DEAR ABBY: I am a 39-year-old woman who has been in a relationship for five years and married for two. Abby, I am consumed with regret for marrying this man. He's loyal and has a good job, but he spends most of our money on food (eating out at work, drinking expensive beers, buying tools, etc.) and he is probably the most negative person I know. His negativity is so overwhelming it has pulled me down closer to his level than where I started when we met.

I feel trapped. I don't want to be single at 40, and I know somewhere in there I love him, so I'm working on my own energy so it won't affect me so much. He just makes everything so miserable with his attitude. He exudes bad energy. He pouts, throws temper tantrums, is rude, condescending, and EVERYONE around him can feel his bad moods. He has only recently started therapy and I want to be patient, but I have this loop playing in my head -- "I hate his guts!" I know it's not true, but I am so resentful and remorseful for marrying him. Is there anything I can do to save my marriage? Is it even worth it? -- SECOND THOUGHTS IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SECOND THOUGHTS: There is something you can do, and I sincerely hope you will take it to heart. Recognize that "pouting, temper tantrums, condescension and (constant) negativity" is hostile and abusive. I am glad your husband is receiving professional help to improve his behavior and attitude. Now it's time for you to do the same. If you do, it will help you to clear your head and your soul. It will also give you deeper insight into whether this is worth it.

P.S. Saving your marriage will have to be a joint effort. This is not something you can do on your own.

DEAR ABBY: I've been dealing with some emotional stress for well over a year. I've recently found out my wife's ex was much more well-endowed than I am. I understand that's not the most important thing, but it is messing with me mentally. One reason is, a long time ago when she was drunk, she asked me why it was so small. When I came across pictures of him, it all came back.

I feel like we need to talk about it, but I don't know how to start. I know she will get mad and I don't think she would tell me the truth. A lot of things go along with these feelings, which is part of why it bothers me so much. I probably need to just let it go, but it continues to haunt me. We have been married a long time and have had our share of problems. How do I get past this? Any help or guidance would be greatly appreciated. -- NOT MEASURING UP IN ALABAMA

DEAR NOT MEASURING UP: What, exactly, is the "truth" you are afraid your wife will conceal if you bring this out in the open? If she thought you couldn't satisfy her needs, she wouldn't have married you. The question I would like answered is where those old photos were when you stumbled across them. Were you going through her belongings because you feel insecure about things other than your anatomy? This does need to be discussed when you are both sober, because if you remain silent, your insecurity will only grow worse. Please don't wait to do it.

DEAR ABBY: I am raising my two granddaughters and trying to allow their mother, my daughter, to visit with them. My problem is, the entire time she is with us, she stays on her phone or Snapchat. Last weekend, I drove to the place where she resides, and the whole time we were there she ignored the girls. I have a ton of family and friends who say I'm wrong for allowing her to even see the girls, period. I don't want to be the bad guy when they grow up. Help, Abby. -- FOR THEIR GOOD IN OHIO

DEAR FOR THEIR GOOD: Either your daughter doesn't know how to relate to her children, which is why she stays on her cellphone when you bring them to her, or she's not interested in creating a bond since she has offloaded them to you. Talk with your daughter. Tell her that if she isn't prepared to actually spend time with her children, you will stop bringing them, and then follow through. Children aren't stupid. They know when someone is interested in them and when they are being ignored. In the end, you won't be the "bad guy" in their eyes.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing because I'm sure other grandparents have faced the same issue as I have. I enjoy sending my grandchildren cards with a small check for special occasions or as a reward for doing well in school, etc. My son and daughter-in-law have a reward system set up with my grandson where he receives an allowance for doing his chores, but has money deducted if he doesn't.

I sent my grandson a small check with his birthday card, but my son informed me that he will be able to keep only $2 of it, because he's in the hole for not doing his chores. I feel the check was a gift and should have been kept separate from the rewards program. Who is right -- my son or me? -- GENEROUS GRAN IN WASHINGTON

DEAR GRAN: I think you are. But since your son and daughter-in-law dictate what goes on under their roof, it doesn't matter what you and I think. The rules are the rules, and your grandson needs to get off his behind and catch up on those chores!

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are snowbirds and head south for a few sunny months every winter. We rent in an active adults community and enjoy all the clubs and sports. Our problem is the number of relatives and friends who invite themselves down for a free vacation.

Unless I specifically call and invite you, I am not interested in spending my vacation -- which is costing me a pretty penny -- making beds, washing towels, cooking much more elaborate meals than my husband and I usually eat and ferrying you around to see the sights. Feel free to rent your own place or stay in a hotel wherever you wish, but please do not include us in your plans. Thank you, Abby, for letting me get that off my chest! -- ANSWER IS NO

DEAR ANSWER: You are welcome. That's what I am here for. But you are venting to the wrong person. This is something you should express to each of the friends and relatives who think they can continue to impose upon you. Who can blame them? They thought your silence was consent.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have experienced a serious disconnect since the COVID-19 outbreak. I have very little interest in him and ZERO desire when it comes to sex. We have two small children at home, so Mommy/Daddy time is now nonexistent.

We haven't left our home in five months and I'm beyond frustrated. I know he wants to keep us safe, but when I see pictures online and hear about my friends and family still going out -- living their lives -- it makes me depressed, anxious and to be honest, grumpy! He says he loves me, but he has started to resemble a Neanderthal. He doesn't shower regularly and doesn't shave for weeks on end.

I can't remember the last time I put on makeup, jewelry, perfume or even a cute outfit. Frumpy isn't a word I would use to describe myself, but it's how I feel and how I'm looking these days. He says my lack of desire is confusing, so now I feel attacked and inadequate and like I'm letting him down.

I love him, I do! But, right now I'm just not feeling it. I miss the days when I felt special, loved, admired and appreciated. Now it's nothing more than laundry, cleaning, picking up messes, home-schooling and asking what they want to eat next. Did I mention dishes? It's time, Abby. I need to get my groove back! Any suggestions? -- MARRIED TO A NEANDERTHAL

DEAR MARRIED: It's time to clear the air. Tell your husband what you have told me -- starting with the fact that you feel depressed, anxious, trapped, out of sorts and he now resembles a Neanderthal. (It may make him feel less "confused.") If you have been doing all the chores alone, it is important that he pitch in.

You both may need to get out of your cage once in a while. Dress up and go for an outdoor meal (lunch?) with a friend. Take your kids to the park. Your husband should do the same. However, if he can't bring himself to do that, he needs to understand that depression and isolation may be a threat to your marriage.

DEAR ABBY: I've known my friend "Bob" for many years. We both love cars and have attended car shows together. A few months ago we made tentative plans to attend an upcoming car event together. I texted him as the date neared, but he responded that he might be out of town. When I didn't hear from him again, I assumed he couldn't go.

During a group conversation at a social gathering a few weeks later, I heard Bob say he had attended the event with another friend. I'm certain he didn't forget about our prior conversation. I don't know why he shut me out, but I feel he was dishonest. I have been avoiding him ever since.

Part of me wants Bob to know that I'm aware of what he did. Another part thinks it would be best to leave the subject alone. Either way, I'm inclined to discontinue our friendship. Am I overreacting? -- JADED IN THE WEST

DEAR JADED: Bob may have wanted a change of pace and didn't know how to say it. I can see why you felt hurt. Because you are inclined to end your long friendship with him over this, ask Bob why he handled the situation the way he did. If you do, it may save your relationship.