life

Widower Grasps for Ways To Fill Void Left by Wife

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 22nd, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My beautiful wife just passed away from ovarian cancer. She was only 48. She was my perfect life partner for 28 years and everything in the world to me. We shared every day together. I didn't have any hobbies or guy friends; all I ever wanted was to be with her.

I'm not asking for help with grief, as there is no getting over what happened. But I became so emotionally dependent on her that I find myself like an addict in withdrawal. Because of this, I'm afraid I will appear to be desperate if I even talk to another woman. I need someone in my life. I just don't know how to get from hollow to whole again.

Please help me figure out how to let someone know I would be a good and faithful partner without hanging a sign around my neck that says "Desperate!" -- IN NEED OF SOMEONE

DEAR IN NEED: Allow me to offer my deepest sympathy for the loss of your beloved wife, but please don't jump the gun. Before searching for another wife, it's important you figure out the boundary between where you left off and your wife began.

While the closeness you shared was a special gift, I urge you to allow yourself time to heal from this great loss. By that, I am not implying that you should go into seclusion. Quite the contrary. But instead of searching for someone to fill the hole in your life, it would be healthier to start by looking for friends. Friends are easy to talk to, and from friendships deeper relationships develop.

Explore activities that interest you, whether they be sports-related, continuing your education, the arts, volunteer work. If you get stuck, ask for a referral to a grief support group or a therapist. You WILL get through this, but it will take time for the ache to subside. Have faith, accept it, go slow and you won't regret it.

Love & DatingDeath
life

Teen in Quarantine Stops Wearing Pants

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 22nd, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "Jay," has a 14-year-old daughter who has been home-schooling during the quarantine, and she refuses to put pants on. When we ask her to, she gets upset. She isn't built like the average teenager. Abby, she's 5'10" and weighs 200 pounds, so it's like seeing a grown woman in her underwear.

I think it's inappropriate for a young woman her age to be unwilling to dress herself fully, and I don't like seeing her like that every time I go to their house. Jay doesn't notice. He says it doesn't bother him, and he doesn't mind when I ask her to put shorts on. I don't feel it's my place at this point to dictate what she wears, but I'm uncomfortable. I don't know if I'm crossing a line or if it's normal to feel this way. Help! -- DIDN'T THINK I WAS A PRUDE

DEAR DIDN'T: Your fiance is OK with his daughter's attire in their home. If your engagement to Jay leads to marriage, you will be living there permanently, so your opinion should be respected. Someone has to have "the talk" with your fiance's daughter about the fact she's no longer a child; she has become a young woman. The person to do that is her father. The message would be better coming from him because you're not her parent, and it may help you avoid being perceived as the "wicked stepmother-to-be."

TeensFamily & Parenting
life

Man Ready To Move On From His Erratic Ex-Girlfriend

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 21st, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend and I split up, but she doesn't want to tell anyone or change stuff on Facebook. When I told her that, for now, I just want to be friends, she got mad at me for changing the password on my account. She can get mean and hateful when she doesn't get her way, and she keeps bringing up my past and won't let it go.

She wants to get back together. We have broken up and gotten back together several times. This time, though, I'm not sure I want to. I love her, but I don't know how much more I can take. She tells me she's sorry every time she calls me names or is mean and thinks that it will fix everything. When I told her it wouldn't, she threatened to block me if I put "single" on my profile. Please give me some advice. I don't think this is healthy, and I don't know what to do. -- CONFUSED IN KENTUCKY

DEAR CONFUSED: Listen to your gut, which is telling you this romance isn't healthy. There's a reason the two of you have broken up repeatedly. Your ex-girlfriend is verbally abusive and controlling, and she threatens you.

Go ahead and post on your profile that you are single, and if she blocks you, so be it. The first step to healing your wounded heart will be to start meeting others. Give it a try, and you will find it's very effective.

AbuseLove & Dating
life

Many Hand-Washing Techniques Are Needlessly Wasteful

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 21st, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: There are many videos about proper hand-washing on the internet as well as video clips that have been aired on television demonstrating the proper technique. But just about everyone I have seen leaves the water running the whole time they are washing their hands. I don't think it is a good idea to try to teach people, especially young children, a technique that is so wasteful.

