life

New Relationship Founders on Sharing of Offensive Video

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 23rd, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: A casual friend sent me a video of a comic doing a very lewd and vulgar routine. I was offended by it and forwarded it to my girlfriend to find out what she thought about it. She got very upset and told me I was being disrespectful to her by even passing it on to her. I should add that we met online and have been talking on the phone with each other for only a month during this shelter-in-place time.

This incident nearly ended our new relationship. Was I wrong to send her the video? And what should I do now to save what I think is the most wonderful relationship I have ever had in my life? -- NO LAUGHING MATTER

DEAR NO LAUGHING: Before sending the video, you should have warned your new girlfriend that it was vulgar and asked if she wanted to see it, which would have given her the opportunity to refuse. What you should do now is apologize for having offended her and tell her how much you value your relationship with her. Then cross your fingers that she still feels the same.

Love & Dating
life

Wife Holds Onto Weight She Gained During Health Crisis

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 23rd, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My wife had some health issues over the last four years and gained 40 pounds. She keeps saying she wants to lose the weight, but doesn't do anything about it. Her blood pressure is high, so she needs to do it. When I try to bring it up, she gets mad and always mentions the health issues. But those issues are now totally behind her. What can I do or say to get her going again? -- FULL OF CONCERN IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR FULL: Tell your wife you don't mean to come across as a nag, but you are worried because of her blood pressure issue. She is far from the only person who procrastinates when faced with changing one's lifestyle.

Many folks are overindulging now because of the challenge of social isolation. Something that might benefit you both would be to encourage her to get out and start walking with you on a regular basis. And drop the subject of weight for now. Take it up again once your lives begin to normalize and she may be less defensive.

Health & SafetyMarriage & Divorce
life

Daughter Defies Social Distancing Guidelines

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 23rd, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My college-age daughter, "Dahlia," refuses to take seriously the social distancing necessary to control the spread of COVID-19, even though her college, like many others, has closed. She says it's all overblown, even though her father and I are older and she has a pregnant sister at home.

Dahlia is young, and she thinks she's invincible. I think my daughter is selfish for not caring about anyone else. What can I say to her? -- FOLLOWING THE RULES IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR FOLLOWING: Many people still are having trouble accepting the fact that we are all at risk because of an invisible and silent "enemy," COVID-19. Because you are unable to get through to Dahlia, assert yourself as the adult in the household and establish some rules to protect yourself, your husband, your pregnant daughter and your unborn grandchild. First among them: Dahlia must follow the government guidelines regarding social distancing, handwashing, etc. or find another place to live.

Family & ParentingHealth & Safety
life

Terms of Endearment Have Opposite Effect on Woman

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 22nd, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I are middle-aged. We have been together for 2 1/2 years. I love him, and I'm grateful for such a wonderful man at this point in my life. My problem is, he calls me "Sweet Baby" every single time he addresses me. ("Sweet Baby, what do you need help with?" "Sweet Baby, I am on my way." "What did you say, Sweet Baby?") Even when it comes to trying to be affectionate, he'll say, "You're my sweet baby, aren't you?" He asks this over and over and over, and then says, "You're my sweet baby."

Abby, I could probably take it occasionally, but his continuous use of it now makes me cringe. I hate it! I have told him how much I'd prefer for him to use my name, but he won't. He continues with the "Sweet Baby" in texts, calls, in person -- constantly. I'm starting to wonder if he's doing it deliberately.

He, in turn, likes being called "Big Daddy," but I won't do it. He's not my daddy, and I don't care for pet names.

How can one little thing like that be so annoying, to the point that I'm beginning to avoid him and visit him less? It breaks my heart because we can have such a good time together, but he is ruining it. I'm trying not to end a wonderful relationship. I feel that by ignoring my request, he is being rude. Your advice? -- CRINGING IN THE SOUTH

DEAR CRINGING: Your boyfriend may be following a script he has written in his head. Has it occurred to you that "Sweet Baby" may be what he has called ALL the women in his life -- which would make it less a term of endearment than rote recitation?

