life

New Mother Is on Her Own When It Comes to Child Care

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 24th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My stepdaughter is married to a very selfish man. They have a newborn baby, and he refuses to help her with the baby. He claims that because he works, he isn't obligated.

She cares for the baby 24/7 and does all the housework, cooking, etc. If she asks him to feed the baby in the morning, he says, "I'm hungry, so I have to have my breakfast first," and he lets the baby cry. He also refuses to change a diaper.

What can she say or do that might encourage him to change his ways? It is unfair to her to work 24/7 like this, and she is EXHAUSTED. -- STEPGRANDMA IN ISRAEL

DEAR STEPGRANDMA: I agree the treatment your daughter is receiving is unfair. That her husband would eat while his infant is crying for food is beyond insensitive; it's neglectful and cruel. She should not expect this man to change his attitude. This is who he is, and he not only won't change, his self-centeredness will become worse with time.

If you can take in your grandchild -- and your stepdaughter -- and give her a chance to get some rest, please consider it. And while she is with you, point out that this will be her future as long as she remains with her husband.

Marriage & DivorceFamily & Parenting
life

Man Tolerates Dog's Attention More Than Wife Thinks He Should

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 24th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have the most wonderful, caring, loving husband any wife could dream of, and together we have a very sweet dog who adores us both but my husband a bit too much, if I may put it that way. When my husband is relaxing on the couch, "Peanut" likes to, umm, "love on" his leg.

I know this is something dogs do, and I have read that it's a way to establish the alpha, but my husband doesn't dissuade her from this "loving" behavior. I find it disturbing, not so much because Peanut does it, but because my husband doesn't mind or even likes it. Is this normal? -- OTHER ALPHA IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR OTHER ALPHA: According to the ASPCA website, what Peanut is doing is normal behavior for animals of both sexes, including those that have been spayed or neutered. Your husband's acceptance of it, in my opinion, is less so.

Marriage & Divorce
life

Friends Don't See Eye to Eye on What's Funny

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 24th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I know a man who is a wonderful person, but he has a habit that is very disturbing. He gets angry when I laugh. He says I shouldn't be laughing because he thinks what I'm laughing at isn't funny.

I used to start a phrase with, "The funny thing is," meaning strange or odd, and he would cut me off saying, "I don't see why you think that's funny." I have since changed the phrase to "The odd thing is" to keep the peace. How can I handle this without creating a scene or argument? It is annoying when we are alone and embarrassing when we are in public. --UNFUNNY IN TEXAS

DEAR UNFUNNY: I am sure it's embarrassing. "Wonderful" people do not correct others in public. They wait and do it privately. This person may have redeeming qualities, but tact and a sense of humor are not two of them. If telling him you don't like what he's doing and that it's inappropriate will cause a scene or an argument, my advice is to reevaluate the relationship.

Etiquette & EthicsFriends & Neighbors
life

Widow's Adult Kids Begrudge Her Dating a Family Friend

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 23rd, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I was married for more than 30 years and have two grown children. The marriage wasn't perfect, and I admit there were times when I badly wanted to walk out the door. My husband was charismatic and talented, but he was also an addict. I covered up most of his bad behaviors so our children would be protected from being hurt. He passed away suddenly. My children adored him but never really knew how hard it was for me to keep our family together.

Fast-forward to today: I am dating an old family friend I'll call "Jeff," who knew my husband well. He saw my spouse at his best and his worst, so I don't have to sugarcoat my feelings with him. My issue is, I was so hurt during my marriage that I have a hard time trusting anyone. My anxiety is sometimes overwhelming.

Jeff is supportive and understanding and loves me despite my emotional behavior at times. My adult children are upset that I am dating and try to make me feel bad about it, which creates more stress. I don't want them to know all the hell I went through, but at the same time, I don't think their belittling me is appropriate. Is there a tactful way to explain to them that I just want to be happy and have the freedom to move forward? -- READY FOR THE FUTURE

DEAR READY: A polite, but assertive, way to convey your message might be to say: "I have just one life to live, kids, and I intend to live it to the fullest. Jeff and I are old friends -- he's not a stranger. I don't need your approval to move on with my life. If you can't stop belittling and second-guessing me and treat my friend with respect, you will be seeing a lot less of me."

