DEAR ABBY: We are approaching the time of year when many people struggle with how to divide time between families during the holidays. This is often made harder when there has been divorce and remarriage within a family, especially when children are involved. This was the case in our family.

Planning dinners and celebrations became far easier once I realized that holidays are not just arbitrary dates on a calendar, but a spirit of heart and mind. I let everyone else plan their events, and then choose a day that as many people as possible are available. I host an event on that day -- a week earlier, a week (or month) later -- it doesn't matter. What does matter is that we gather in love and friendship and have a wonderful time.

As a result, even my former daughters-in-law readily join in with their new spouses and children and we have a ball! We get to blend together four generations, and our youngest generation is richer for the experience. We joke about having "in-law" and "out-law" tables.

I'll be honest, it took work. The adults had to agree to act like adults, but I'm proud that everyone looks forward to coming to our holiday celebrations whenever they are held. My advice to your readers: Forget the calendar and remember the reason for the gathering! -- FOUND HOLIDAY SPIRIT

DEAR FOUND: I love your attitude, and couldn't stop smiling after reading your letter. Thank you so much for writing. I hope it will open the minds and hearts of other readers.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 61-year-old man. When I was 40, I was told by my sister that Dad had confided that our mom -- who had recently passed -- had been married before. We were both floored that it was a secret all those years and that, with a family of 12 aunts and uncles and countless cousins, no one ever spilled the beans.

About a year ago, I asked an older cousin on Facebook why no one had ever mentioned it. He said his mom told him not to, AND that my oldest sister, also deceased, wasn't my dad's daughter. Dad is gone now, and I only have my cousin's word to go by.

Almost all of the relatives are dead, and the only living uncle was younger than my mom. He's in his 80s now and doesn't remember anything like that. I can't help but wonder what other parts of my life were a "lie." I have suffered from depression for years and this certainly doesn't help. Any thoughts? -- JUMBLED IN TEXAS

DEAR JUMBLED: I'm glad you asked because I do have some to offer. None of the parts of your life have been a "lie." Certain parts of your parents' lives were obfuscated, most likely because they weren't proud of them. In your parents' generation, divorce was less common than it has been in more recent decades. But they are dead and gone now. It is time to forgive them for their lapses and concentrate on your own life. A step in the right direction would be to schedule some time with a licensed psychotherapist to talk about your depression.

DEAR ABBY: I've been dating "Karl" for five years. We live separately. I thought our relationship was pretty solid until a recent health scare. A few days ago, I had a severe allergic reaction to something I ate at dinner. When I realized how serious it was, I immediately rushed to the ER. (I had taken an antihistamine instead of calling the paramedics.)

I quickly messaged Karl that I was having a medical emergency. The doctor said these reactions can be fatal and will become increasingly worse after each reaction. Karl was working and said he couldn't leave work. He didn't make sure I got home safely or even come to the house later to check on me. When I asked him for help picking up the many meds I needed the next morning, he again said he was working. I was furious, and did it myself although I shouldn't have been driving. I know I'm emotional due to meds and trauma. Am I overreacting? -- DISAPPOINTED IN OREGON

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: You are NOT overreacting. You were fortunate to have made it to the emergency room because you could have died on the way. Karl's reaction to your crisis was incredibly callous. Please think very carefully about a future with this person because he isn't going to change. Start compiling a list of people you can depend upon should the need arise. Karl definitely isn't one. If you were counting on him to be your life partner, change your mind now because, if you don't, it could cost you your life.

DEAR ABBY: When I was a kid, I was called a "chatterbox," and it continued until my mid-30s. Somewhere I came across the saying that it's better to be silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. It made sense to me, so I shut up.

Now I'm close to retirement, and people complain that I don't talk enough! I detest social gatherings where I must make polite conversation with people I don't know. And with people I do know, I'm afraid of saying too much. Any recommendations? -- FORMER CHATTERBOX IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR FORMER CHATTERBOX: Conversation isn't supposed to be a monologue; it is supposed to be a dialogue -- an exchange of information. If you find yourself dominating a conversation, pause, ask questions and listen to the answers. For those who say you don't hold up your end, consider making a list in advance of topics you consider safe (excluding sex, politics and religion) and refer to it if you feel stuck. And, if you don't know how to begin, lead off with a compliment.

DEAR ABBY: I am engaged to a wonderful man I'll call Jesse who loves my daughter and me. However, one of my brothers seems not to be happy for me. Because of this, Jesse doesn't want to invite him to our wedding, but I'm worried about how excluding him will affect my family. Any advice you could give would be greatly appreciated. -- MELANCHOLY IN MONTANA

DEAR MELANCHOLY: You and Jesse need to discuss this further. I don't know what your brother's reservations are concerning your fiance, but unless his presence would be disruptive, he should not be excluded. If you do what Jesse has in mind, it will cause a rift that could last for decades. Invite your brother, and it will then be up to him whether he attends.

DEAR ABBY: My man of three years and I are at a crossroads. He has gone from my boyfriend, to fiance, back to boyfriend, to friend, to "I don't know what he is now." He showers me with gifts and material things, which really don't mean a lot to me. I thank him often for the things he does, and I reciprocate them.

What matters more to me are simple gestures like checking to make sure I get home safely, accepting and acknowledging my friends, acknowledging me on Mother's Day, asking how my day was, taking me out from time to time instead of always saying he doesn't want to go.

I have explained to him time and time again how I want to be treated, but it goes in one ear and out the other. I have given him chance after chance to get it right, to no avail. I am tired of this. It's like we're speaking different languages. Is it time for me to move on? -- IMPATIENT IN ALABAMA

DEAR IMPATIENT: Yes, it is. If, after three years, your man still hasn't gotten the message that material things are unimportant to you, and being treated with consideration is paramount, then it isn't going to happen. He isn't the man for you.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 34-year-old female who still lives with her dad. When I start a job search, he says things like, "You've got your bachelor's degree; you'll be fine!" or, "You're a hard worker; you've got this job in the bag!" Then my hopes are raised, only to be dashed when the rejection letters arrive, which makes me feel angry and useless.

It also doesn't help my confidence when Dad says things like, "You'll never be able to afford an apartment," or, "Best you just stay here in town and get a job." I would like to leave this town someday and actually live on my own. How do I rise above my dad's expectations of me? -- FEELING STUCK IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR FEELING STUCK: It will happen as soon as you stop allowing your father's expectations -- whether positive or negative -- to affect you. Because of the economy, many people, through no fault of their own, live in multigenerational households. The impact on them has been emotional as well as financial. If you can't find a job in your ideal profession, take something that's available. Your future will work itself out as the economy improves, and while you may not have your dream job right now, the one you desire can still happen, so don't give up.

DEAR ABBY: My mother has been visiting family members' graves each year for many years. In the past she placed cut flowers on the graves, but recently she has begun leaving live potted flowers. What I learned recently is, the day after a major holiday she and her friend return to the cemetery, remove them and take them home. When I asked her why, her response was, "If I don't take them, someone else will." Am I wrong to think this is odd, or is this now a common practice I am not aware of? -- UNUSUAL IN THE WEST

DEAR UNUSUAL: I checked with two cemeteries here in Los Angeles where I reside and asked if what your mother has been doing is common practice. Both said they had never heard of such a thing. Cut flowers are removed weekly from the graves after they wilt; potted plants are allowed to remain for the family to maintain when they visit.