life

Mom Tries To Patch Rift Between Two Daughters

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 28th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have three beautiful daughters. The oldest moved to Wisconsin some years ago. About a year ago, my middle daughter went to visit her. My older daughter said something about politics that the younger one didn't like, and since then the younger one refuses to communicate with her, which is breaking my heart. My older daughter asked if I could help by talking to her. They used to be close and now this.

I tried talking to the younger one. She said she loves her older sister and for me to let her handle it. She promised she would contact her. It has been three months and -- nothing. What can I do? -- MOM REFEREE IN OREGON

DEAR MOM REFEREE: Too many things have become politicized lately, and it is to the detriment of relationships both personal and professional. If "change begins at home," let it start with you. Step back, stop counting the days and refuse to be put in the middle of this. Whatever their disagreement was, the problem is theirs to resolve, not yours.

Family & Parenting
life

Neighbor Is Miffed When Gift Card Goes Unacknowledged

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 28th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: A few months ago, new neighbors moved in next door. They have been very nice and helpful. I work a lot, so they have done things like grab packages or take care of little things like bringing in my trash can.

I have thanked them many times, but three weeks ago I decided to do something extra special. I bought a lovely thank-you card and put a $100 restaurant gift card inside. I knocked on their door and handed it to the husband.

Abby, I haven't received any type of thank-you from them. I don't want to seem petty, but part of me is hurt by their lack of acknowledgment. They have my number, and I'm obviously home at a certain hour of the day. Do you think that because they helped me out, they felt they deserved my gift and a thank-you wasn't necessary? I am at the point where I no longer want them to do anything for me. Am I being petty, or do I have a right to feel hurt? -- UNAPPRECIATED IN NEW YORK

DEAR UNAPPRECIATED: Yes, you are being petty. You are essentially bemoaning not getting a thank-you for a thank-you. Your neighbors may not have said anything because they were overwhelmed by your generosity. The next time you see the husband or the wife, ASK if your display of gratitude may have made them uncomfortable. But in the interest of good relations, please stop judging them as harshly as you have.

Etiquette & EthicsFriends & Neighbors
life

Sisters Seek a Home for Found Crucifix

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 28th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My sister was spring cleaning recently and came across a 14-karat gold crucifix pendant she had found in front of our family's house decades ago. Being nonreligious, my sister didn't know what to do with it. She didn't want to be disrespectful by improperly disposing of it, so she kept it. I offered it to someone I know, but she doesn't need another crucifix, so I'd like to know what should be done with it. Is there an organization that handles this sort of thing? -- RESPECTFULLY NOT RELIGIOUS

DEAR R.N.R.: If selling the crucifix doesn't interest you, contact the nearest Christian church and talk to someone there about donating it so it can be given to someone who needs it, such as a recent convert or a newly confirmed young person. I am sure your offer would be appreciated.

Etiquette & Ethics
life

New Husband's Moodiness May Signal Deeper Trouble

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 27th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have a question about my daughter's new husband, "Brad." I haven't interfered with their marriage and don't want to, but he seems very moody and barely speaks to me. Just when I think I've found a common topic, on the next visit four or five weeks later, he doesn't say a word.

During my last visit, he got very upset with my daughter because a piece of chicken fell out of his wrap while she was tasting it. She apologized twice, but her eyes were watering when I walked into the room. I wanted so badly to just hug her and ask Brad "What's wrong with you?" I have heard his tone before. Should I do anything? -- QUESTIONING IN THE SOUTH

DEAR QUESTIONING: If Brad has behaved this way before when you were visiting, is it possible that your visit was inconvenient for him? Could they be having marital problems?

I don't think it would qualify as interference to ask your daughter how often her husband gets upset over things as trivial as a piece of chicken spilling out of his wrap. Exploding over something so insignificant could be an indication that there is a larger problem that hasn't been dealt with. It also would not be interfering to let your daughter know that if this happens often, it isn't normal, and that you are -- and always will be -- there for her if she feels she needs it.

Marriage & DivorceFamily & Parenting
life

Pandemic Restrictions Prevent Attendance at Close Friend's Funeral

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 27th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: A friend died in a state that has restrictions on gathering for funerals because of the pandemic. Only those in the household, the mortuary staff and a pastor or other religious officiant can be present at the funeral.