There's no reason for the water to be running all the time someone is washing their hands or brushing their teeth because that water just goes right down the drain. While it's very important that everybody wash their hands to prevent viruses from spreading, it is also important to recognize that water is a precious resource. Care should be taken not to waste it. -- ENVIRONMENTALIST IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR ENVIRONMENTALIST: You are right, which is why I am printing your timely reminder. In the Southwest, where drought is common, the importance of water conservation is a fact of life. Because I was surprised to receive a letter from New Jersey on this subject, I went online and learned to my surprise that starting in 2001-2002, there was a drought that lasted 55 weeks in your state.

Folks, because water is not an infinite resource, be prudent. And I'm not just suggesting you be mindful when washing your hands and brushing your teeth. It's also important to consider when rinsing dishes and -- men -- shaving once the quarantine is lifted.

Etiquette & EthicsHealth & Safety
life

Happy Father's Day!

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 21st, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR READERS: Today I wish a Happy Father's Day to fathers everywhere -- birth fathers, stepfathers, adoptive and foster fathers, grandfathers and all of those caring men who mentor children and fill the role of absent dads.

P.S. And a big shout-out to dual-role moms. I applaud you all.

Holidays & Celebrations
life

Husband Unsure How To Reveal Sexual Orientation to Spouse

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 20th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married for a year. Recently, I have been questioning my sexuality and have realized that I am gay. I have been trying to think of different ways of telling her, but I don't want to hurt her. Please help. -- COMING OUT IN OHIO

DEAR COMING OUT: You are right: You must tell your wife, and the sooner, the better. She may -- or may not -- be shocked and possibly angry. During the talk, make clear that this has nothing to do with her, her attractiveness or femininity. Afterward, suggest she contact the Straight Spouse Network for support if she feels the need. It's an organization founded many years ago by Amity Pierce Buxton, Ph.D., to support heterosexual spouses of LGBTQ mates. Your wife can find it online at straightspouse.org, and I highly recommend it.

Sex & GenderMarriage & Divorce
life

Grandma Refuses To Cut Ties With Son's Former Stepchildren

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 20th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My son has been married three times. After each divorce, he has expected me to distance myself from the ex's children. I have been Grandma to them, and this is driving us apart. My son says it's them or him! I'm heartbroken and want to maintain a relationship with both. Help! -- FOREVER GRANDMA

DEAR GRANDMA: That your son would deny his stepchildren contact with a loving grandmother because he's angry with their mother is terrible. You may wish to maintain a relationship with them, but because of your son's current mindset, it may not be possible.

Since you asked me to weigh in, my advice is to stop sitting on the fence. Maintain a relationship with them regardless of their "step" status. They need you. They need the validation that they are loved, which you can provide. As to your inflexible son, I can see why he has such terrible luck with women. It appears he still has a lot of growing up to do.

Marriage & DivorceFamily & Parenting
life

Introvert Longs To Pull the Plug on Long Phone Calls

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 20th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am an introvert, which may be hard to believe since I am the sixth child in a family of 10. I enjoy talking with my siblings. My problem is how to handle people who call and think I should be happy to chat about nothing of interest to me. During the pandemic this has become a major problem. -- NOT INTERESTED IN VIRGINIA

DEAR NOT INTERESTED: Your problem isn't unique. During this period of social isolation, social contact can be crucial in combatting depression. I'm hearing from people who say, "Every day is exactly the same as the last one. I have nothing to say to my spouse, my children, my friends, etc. I'm bored stiff, and I have become a boring person."

It is important that you allot some time to those who are reaching out, but it doesn't mean you must be a prisoner to long conversations. Tell the caller you're glad they are adjusting and maintaining their sanity. If you see something noteworthy on television, in your online research or a book you are reading, share it. But no law says you must remain on these phone calls for long periods or participate in them every day. Consider rationing them instead.

Mental HealthEtiquette & EthicsFriends & Neighbors

Subscribe

Receive Dear Abby Free Every Day


Next up: More trusted advice from...

  • September Sunshine
  • Talking to Strangers
  • Up North With Mom and Dad
  • Toy Around
  • A Clean Getaway
  • Patio Appeal
  • Father Questions Son's Therapy Treatments
  • Fiancée's Devotion to Start-Up Frustrates, Worries Loved Ones
  • Father's Ex-Mistress Is Back in Town
UExpressLifeParentingHomePetsHealthAstrologyOdditiesA-Z
AboutContactSubmissionsTerms of ServicePrivacy Policy
©2023 Andrews McMeel Universal