After two years of this, you should have made clear to him that "Sweet Baby" is not only not having the desired effect, but it's making you cringe. While you are at it, tell him plainly that you have an aversion to pet names like "Big Daddy" because one daddy was enough for you, and you neither want nor need another one.

If you can't communicate what you really feel, then indeed this romance isn't going to last, so you might as well speak up.

Love & Dating
life

Overheard Conversation May Reveal Teen's Secret

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 22nd, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My 14-year-old son and I recently went to visit family a few hours away. We stayed at my mother's home. My mother overheard him talking to his male friend about engaging in sexual activity with him. He thought everyone was asleep when she overheard the conversation.

I never suspected that my son might be gay or bi. She told me in private the next day. Should I say something to him about what she heard? I don't want to embarrass him, and my mother doesn't want him knowing what she heard. Should I keep quiet? -- CAUGHT BY SURPRISE IN TEXAS

DEAR CAUGHT: Your mother may have misinterpreted what she heard. Your son is at an age when he is trying to figure out who he is. I don't think it would be constructive to talk to him about what she told you, so bide your time. Let him know you love him and are always available to listen and talk with him about anything that might concern him. But the topic of his sexual orientation should be raised by him, not you.

Sex & GenderTeensFamily & Parenting
life

After 30 Years, First Love Reappears in Woman's Life

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 21st, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have come into contact with my first and forever love again after 30 years. We have had a few encounters throughout the years. When they happened, we fell right back into our comfort zone.

We both have current relationships with others that are not satisfying. We have both had failed relationships as well. No relationship I have ever been in compares to the one I have with this man. He's successful and buries himself in his work. Even though he never says it, I know in my heart he has hidden feelings toward me as well.

This man has held my heart my entire life. I never stopped loving him. Do I finally tell him how I feel and risk possibly losing him forever, or should I remain silent and enjoy the encounters we have when they happen? -- WANTS IT ALL IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR WANTS IT ALL: I think you should finally let this man know how you feel about him. If you do, it will either enable him to tell you he feels the same as you do, or stop you from fantasizing about a relationship that will never happen. If he is satisfied with the status quo, it doesn't necessarily mean these encounters will end, but at least you will know them for what they are.

Love & Dating
life

Anger Builds Under Mother's Constant Criticism

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 21st, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My mother has no faith in me, mostly because I have a disability. Even though it's not that bad, she still doesn't think I can do anything hard. Although I'm almost 40, she still tells me what to do and criticizes me in any way she can, including my parenting. I can't spend a day with her without wanting to come home and take a bat to the walls.

I have a lot of anger inside, and I don't trust her because she tends to tell her friends or family things I would rather were kept private. What can I do about this? -- IRRITATED IN ILLINOIS

DEAR IRRITATED: If this is any comfort, I receive letters with the same complaint as yours from readers who don't have disabilities. If your children are healthy and doing well and your mother's criticisms are baseless, my advice is to tune your probably well-meaning but overbearing mother out. Because she discusses things you confide in her with others, quit telling her anything you don't want broadcast. It's easier than trying to muzzle her. You might also consider seeing your mother less often, which could save your walls and the wear and tear on the bat you're tempted to use after those encounters.

Family & Parenting
life

New Word Is Kinder Label for Ex-Husband

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 21st, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I would like to propose a new word for general use. It's "wasband." Definition: male to whom I am no longer married. Reason: "Ex" seems a pejorative term. I didn't want to add that burden to the baggage our kids may have picked up.

I have used it since the mid-1990s. I began to think of a new term when I was in a social situation with my wasband, his wife and mutual friends. I bumped into a colleague and wasn't quick enough to think of a polite term for my former husband, so I could only introduce him as "the father of my children." I think "wasband" is a less awkward term. What do you think, Abby? -- LOVER OF LANGUAGE IN WASHINGTON

DEAR L.O.L.: I think it is clever. The term is listed in the Urban Dictionary, and because you started using it so early shows you are one smart cookie.

Marriage & Divorce

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