life

Seeing Son's Killer Go Free Opens Old Wounds for Family

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 23rd, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My son was murdered four years ago by a supposed friend. Despite a 10-year sentence, the murderer was released from prison this month.

The perpetrator and my son had some mutual friends. When I go onto the convicted manslaughterer's Facebook page, he has many people congratulating and welcoming him home.

The murderer has not once apologized or shown remorse. He was on home incarceration for six months before he was sentenced for manslaughter, and during that time, he impregnated his girlfriend instead of thinking about the devastation he's caused my family. My son will NEVER have a family.

Instead of announcing to his Facebook friends and family that he's on his way home and that he is home, I feel he should keep his mouth shut and live a quiet life. I cannot believe that murderers and rapists receive respect and congratulations once they reenter society. Do people not recognize the devastation that has been caused to surviving family members of the victim? Or do they no longer care until something like this affects them and their families? -- HURT AGAIN IN KENTUCKY

DEAR HURT AGAIN: Please accept my sympathy for the tragic loss of your son. Nothing can take away the pain of losing a child, let alone at the hand of another person. The family and friends of the person who killed your son appear to have lost sight of the reason for his incarceration. But viewed from another perspective, they are happy to have their loved one back with them, which is why they are posting welcome messages.

A resource that might help you is the National Organization of Parents of Murdered Children Inc. You can find it by going to pomc.com. I hope you will give it a try. My heart goes out to you.

Death
life

Argument Erupts in Line to Use ATM

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 23rd, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Sometimes the simplest situations make me wonder the most. Recently we needed to use the local ATM. When we drove by, we could see it was being filled by an armored truck. My husband said I should get in line. I looked around and saw other people waiting in their cars, so I thought I would do the same. My husband repeated that I should get out and get in line. Faced with the choice of standing in line or being nagged by my husband, I chose the former and was the first person to form a line.

After 20 minutes standing there and reading the news on my phone, the ATM guards seemed to be finished. That's when a woman approached me and said she had been waiting longer than me, albeit in her car, and I would have to go to the end of the line. I ignored her.

Soon, a guard motioned to me that the ATM was available. As I was making my withdrawal, I could hear the woman say to the others now lined up behind her that I had jumped the line and she called me an expletive, which two others in line repeated. Was I wrong to have stood my ground, or should I have moved to the back? -- WAITING IN TEXAS

DEAR WAITING: If you were the first person to stand at the ATM while others chose to wait in the comfort of their vehicles, you owed no one an apology. The person who was out of line (literally) was the woman who called you an expletive, and you were right to ignore her.

Etiquette & Ethics
life

Widower Grasps for Ways To Fill Void Left by Wife

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 22nd, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My beautiful wife just passed away from ovarian cancer. She was only 48. She was my perfect life partner for 28 years and everything in the world to me. We shared every day together. I didn't have any hobbies or guy friends; all I ever wanted was to be with her.

I'm not asking for help with grief, as there is no getting over what happened. But I became so emotionally dependent on her that I find myself like an addict in withdrawal. Because of this, I'm afraid I will appear to be desperate if I even talk to another woman. I need someone in my life. I just don't know how to get from hollow to whole again.

Please help me figure out how to let someone know I would be a good and faithful partner without hanging a sign around my neck that says "Desperate!" -- IN NEED OF SOMEONE

DEAR IN NEED: Allow me to offer my deepest sympathy for the loss of your beloved wife, but please don't jump the gun. Before searching for another wife, it's important you figure out the boundary between where you left off and your wife began.

While the closeness you shared was a special gift, I urge you to allow yourself time to heal from this great loss. By that, I am not implying that you should go into seclusion. Quite the contrary. But instead of searching for someone to fill the hole in your life, it would be healthier to start by looking for friends. Friends are easy to talk to, and from friendships deeper relationships develop.

Explore activities that interest you, whether they be sports-related, continuing your education, the arts, volunteer work. If you get stuck, ask for a referral to a grief support group or a therapist. You WILL get through this, but it will take time for the ache to subside. Have faith, accept it, go slow and you won't regret it.

