life

Widow's Adult Kids Begrudge Her Dating a Family Friend

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 23rd, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I was married for more than 30 years and have two grown children. The marriage wasn't perfect, and I admit there were times when I badly wanted to walk out the door. My husband was charismatic and talented, but he was also an addict. I covered up most of his bad behaviors so our children would be protected from being hurt. He passed away suddenly. My children adored him but never really knew how hard it was for me to keep our family together.

Fast-forward to today: I am dating an old family friend I'll call "Jeff," who knew my husband well. He saw my spouse at his best and his worst, so I don't have to sugarcoat my feelings with him. My issue is, I was so hurt during my marriage that I have a hard time trusting anyone. My anxiety is sometimes overwhelming.

Jeff is supportive and understanding and loves me despite my emotional behavior at times. My adult children are upset that I am dating and try to make me feel bad about it, which creates more stress. I don't want them to know all the hell I went through, but at the same time, I don't think their belittling me is appropriate. Is there a tactful way to explain to them that I just want to be happy and have the freedom to move forward? -- READY FOR THE FUTURE

DEAR READY: A polite, but assertive, way to convey your message might be to say: "I have just one life to live, kids, and I intend to live it to the fullest. Jeff and I are old friends -- he's not a stranger. I don't need your approval to move on with my life. If you can't stop belittling and second-guessing me and treat my friend with respect, you will be seeing a lot less of me."

Marriage & DivorceDeathLove & DatingAddictionFamily & ParentingFriends & Neighbors
life

Sisters-in-Law Clash Following Father's Death

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 23rd, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My brother has married a pushy woman who is incessantly forcing her way in where it is not wanted. With the recent death of our father, she has started sticking her nose into the family's business affairs. This is not about money; our father died in debt.

I finally took exception to her overbearing behavior, and now I'm afraid I have damaged my relationship with my brother. What can be done? -- CORNERED IN KENTUCKY

DEAR CORNERED: The "pushy" woman your brother married is now a member of the family. When there is a death in the family, emotions can run high. If you feel you were too rough on your sister-in-law, you owe her an apology.

Family & ParentingDeath
life

Colleague's Nickname for Husband Rubs Wife the Wrong Way

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 23rd, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: A young, attractive female co-worker of my husband's addresses him by his first name ending with "ly" (example: "Georgely"). When I asked how the name was acquired, both of them claimed they didn't remember. They know I do not approve, particularly on social media for the world to see.

I consider pet names a term of endearment, to be reserved for one's significant other. Am I out of line, or are they? -- NAME-DROPPING IN WISCONSIN

DEAR NAME-DROPPING: What the pet name may signify is that your husband and his co-worker may have a closer personal relationship than simply a professional one. And in most cases, that isn't good for business. That he would allow this to persist publicly, knowing it bothers you, is disrespectful, and THAT is what is out of line.

Marriage & DivorceWork & School
life

Changing a Diaper Causes Family Friction at Baptism

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 22nd, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law "Brenda" often takes it upon herself to change a baby's diaper during social gatherings with family. She never bothers to ask the baby's parents if it's OK to do this, and they never solicit her help. For years, I found it a bit strange, but never said anything to Brenda or another family member.

Some time ago, my in-laws and immediate family were at my son's baptismal party. Several babies from my wife's side as well as my own were there. My wife's relatives aren't well-acquainted with mine. Before our wedding, neither of our families had ever met the other.

During the festivities, my wife's niece -- who was still in diapers -- appeared to have a full load in her back side. Her parents were in another room. Without informing them of the issue or asking permission, Brenda took it upon herself to change the diaper. The child's mother walked into the room and began to loudly scold Brenda for doing it without her consent. You could see the mother was upset and scared, since she did not know Brenda at all.