Friends & NeighborsFamily & ParentingAddictionLove & DatingDeathMarriage & Divorce
life

Sisters-in-Law Clash Following Father's Death

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 23rd, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My brother has married a pushy woman who is incessantly forcing her way in where it is not wanted. With the recent death of our father, she has started sticking her nose into the family's business affairs. This is not about money; our father died in debt.

I finally took exception to her overbearing behavior, and now I'm afraid I have damaged my relationship with my brother. What can be done? -- CORNERED IN KENTUCKY

DEAR CORNERED: The "pushy" woman your brother married is now a member of the family. When there is a death in the family, emotions can run high. If you feel you were too rough on your sister-in-law, you owe her an apology.

DeathFamily & Parenting
life

Colleague's Nickname for Husband Rubs Wife the Wrong Way

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 23rd, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: A young, attractive female co-worker of my husband's addresses him by his first name ending with "ly" (example: "Georgely"). When I asked how the name was acquired, both of them claimed they didn't remember. They know I do not approve, particularly on social media for the world to see.

I consider pet names a term of endearment, to be reserved for one's significant other. Am I out of line, or are they? -- NAME-DROPPING IN WISCONSIN

DEAR NAME-DROPPING: What the pet name may signify is that your husband and his co-worker may have a closer personal relationship than simply a professional one. And in most cases, that isn't good for business. That he would allow this to persist publicly, knowing it bothers you, is disrespectful, and THAT is what is out of line.

Work & SchoolMarriage & Divorce
life

Changing a Diaper Causes Family Friction at Baptism

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 22nd, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law "Brenda" often takes it upon herself to change a baby's diaper during social gatherings with family. She never bothers to ask the baby's parents if it's OK to do this, and they never solicit her help. For years, I found it a bit strange, but never said anything to Brenda or another family member.

Some time ago, my in-laws and immediate family were at my son's baptismal party. Several babies from my wife's side as well as my own were there. My wife's relatives aren't well-acquainted with mine. Before our wedding, neither of our families had ever met the other.

During the festivities, my wife's niece -- who was still in diapers -- appeared to have a full load in her back side. Her parents were in another room. Without informing them of the issue or asking permission, Brenda took it upon herself to change the diaper. The child's mother walked into the room and began to loudly scold Brenda for doing it without her consent. You could see the mother was upset and scared, since she did not know Brenda at all.

After the party ended, my family couldn't understand why the child's mother became so upset. They thought she was some kind of nut for reacting the way she did. I fully understand why the mother became upset. Given the fact that she doesn't know Brenda, and that one must clean the baby's private parts when changing a diaper, I don't understand why Brenda would take this upon herself. What's your opinion, Abby? -- STRANGE IN THE EAST

DEAR STRANGE: What your sister-in-law did may have been fine with her own family, but for her to have changed the diaper of a child whose parents she didn't know well (and from whom she didn't have permission!) was inappropriate. I don't fault the mother for being upset. Rather than blame her for reacting the way she did, it's time someone explains boundaries to Miss Brenda.

Holidays & CelebrationsEtiquette & EthicsFamily & Parenting
life

Connection With Old Classmate Goes From Exciting to Frightening

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 22nd, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Being bored due to the quarantine, I signed up to Classmates.com to look for old friends. Moments later I received a response from a male classmate. We graduated the same year. I really don't remember him, although he said he remembered me. Anyway, we started texting and exchanging graduation pictures. He still lives in our hometown; I don't. We have started talking almost every day.

My problem is, we have so many things in common, from family to same make of car and insurance company, I have started getting a creepy feeling. It freaked me out to the point that I blocked him.

He was always respectful, but for us to have so much in common made my stomach lurch. Do you think this is possible? Or is there a chance he could be stalking me? -- FREAKED OUT

DEAR FREAKED: It could be coincidental that you have so much in common, but I would never advise anyone who had a gut feeling that something wasn't right to ignore it. Listen to your intuition and you will never go wrong.

COVID-19Work & SchoolFriends & Neighbors

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