DEAR ABBY: I would like to address a problem I've never seen in your column. A lot of people have living wills but most don't remember what's in them.

My wife went to the hospital for a routine procedure that required anesthesia. After three hours of what was supposed to be a one-hour procedure, a nurse came out, said there was "a problem" and took me back to the recovery room. My wife was writhing on the bed and kept rasping, "I can't breathe!" Six nurses tried to put an oxygen mask over her face, but she kept fighting them, trying to rip it off. I was in total shock.

I didn't know how to help her, so I asked the anesthesiologist standing there to do something, and he said her living will was a DNR (do not resuscitate). She remained in cardiac and respiratory distress for eight hours before a pulmonologist was mercifully called and she was put on a ventilator.

I went home and pulled out our living wills. Hers stated, and I quote, "the individual so named must be terminally ill or permanently unconscious." I had no idea. She was neither of those things. If I'd had a copy of the living will with me, I'm sure she would have immediately been put on a ventilator. I lost her six months later, on Christmas morning.

I urge everyone who goes to the hospital for any procedure to make sure the person accompanying them has a copy of their advance directive. I still feel guilty. Her outcome could have been so much different, and she might have lived much longer. -- GRIEVING HUSBAND

DEAR GRIEVING HUSBAND: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your wife. Suffering as much pain as you are over her death, please don't torture yourself further over what you "would have, could have, should have" done. I appreciate your taking the time to share this important information with me and my readers. Your letter serves as a reminder that all end-of-life documents should be reviewed regularly to be sure they reflect current thinking. Thank you.

DEAR ABBY: I have a large extended family who all live a few states away. I didn't grow up with any of them, as I've never lived near them. I see or speak to them maybe once a decade. We don't exchange emails, and we aren't friends on Facebook. This isn't because I don't like them; they are pleasant strangers.

I get the impression that my limb of the family tree is perceived as the affluent one, and I sometimes receive life-event announcements from cousins and their children I haven't seen in years and don't know. In truth, I think I receive them only for the possibility of receiving something from me. Am I obligated to send a gift just because I received an invitation to events they know I will never attend -- such as graduations, baby showers, etc.? -- PURSUED RELATIVE

DEAR RELATIVE: You are not obligated to send a gift or money to people you have barely met. You are also not obligated to send gifts to people you haven't had contact with in a decade. The announcements should not, however, go unacknowledged. Send a nice card with a congratulatory note, and you may find yourself receiving fewer of these invitations as postage becomes increasingly expensive.

DEAR ABBY: I'm married to a great husband. We worked well together in our business. He's loyal, dependable, was a great stepfather when my son was young, etc.

When we were younger, we were always very busy working on the house, raising a family and starting a small business. My son is now grown and has moved away, the house needs little work, we no longer have the business and we both work part-time.

The problem is, we don't have the same interests. I do a lot alone or with friends, but many of them have moved or become very settled down. I rarely have anyone to do anything with unless it's something that interests my husband. It's hard to get him to do anything I want to do. He either complains or refuses.

Looking back, I think he was always like this, but we were too busy to notice. I feel very alone now. I feel like time is ticking by, and I'm wasting my life, my time, etc. Many days I think I should leave, but leaving would change our lifestyle dramatically. Sometimes I feel we only stay together for the lifestyle. I have tried to talk to him about this many times, but I get nowhere. Suggestions? -- TIME TICKS BY IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR TIME TICKS BY: You feel alone and adrift because you are. The glue that held your marriage together seems to have been your son, who is now grown and has moved away. It's time to ask yourself how important your "lifestyle" is.

It's possible that if you remain in this marriage, you can find what you are looking for by becoming more independent. Travel, join special interest clubs, cultivate new friends, take classes that interest you and live your life. You might also visit meetup.com to get involved in activities in your area with like-minded people.

There is no guarantee your husband will ever be the partner you fantasize he should be. Some sessions with a therapist might be useful to help you clarify your thinking, and that's what I'm suggesting.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old who wants to be an individual. My 10-year-old brother constantly copies me and mocks me, yet he gets upset whenever I point it out. The last straw was when I went through his YouTube and found almost all of the same music I like.

My parents always say I should be flattered, or he's just looking up to me. I am tired of it! He copies the things I say (and the way I say them), the music I like and my hobbies. It's very, very annoying, and I guarantee that is why he continues to do it.

I've tried telling him to stop, but somehow, in any conversation relating to that, I end up being the bad guy. Should I just throw away my entire collection of interests, enjoyments and hobbies? -- LOSING MY INDIVIDUALITY

DEAR LOSING: On the contrary. Accept that because you are older, you may always be the leader, and your younger brother will continue to follow you and mimic you. He may not do it to annoy you but because he lacks your imagination and interests of his own. Your mistake is letting what he does affect you. The sooner you overcome that impulse, the better off you will be. You may not be able to control your brother, but you can control the way you react to him, and that's a skill that will serve you well as you go through life.

DEAR ABBY: I'm part of a large, close-knit family. My mother and her sisters have condominiums in the same complex. One dear aunt is having a great deal of trouble with her memory and word retrieval. She recently stopped recognizing her daughter and no longer calls any of us by name.

The problem is, some of this aunt's children are in denial. They refuse to believe there's anything wrong with their mom and insist that she is showing signs of normal aging. They have stated this so strongly that the other siblings are afraid to raise the issue of an assessment for fear of angering them further. It is a very difficult family dynamic.

Normally, we wouldn't comment on or intervene in such a private matter. However, seeing my aunt deprived of a medical diagnosis and associated care that might alleviate her suffering, it is very hard to stay quiet. It may or may not be possible to reduce her symptoms, but it seems like it is elder abuse to rob her of the chance to try. Please advise. -- CONCERNED FOR AUNTIE

DEAR CONCERNED: Close family members are typically the first to notice memory issues or cognitive problems, but often they are hesitant to say something even when they know something is wrong. A recent Alzheimer's Association survey found that nearly 3 out of 4 Americans say talking to a close family member about memory loss, thinking problems or other signs of cognitive decline would be challenging.

Initiating these challenging conversations is important. Discussion can enable early diagnosis, which has important benefits, including better disease management, more time for critical care planning and providing diagnosed individuals a voice in their future care. It also provides an opportunity to address concerns before a crisis situation arises.

While our cognitive abilities decrease with age, your aunt's inability to recognize her own daughter is not a sign of normal aging. Helping relatives understand the seriousness of the situation as well as the important health benefits of receiving a proper diagnosis may convince them. If your aunt's children find it too difficult to have the conversation, another close relative, a friend perhaps, or her doctor can take the lead.

To encourage families to have these conversations, the Alzheimer's Association has partnered with the Ad Council in creating "Our Stories" (alz.org/ourstories). It features real stories of people who noticed changes in their loved ones and took the difficult step of having a conversation. It also offers customizable conversation starters, a list of early signs and symptoms of Alzheimer's, benefits of early diagnosis and a downloadable discussion help guide. In addition, the Alzheimer's Association's free 24/7 Helpline (800-272-3900) is available for families addressing these important conversations and other caregiving concerns.