life

Boyfriend's Confession Rocks His Once-Solid Relationship

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 22nd, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of four years recently admitted that he cheated on me six months ago. I was blindsided. Until the day he told me, I thought we shared everything. The hollowness and betrayal I feel is sometimes overwhelming.

He explained that at the time, he was dealing with substance issues and depression, which I was also unaware of. Both have worsened in recent months. How could I have been so blind?

To complicate things further, I have a 6-year-old son who has grown to love this man as a father because my ex-husband walked out on us when he was born. He has been an amazing role model for my son, and overall, a wonderful partner -- or so I thought.

He says he's heartbroken over the pain he's caused me. He recently started receiving treatment for his depression through medication and therapy, and he has begged me to go to couples therapy to rebuild the trust that's been lost.

I was taught to believe that cheating is the end of a relationship, no ifs, ands or buts. I don't want to end the relationship, but I'm struggling with the decision because of what I was taught, especially when I confide in friends and they tell me to dump him.

I wish I knew what to do. I need an objective opinion. Can a relationship survive such a betrayal? Can we be happy again? -- HOLLOW IN NEW YORK

DEAR HOLLOW: The answers to your questions are yes and yes -- especially if both partners are fully committed and prepared to get couples therapy from a licensed professional. If you love this man and want to give this relationship a chance, quit confiding in your friends and start talking with the therapist. Your boyfriend is remorseful, he is also in treatment, and he is trying his best to get better and work things out. Please give him the opportunity to do that because, if you do, your story may have a happy ending.

Family & ParentingAddictionMental HealthLove & Dating
life

Dad Dismisses Daughter's Request to Stay Away During Quarantine

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 22nd, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am a 26-year-old single woman living alone during quarantine. I have no family who live in-state.

Admittedly, I've struggled with loneliness during quarantine, and my family knows this. For weeks, I have been fending off my dad's attempts to fly cross-country and visit. I don't think it's safe and have told him no.

Today, he told me that he is making plane reservations, it doesn't matter what I say or want. I know this comes from a place of love, but he is completely disregarding my feelings, especially since I have been extremely careful in quarantine and he hasn't been. Is there a way I can keep this visit from happening? -- HOME ALONE IN RHODE ISLAND

DEAR HOME ALONE: Yes, there is. Tell your father plainly you are afraid of being exposed to the virus because he hasn't been as careful about exposure as you have been. If he still insists, tell him he must bring with him proof that he has tested negative, and even then you won't see him unless you are both masked, gloved and practicing social distancing. He should also not plan on staying with you.

If that doesn't discourage him, when he arrives, see him outside and remain 6 feet apart in case he has been exposed at the airport or on the plane.

Health & SafetyCOVID-19Family & Parenting
life

Man's Affair With Neighbor Reaches a Moment of Truth

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 21st, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Last night I visited my 47-year-old son. After a 23-year marriage, he is going through a nasty divorce. While I was there, he asked my opinion about what he should do regarding a "situation."

A 62-year-old female divorced neighbor, who looks much younger, befriended him, and they've been having sex and spending time together for several months. She hasn't been in any relationships for two years.

He told her he's not interested in a permanent relationship because he's still not in a good emotional place, but he told me the real reason is their age difference. She told him she wants to continue, hoping it will lead to something permanent. He wants to be friends with benefits but doesn't want to hurt her feelings by telling her this.

He's a decent guy and feels he's being deceptive. I suggested he be honest and tell her it's because of the age difference. What do you recommend? -- MOM IN THE MIDDLE

DEAR MOM: Does your son think it will hurt the woman's feelings less if he monopolizes her for months -- or more -- and breaks the news later? For some people, a 15-year age difference is no big deal. But the longer this arrangement continues, the more hurt she will be when she finds out how much it matters to him.

I agree with you. Honesty is the best policy. And you know what? If she's as worldly as I suspect she may be, she may agree to continue the arrangement just the way it is.

Marriage & DivorceFriends & NeighborsFamily & Parenting
life

Quilts Given to Family Members Are Returned After Death

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 21st, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am a quilter. I have created hundreds of quilts as gifts for friends and family over the last 30 years.

Earlier this year, my husband's uncle passed away, and my mother-in-law brought his quilt over and gave it back to me. When my mother passed recently, I was given her quilt back, too. Looking at them makes me sad, but I can't bear to just throw them away.

