DEAR ABBY: My family just came back from a relative's after a weekend visit. The occasion was a birthday party, and he had a tattoo artist come over. My boyfriend -- the father of our 14- and 3-year-olds -- spent our last $100 and went ahead and got himself a tattoo! We aren't rich, and we had to borrow money for gas to get home.

I think he is the most selfish person on the face of the planet, and I get mad at him for every other little thing now. I can't imagine many adult men would do that to their partner. I know a few who would even say, "No, Honey, you get something. I can wait." Is there any hope for mankind? -- MARK OF DISASTER IN WASHINGTON

DEAR MARK OF DISASTER: There is plenty of hope for mankind; for the father of your 14- and 3-year-olds, maybe not so much. Was he under the influence at that party, or does he make poor decisions about money often?

That tatt is now a constant reminder of your disappointment in him, so I hope it's in a place where you don't have to see it every day or night. You have my sympathy, but you chose this person as a life partner.

DEAR ABBY: My parents have been together for more than three decades, but their marriage has been strained for years. Still, they won't pull the plug and call it quits. It's making us kids (all in our 20s and out of the house) and our extended family confused and frustrated.

They still live under one roof, although they spend all of their time in separate parts of the house and communicate only through us kids. They're clearly miserable, but if any of us tries to speak to them about their toxic dynamic, each one blames the other.

Abby, I adore both of my parents, but they're becoming shells of themselves. I know it's not my business to step in, but something has to change. I can't handle another tense holiday visit. What should I do? -- CONCERNED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CONCERNED: You and your siblings should sit down with your parents and tell them the effect their toxic dynamic has had on you as a family. All of you should urge them to seek counseling from a licensed marriage and family therapist. Then cross your fingers and hope they are willing to follow through. However, if they aren't and you can't handle another tense holiday visit, I recommend you make other plans and tell them why.

DEAR ABBY: I am 13. Three years ago, I was in a car accident that left me in a wheelchair. I have been able to move on in life and am happy and have lots of friends who help me stay active in sports, etc. My problem is, I had a friend before my accident who moved away, and I'm sure he doesn't know his once best friend can no longer walk.

I just heard his family is moving back here, and I'm not sure how to handle this. Should I contact him before the move, or wait and be like, "Oh, by the way"? Do you have any advice? -- WONDERING IN NEW YORK

DEAR WONDERING: The news is bound to be a shock. If you have this young man's contact information, I vote for letting him know in advance about the accident. And while you're at it, fill him in on what you have been doing since he left town.

DEAR ABBY: Your advice to the grieving widower "In Need of Someone" (June 22) was spot on. I met my husband when I was 14. We married at 18, and he died when he was 44. After his death, I had no idea how to be a person because I had always been a partner.

In the early years, I cried every day and was searching, like "In Need," to fill that empty spot in my life. Then one day, I started figuring out what to do about the other holes in my life.

I had not been the breadwinner, so my income was poverty-level. I had no college and not a lot of work experience. I knew if I was going to be able to keep my house and put my kids in college, I had to work on these other holes. In the process of school, working three jobs and keeping up with life, I realized I had never thought about what was important to me.

Over the years I have seen several close friends lose partners and go through exactly what "In Need" and I have experienced. Your advice is so true. Volunteer. Get a part-time job doing something you like or a job that will just give you someone to talk to.

Go to a support group, go to a church, but do not get into a serious relationship, because if you do, you will go from one dependent situation to another. Every person I know who went right into another relationship later regretted it. The new person is not your lost partner, never will be and will never measure up. Go into a relationship only if you are willing to let the past go and are willing to change YOU.

Be open to another opinion and a new lifestyle. You might like doing something you never thought you would see yourself doing before. You are not going to know unless you try. Do not look for a Band-Aid to fix the emptiness. Look for a seed to plant and nurture, and be prepared to be amazed at the beauty that will be opened up to you. -- SHELLY IN ILLINOIS

DEAR SHELLY: Thank you for sharing the important life lessons you have learned. Other caring readers also responded to encourage "In Need" as he moves forward:

DEAR ABBY: I lost my husband after 30 years together. I'm still working on getting "from hollow to whole," as "In Need" wrote. Your advice that he should "figure out the boundary between where you left off and your wife began" is an important insight. I've never heard this from a grief counselor, but it's exactly what I've been trying to do for the past three months. You can't live with someone else if you can't live with yourself.