This was a good friend, Abby, someone I had known for 35 years. He and his wife, also a longtime friend, were in my wedding party. The sudden loss of this friend saddens me, and it grieves me that I cannot offer condolences in person or attend the funeral or support his widow in person. Other readers may also be facing this quandary. Do you have any suggestions? -- GRIEVING ON THE EAST COAST

DEAR GRIEVING: Ask your friend's widow if the funeral home can stream the funeral service to friends and extended family who are unable to attend in person. Call her, extend your condolences, and ask if she needs your help or if she is planning to have a memorial you can attend once the quarantine is lifted.

While you're at it, ask if she would like a contribution in her late husband's name made to a particular organization. Do not send flowers without first asking because she may be inundated. And, of course, continue calling to check on her, lift her spirits and allow her to vent if she needs to, which may help her to feel less isolated and vulnerable.

Friends & NeighborsDeath
life

Wife Longs for Alone Time in the Bathroom

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 27th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have a question about privacy. No matter when I am in the restroom, my husband feels the need to come in and hang out. Every single day. I have mentioned over and over that I would prefer some privacy, but he won't listen. I mean, come on, is nothing sacred? What gives? -- EXPOSED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR EXPOSED: You have my sympathy. Your husband either doesn't respect your need for privacy or has an insatiable desire for a captive audience. The solution to your problem may be as simple as a sturdy lock on your bathroom door.

Etiquette & EthicsMarriage & Divorce
life

Man's Unsure Mental Health Clouds Vision of the Future

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 26th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I recently started dating again after ending a very difficult marriage. To say I am guarding my heart for fear of getting hurt would be an understatement.

I have met someone that I can see having a future with, but some things concern me. He has been hospitalized for mental health reasons in the past. He's constantly saying, "I'm sorry I'm so screwed up" or remarking about being "crazy." He mentions his depression almost daily, and he hates being, as he puts it, "messed up in the head." He just can't seem to move past his issues.

I feel like he doesn't want to move forward and start living his life again. I have lived with depression for most of my life, but it doesn't define who I am. If I don't respond to his calls or messages right away, he gets hurt and assumes I'm mad at him.

My question is, am I being overly cautious based on not wanting to get hurt again, or should I take a step back? I would like to see a future with him, but I'm not sure he is ready to see any kind of a future with anyone. -- GUARDED HEART

DEAR GUARDED HEART: You are not being overly cautious. You are asking yourself intelligent, insightful questions about someone who appears not as far along on the path to mental wellness as you are. Is this man still being treated for his issues? If not, he should be encouraged to talk with a licensed mental health professional not only about his depression, but also his glaring lack of self-esteem.

From your description, I would have to say he needs a friend now more than a romance, so take plenty of time if you proceed in this relationship. If he makes progress, see where things lead. If not, then in light of your own history, it might be better for you to find someone who is stronger.

Mental HealthMarriage & DivorceLove & Dating
life

Girlfriend Learns Man Is Still Married

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 26th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a six-year relationship. About two years into it, I found out that "Wayne" was separated, but not divorced, from his wife of 20 years. The fact that they are separated is not the issue. They live together and do things as a married couple. The wife and I have met each other several times, and I have gone to his children's graduation parties and family weddings.

He has told me every year that this is the year he will file for divorce, but it still hasn't happened. I don't know why he is holding on because I do not believe they are intimate. Their children are adults, so there is nothing keeping them together. He tells me he can't live without me, but his actions have proven otherwise. Do you think they are in an open marriage? Is there any hope for our future together? -- WASTING TIME IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR WASTING TIME: Not at the rate you are going. I suspect the reason Wayne hasn't followed through and filed for divorce may be financial. He and his wife may also like things just the way they are because they can maintain their social life, he's comfortable at home and he has you to sleep with, which may be a relief to her. You have my sympathy, but I think you have invested enough time. What's going on is unfair to you. This romance was based on dishonesty on his part, and you deserve more than you have been getting.

Marriage & DivorceLove & Dating

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