Love & DatingDeath
life

Teen in Quarantine Stops Wearing Pants

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 22nd, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "Jay," has a 14-year-old daughter who has been home-schooling during the quarantine, and she refuses to put pants on. When we ask her to, she gets upset. She isn't built like the average teenager. Abby, she's 5'10" and weighs 200 pounds, so it's like seeing a grown woman in her underwear.

I think it's inappropriate for a young woman her age to be unwilling to dress herself fully, and I don't like seeing her like that every time I go to their house. Jay doesn't notice. He says it doesn't bother him, and he doesn't mind when I ask her to put shorts on. I don't feel it's my place at this point to dictate what she wears, but I'm uncomfortable. I don't know if I'm crossing a line or if it's normal to feel this way. Help! -- DIDN'T THINK I WAS A PRUDE

DEAR DIDN'T: Your fiance is OK with his daughter's attire in their home. If your engagement to Jay leads to marriage, you will be living there permanently, so your opinion should be respected. Someone has to have "the talk" with your fiance's daughter about the fact she's no longer a child; she has become a young woman. The person to do that is her father. The message would be better coming from him because you're not her parent, and it may help you avoid being perceived as the "wicked stepmother-to-be."

TeensFamily & Parenting
life

Man Ready To Move On From His Erratic Ex-Girlfriend

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 21st, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend and I split up, but she doesn't want to tell anyone or change stuff on Facebook. When I told her that, for now, I just want to be friends, she got mad at me for changing the password on my account. She can get mean and hateful when she doesn't get her way, and she keeps bringing up my past and won't let it go.

She wants to get back together. We have broken up and gotten back together several times. This time, though, I'm not sure I want to. I love her, but I don't know how much more I can take. She tells me she's sorry every time she calls me names or is mean and thinks that it will fix everything. When I told her it wouldn't, she threatened to block me if I put "single" on my profile. Please give me some advice. I don't think this is healthy, and I don't know what to do. -- CONFUSED IN KENTUCKY

DEAR CONFUSED: Listen to your gut, which is telling you this romance isn't healthy. There's a reason the two of you have broken up repeatedly. Your ex-girlfriend is verbally abusive and controlling, and she threatens you.

Go ahead and post on your profile that you are single, and if she blocks you, so be it. The first step to healing your wounded heart will be to start meeting others. Give it a try, and you will find it's very effective.

AbuseLove & Dating
life

Many Hand-Washing Techniques Are Needlessly Wasteful

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 21st, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: There are many videos about proper hand-washing on the internet as well as video clips that have been aired on television demonstrating the proper technique. But just about everyone I have seen leaves the water running the whole time they are washing their hands. I don't think it is a good idea to try to teach people, especially young children, a technique that is so wasteful.

There's no reason for the water to be running all the time someone is washing their hands or brushing their teeth because that water just goes right down the drain. While it's very important that everybody wash their hands to prevent viruses from spreading, it is also important to recognize that water is a precious resource. Care should be taken not to waste it. -- ENVIRONMENTALIST IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR ENVIRONMENTALIST: You are right, which is why I am printing your timely reminder. In the Southwest, where drought is common, the importance of water conservation is a fact of life. Because I was surprised to receive a letter from New Jersey on this subject, I went online and learned to my surprise that starting in 2001-2002, there was a drought that lasted 55 weeks in your state.

Folks, because water is not an infinite resource, be prudent. And I'm not just suggesting you be mindful when washing your hands and brushing your teeth. It's also important to consider when rinsing dishes and -- men -- shaving once the quarantine is lifted.

Etiquette & EthicsHealth & Safety
life

Happy Father's Day!

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 21st, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR READERS: Today I wish a Happy Father's Day to fathers everywhere -- birth fathers, stepfathers, adoptive and foster fathers, grandfathers and all of those caring men who mentor children and fill the role of absent dads.

P.S. And a big shout-out to dual-role moms. I applaud you all.

Holidays & Celebrations

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