My question is, what do I do with them? And what can I say to people about not returning these gifts I made without hurting their feelings at the time they've lost their loved ones? -- HURT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR HURT: This is the first I have heard about returning personal gifts to the givers after someone passes away, and frankly, I am surprised. I wonder if the same would be true of gifts of expensive jewelry or clothing?

If it happens again, all you have to say is how sorry you are for the person's loss but that you don't "need" the quilt back and suggest it be donated to a hospital, nursing home, senior center or orphanage. Consider contacting a local church for information on where they might be needed.

As to what to say to these grieving relatives, remember that when a gift is given, it is the recipient's -- or the recipient's survivors -- to do with as they wish. Try not to take it so personally.

Etiquette & EthicsDeath
life

Man's Vague Proposal Is Cause for Question

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 21st, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: What do you say to a guy who resurfaces 10 months after our first encounter and wants to know if I want to "see" him again? He didn't mention going to dinner or a movie or anything -- just seeing each other every 10 days or so. -- UNDECIDED IN FLORIDA

DEAR UNDECIDED: I'm not you, but this is what I would say: "What do you have in mind? A hike? A picnic at the beach? A socially distanced dinner?" And if his answer isn't something more than getting together for sex, I'd pass.

SexLove & Dating
life

Long-Ago Divorce Remains Source of Constant Criticism

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 20th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I desperately need to learn how to cope with caring for my mother, who is living with me. We get along most days, however she is very much a "Negative Nancy" on all topics, especially my life.

I have been divorced for more than 10 years, but she digs about my ex and his new wife as often as possible. I have asked her repeatedly to stop, but she flat-out refuses because "he left me in financial ruin."

Yes, my ex is more financially stable today than when we were married, but I am neither desolate nor destitute. She makes me feel like no matter what I do for her it's not enough, and before you suggest it, our only option is to live together. Please help salvage my emotional state. -- CHALLENGED IN TEXAS

DEAR CHALLENGED: For the sake of your sanity, you will have to learn to change the way you react to Mommy Dearest, who can't let go of her grudge or resist stirring the pot. Do you think she does it because she enjoys needling you? Is she bored and has nothing better to talk about?

When she makes negative comments about your ex, don't take the bait. Ignore her, leave the room or counter by saying something positive about him. (I hope you can come up with some good material.) And when she complains that you don't do enough for her, start doing less, which may make you feel less taken for granted.

Understand that you may never please her, and when the quarantine ends, encourage her to spend time at a senior center, volunteering "to help others less fortunate," or some other activity that will get her out of your house. You should also spend less time with her when you need to.

COVID-19Marriage & DivorceMental HealthFamily & Parenting
life

Daughter Holds Onto Anger Long After Parents' Marriage Ends

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 20th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My late husband and I had a dysfunctional marriage. He died in a car accident in 1995 at the age of 49. I was 44 then.

I did my best to shield my then-teenage daughter, "Wendy," from his opiate addiction, suicide attempts, physical abuse and the constant flux of income because we were on and off welfare. On the flip side of his character, he was funny, super smart, helped anyone who needed help and was loved by everyone.

Little did I know, my husband had been confiding all of my perceived faults with Wendy over the years. Twenty-five years have passed, and she still has residual anger toward me for things I never did back then. It spills out when she judges me or accuses me about issues that happen between us today.

Her father was abusive and neglectful of her, too, but she doesn't remember it. In her eyes, I was the bad guy in the marriage and he was the good guy and her hero forever.

I don't know how to heal the ugliness between us. I don't think it's productive at this point to tell her how bad her father treated me back then. I continue to love her unconditionally, but it still doesn't overcome her underlying pain and anger. Was I wrong for hiding everything from her? It's not fair being thought of unjustly. What else can I do? -- FAILING IN FLORIDA

DEAR FAILING: By protecting your daughter from the truth all these years, you have contributed to the situation you find yourself in. Tell your daughter it's important the two of you get some issues out in the open, and if she agrees, make an appointment for you both with a licensed mental health professional who can facilitate and mediate the long-overdue discussion.

Mental HealthAddictionMoneyAbuseMarriage & DivorceDeathFamily & Parenting

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