DEAR ABBY: A friend's wife died six months ago after a 10-year battle with cancer. He was her faithful caretaker, as she was mostly homebound and bedridden. He told me previously that he has had a female friend for the last four years. He didn't say, but I think she comes "with benefits" (i.e., they have been intimate). Her office and his workplace regularly interact, and he knows her family and her kids.

He likes me, and I like him. During this initial grief period -- perhaps even for a year -- I wish to only be friends, and I have told him we are not going to be intimate anytime soon. As his grief lessens, it is possible that he and I may eventually date. But I don't feel good about his female friend, and I wouldn't want her in our space at all, not even as a casual friend. If they have been lovers, I would want him to cut ALL ties with her.

Abby, how likely is a widower to carry forward the (likely) mistress he had during the wife's protracted illness? -- WAITING IN THE WINGS

DEAR WAITING: Very likely! Although I wish you good hunting, you may be four years too late to bag this buck.

DEAR ABBY: I have stayed in contact with my college friends, but sad to say, many of my fellow students are now gone for good. I went to a reunion and met classmates I was close to back in the 1960s. How circumstances and personalities have changed.

Do you believe that once a person makes a move, either out of school or a job, that it's all over? You can't go back and relive old times, and if you return to the community, it isn't the same as if you never left? -- SENTIMENTAL IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR SENTIMENTAL: Time marches on, and people often grow and change as they mature. Some -- not all -- people maintain childhood and college friendships into their senior years. But geographical distance can cause those ties to loosen. Although we can't relive the old times, we can reminisce. But as the old saying goes, we can't go home again.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I and our children moved across the country away from our families three years ago. My 9-year-old daughter is extremely close to my mom and sister. Mom wants to take a road trip and spend a week with us. We are all excited, since we haven't seen them in a year. However, she wants to bring along my grandma and my younger cousin, who is 12.

My grandma has partial custody of my cousin. The girl had a rough upbringing, and I don't want her to come. She throws terrible temper tantrums, demands to be the center of attention and, when it doesn't happen, starts acting up. If that doesn't work, she will try to kiss people or make "jokes" about sex. I don't trust her around my daughters.

Mom hates controversy and turns a blind eye to the behavior. How can I get across that we want Mom and Grandma to come but to leave my cousin at home? -- PROCEEDING WITH CAUTION

DEAR PROCEEDING: Say it in plain English as you have to me. You have a right to protect your daughters from what you perceive to be a bad influence.

You mentioned your grandmother shares custody of this girl. Perhaps Grandma can leave her with that person for a week. However, once you have drawn the line, be prepared for the possibility that your mother may cancel the trip.

DEAR ABBY: I am 53 and have been divorced for more than 10 years. While we were going through the divorce, my ex and I went to counseling. Unfortunately, it couldn't save our marriage. However, I learned a lot during those sessions about how to be a better partner because I recognized the mistakes I had made during my marriage.

I am currently dating a woman my age. When we disagree, I try my best to use what I learned. While I'm not perfect, I'm glad I have that foundation. The problem is, my girlfriend employs a lot of the bad behaviors from which I evolved. I see it clearly, but you can't teach someone during an argument. How do we get on the same page? We love each other, so it would be nice to fine-tune our adversity to make it healthy and productive. -- WANTING BETTER IN THE EAST

DEAR WANTING: Communication is all-important in relationships, as is the ability to fight fair when disagreements arise. Wait until your lady friend is calm, then suggest the two of you seek couples counseling together. It will not only help you to make your relationship "healthier and more productive," it will also help the two of you grow closer by addressing any differences that might prevent it from developing further.

DEAR ABBY: One of my friends is a drama queen. Whenever things don't go the way she wants, she freaks out and makes a big deal out of everything. It makes the times we spend together hard, because my other friends and I are scared we'll start another fight with her. What can I do to make her stop making a big deal out of everything? -- NO MORE DRAMA QUEEN

DEAR NO MORE: Your friend may be high strung, or she may simply create drama in order to get attention. Understand that you can't "make" her stop doing it, but if you and your friends ignore her antics, she may tone it down when she realizes they aren't bringing the reaction she's looking for. If that doesn't work, stop including her as often.

DEAR ABBY: After smoking marijuana for 20 years, I quit two days ago. My head is starting to clear now, and things are coming into focus. I missed so much, and I feel terrible about it.

How many times did I say no to my kids because I was lazy? How many times have I yelled at them for just asking a question? My 6-year-old would have this frightened look because he wanted something and I yelled because he interrupted me from doing nothing.

I was at my in-laws' on Father's Day and started yelling at my husband for getting mad at me because I told his father, "Heck, you're not my dad, so what do I care?" The neighbors heard me, I'm sure. My father-in-law didn't even come out of his bedroom, and I'm sure my husband won't forget it.

Although I'm not the nicest to him at times, he loves me. I can be downright disrespectful, and my kids see this. It's the reason I quit smoking. Almost daily, I hear my 13-year-old say, "Stop yelling, Mom," or, "Why are you yelling, Mom?" I have so many regrets.

Can I make up for them? What can I do so my kids will remember good times and not just me yelling? Not sure where or how to start erasing the bad. Any advice would be appreciated. -- SMOKE IS CLEARING

DEAR SMOKE: You have already taken the first step in making it up to your family by admitting your smoking was hurting them and quitting. The next step will be to apologize to each of your family members for your behavior and let them know you know it was wrong and hurtful and that it won't continue.

The last steps may be the most difficult. Resolve not to lapse back into the old patterns, do whatever is necessary to prevent it and join a support group if necessary. I wish you success in your sobriety.

DEAR ABBY: My brother and sister-in-law adopted their child at birth. It was something I assumed the baby would grow up knowing. Unfortunately, it has never been revealed to the child, and the "child" is now practically an adult. I know it isn't my place to say anything, but the truth hangs over me like a dark cloud, and I feel complicit in the lie.

My children, who are younger, don't know, and I worry that if they ever discover it, they will think my partner and I are liars and resent us for not being honest all these years.

This is a sensitive subject to broach to my brother and his wife. I have tried and been met with yelling and tears. Is there anything to be done at this point? -- GUILTY BY ASSOCIATION

DEAR GUILTY: Although I wholeheartedly agree that children who are adopted should be told at an early age, the decision to reveal or withhold that information resides with the parents, not you. At some point, their child may need accurate information for medical reasons.

How your children could think you and your partner are liars for not telling them something that's really none of their business mystifies me. There is nothing for you to do at this point, so please resist the urge to venture further into this minefield.

TO MY READERS: As the sun sets tonight, Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year, begins. As we begin this time of solemn introspection, let me wish you all, "L'shana tova tikatevu" -- may you be inscribed in the Book of Life and have a good year. -- Love, ABBY