After the party ended, my family couldn't understand why the child's mother became so upset. They thought she was some kind of nut for reacting the way she did. I fully understand why the mother became upset. Given the fact that she doesn't know Brenda, and that one must clean the baby's private parts when changing a diaper, I don't understand why Brenda would take this upon herself. What's your opinion, Abby? -- STRANGE IN THE EAST

DEAR STRANGE: What your sister-in-law did may have been fine with her own family, but for her to have changed the diaper of a child whose parents she didn't know well (and from whom she didn't have permission!) was inappropriate. I don't fault the mother for being upset. Rather than blame her for reacting the way she did, it's time someone explains boundaries to Miss Brenda.

Family & ParentingEtiquette & EthicsHolidays & Celebrations
life

Connection With Old Classmate Goes From Exciting to Frightening

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 22nd, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Being bored due to the quarantine, I signed up to Classmates.com to look for old friends. Moments later I received a response from a male classmate. We graduated the same year. I really don't remember him, although he said he remembered me. Anyway, we started texting and exchanging graduation pictures. He still lives in our hometown; I don't. We have started talking almost every day.

My problem is, we have so many things in common, from family to same make of car and insurance company, I have started getting a creepy feeling. It freaked me out to the point that I blocked him.

He was always respectful, but for us to have so much in common made my stomach lurch. Do you think this is possible? Or is there a chance he could be stalking me? -- FREAKED OUT

DEAR FREAKED: It could be coincidental that you have so much in common, but I would never advise anyone who had a gut feeling that something wasn't right to ignore it. Listen to your intuition and you will never go wrong.

Friends & NeighborsWork & SchoolCOVID-19
life

Parents Disapprove of New Boyfriend of Different Race

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 21st, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 22-year-old woman who was adopted. I recently started dating an amazing man who happens to be of another race. My parents, whom I love very much, told me that if I stay with him, they will disown me. They have made many horrible comments about my relationship, and I'm at a loss about what to do. I love them, but I also love my boyfriend. Please give me advice. What should I do? -- HOPELESS IN INDIANA

DEAR HOPELESS: You need to figure out which is more important to you, the hope for a future with this amazing man who is new in your life, or your relationship with your parents. It's a tough choice to make, and there are variables to consider. Are you OK with your parents dictating who you can date in terms of race? Is this person as serious as you are about this new relationship? Are you financially and emotionally independent?

Start by making a list of the pros and the cons. Once you are finished, understanding that neither choice will be pain free, you may have a clearer idea of what your decision must be.

Love & DatingFamily & Parenting
life

Handsome Husband Doesn't Light Wife's Fire

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 21st, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband of 30 years still desires me. I know he has been faithful. He's a wonderful father, has plenty of friends, a warm sense of humor and even in tough times has always managed to be a good provider. We have never wanted for anything.

He is in decent shape for his age, and some women have commented that he is handsome. Yet I recoil at his advances or pretend to be asleep. I feel like I owe him sex since it's part of marriage, and then I resent him because I feel I am letting him down. -- NO DESIRE DOWN SOUTH

DEAR NO DESIRE: You need to figure out whether your negative reaction to your husband's advances is emotional or physical. Have you always felt this way, or is it (relatively) recent?

Hormonal changes as women age can be a reason for lack of libido, and if that's what's causing your problem, it is something you should talk about with your gynecologist because it may be fixable. Start there, because you owe this both to yourself and your husband.

Marriage & DivorceSex
life

House Is Full of Tension After Fiancee and Son Move In

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 21st, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I decided to live together. Although I knew at the time that his cousin and two younger people lived in the house with him, he promised to make sure there was room for me and my 13-year-old son, who has Asperger's. However, things are tense in the house because someone is stealing my things, and no one will admit it. There is also constant fighting about how I should raise my son because everyone in the house has an opinion and wants to be his boss.

I am at my wits' end. I love my fiance, but I can't take much more of the anxiety they put me through. What should I do? -- TORN IN TENNESSEE

DEAR TORN: Have a frank conversation with your fiance about the fact that this living situation isn't working out for you. The two of you should then discuss options. The most obvious would be that some folks need to make other living arrangements -- either you and your son, or the cousin and the two younger people. This doesn't necessarily mean the engagement has to be broken, but things cannot continue as they are.

Love & DatingFamily & Parenting

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