: As we return to work, businesses and expanded health care are opening up after the pandemic shutdown. We all are pretty much required to wear masks anywhere we go these days.

I am a deaf person and rely on lip-reading for communication. Wearing a mask has shut out my contact with the hearing world as far as communication goes. I have been mistreated in more ways than one because masks do not allow me to lip read. When I'm not able to have a sign language interpreter with me, I bring a pen and pad everywhere I go to converse as best as I can.

I am a very patient person; however, people in the public sector are not being patient nor compassionate in helping us deaf individuals. Please understand, we are trying to communicate as best as we can. We simply ask the community to be patient and either lower your mask to respond, or write your response. Yelling through the mask is pointless. -- DEAF IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR DEAF: I can only imagine how frustrating and isolating this has been for you and other deaf people. Reusable transparent masks and masks with clear plastic inserts (windows) are available on the internet. (NPR has posted a YouTube video demonstration.) I would urge anyone who has contact with deaf individuals to go online and check this out. Some are marked, "Hearing Impaired." I have considered buying some, if only so friends and family can see me in my entirety and know without question when I'm being facetious.

COVID-19Health & SafetyEtiquette & Ethics
life

Grandma Babysitting for Son Gets Stiffed

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 13th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I babysit my 1-year-old grandson 40 hours a week while my son and daughter-in-law work nights. They were paying me $80 a week, then suddenly stopped. My son said they might not pay me all the time because they often forget to "debit over" at the store to get the money for me.

I watched the baby for seven hours on Sunday, too, while my son enjoyed a day off. When I asked him if he remembered to debit over, he replied, "Debit over for what?" I said, "For my services." He said, "Services for what?" I said, "Babysitting," and he replied that his wife should have paid me, but she didn't. -- FORGOTTEN IN FLORIDA

DEAR FORGOTTEN: I'm sorry to say this, but your son is a deadbeat who should be ashamed of himself. He could pay you by check or an electronic transfer if he doesn't have the cash on hand. If you need money, find a client who will honor the deal, which will let your son and his wife learn how expensive replacing you will be. (If you decide to let them rehire you, make sure you get the money upfront.)

Family & ParentingMoney
life

Friend Can't Encourage Wannabe Singer With No Talent

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 13th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I want to be a good friend, but I'm at my wits' end. A friend has decided he is going to be a singer-songwriter, and he's terrible. He keeps sending me videos, invitations to watch him perform online concerts, etc. I have tried offering constructive criticism, which he deflects. Now he has recorded a CD, which he wants to send me at his expense. I do not want him to waste his money, and I don't care to waste my time listening to it. Is there a gracious way out of this situation? -- NOT INTERESTED IN THE WEST

DEAR NOT INTERESTED: Yes. Accept the disc, which he is sending at his expense. And when he asks you for a compliment, give him one. In other words, be a friend, not a music critic.

Friends & Neighbors

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