DEAR ABBY: I am a 39-year-old woman who has been in a relationship for five years and married for two. Abby, I am consumed with regret for marrying this man. He's loyal and has a good job, but he spends most of our money on food (eating out at work, drinking expensive beers, buying tools, etc.) and he is probably the most negative person I know. His negativity is so overwhelming it has pulled me down closer to his level than where I started when we met.
I feel trapped. I don't want to be single at 40, and I know somewhere in there I love him, so I'm working on my own energy so it won't affect me so much. He just makes everything so miserable with his attitude. He exudes bad energy. He pouts, throws temper tantrums, is rude, condescending, and EVERYONE around him can feel his bad moods. He has only recently started therapy and I want to be patient, but I have this loop playing in my head -- "I hate his guts!" I know it's not true, but I am so resentful and remorseful for marrying him. Is there anything I can do to save my marriage? Is it even worth it? -- SECOND THOUGHTS IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR SECOND THOUGHTS: There is something you can do, and I sincerely hope you will take it to heart. Recognize that "pouting, temper tantrums, condescension and (constant) negativity" is hostile and abusive. I am glad your husband is receiving professional help to improve his behavior and attitude. Now it's time for you to do the same. If you do, it will help you to clear your head and your soul. It will also give you deeper insight into whether this is worth it.
P.S. Saving your marriage will have to be a joint effort. This is not something you can do on your own.