I'm working on becoming whole again, and it's happening slowly. "In Need" should do the same. It may take longer, but it works better. -- TAMMY IN OREGON

DEAR ABBY: "In Need" should get some hobbies. If I met a nice person and was considering pursuing a relationship and I found out he had no hobbies, no outside interests or friends beyond his late spouse, I would be gone. Among my friends, I don't know a single one who would want a relationship with someone whose life was totally wrapped up in his spouse and "needed" a replacement. -- NANCY IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR ABBY: After my wife died, I joined Widowed Information and Consultation Services in my home state. It was a wonderful way to be with others who had lost their mates, and it helped me realize I wasn't the only one going through this.

Also, I decided to say "yes" to any invitations from friends to join them for dinner or a social gathering. Being around others helped to stave off the loneliness. In addition, I decided to travel by myself to Europe for a month, joining a group tour. I eventually found a wonderful lady, also a widow, and we have been married 15 years. -- ROBERT IN WASHINGTON

DEAR ABBY: "In Need" should consider adopting a pet, a dog or cat, that will love him unconditionally. Because of my pets, I am never alone, always loved and have creatures who depend on me. It might make the days ahead easier for that widower. I wish him the best. -- MICHAEL IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 30 years. He has always been self-centered. We have discussed this over the years, and it hasn't changed his disposition. I bought him an "It's All About Me" coffee cup years ago as a joke, and he enjoys using it!

We both have office jobs and day-to-day issues and problems with our employees and co-workers. If we talk on the phone at lunch or over dinner, he describes his daily issues in excruciating detail, looking for my feedback/input and then moves on. There is never a time I can update him on my issues and get his input to help with mine because he's too busy thinking about his issues.

He cares deeply about our adult children, but doesn't give them input on their issues either. If I don't remind him about the challenges (i.e., buying a new car, looking for a new job, etc.) they want our advice on, he would never reach out to them to assist. I am not sure if this is a personality trait I must live with or if you have some ideas to improve this situation. -- ALL ABOUT HIM

DEAR ALL ABOUT HIM: Has it occurred to you that in some areas your husband may be less self-centered than an empty vessel? He may not help you with your daily issues because he doesn't have the answers.

Assuming you have talked to him about this until you are blue in the face, the next time he asks for your input, you might consider being less helpful. Or, beat him to the punch and tell him about your problems before he has a chance to tell you the ones he is having.

As to your adult children, they should go directly to their father when they seek his advice and continue to approach him until they get it.

DEAR ABBY: I have a dear friend I've known for 25 years and I consider to be family. We recently had a falling-out because I set some boundaries I feel are necessary for my own wellness as I grow into my 40s. The boundaries revolve around disrespectful or belittling speech.

My friend is gay and excuses the disrespect as the way his community speaks among themselves. He often calls me the b-word in fun, as well as similar names. I have told him it hurts me, but he refuses to acknowledge it, dismissing it as "you know, since high school that's how we talk." He might show some restraint at times, but when he's drinking (which is often), he reverts back to making cruel or hurtful comments.

I am now a single mother, looking to grow and evolve into a better person, rebuild my self-esteem and possibly find a partner in life, but my friend keeps pulling me back into a dark place every time we speak. I care too much about him to walk away from this friendship. What can I do? -- BOUNDARIES SET IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR BOUNDARIES: You have already taken the first step. You told your friend (frenemy?) you will no longer tolerate being called a b---- or any other offensive name. For some in the gay community this may be considered "fun," but it ISN'T funny to you. That he would continue doing this after you expressed that it hurt your feelings makes me wonder if he values your relationship as much as you do.

Maintain your boundaries by leaving his presence if he uses that language. Oh, and one more thing: When you know he's been drinking, avoid him because, if you don't, you know what will follow.