life

Stepmom Goes a Step Too Far Claiming Children as Her Own

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 30th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My former husband had an affair years ago, and when our divorce was final, he married the woman he was involved with. I'll call her "Libby."

Although I have moved on, it bothers me when she refers to my children as "her children." I have asked her to stop, but she continues to talk about "her daughter" and "her son" and insists it's a term of endearment and it shouldn't bother me. My children don't like Libby, so if she's trying to get the world to believe they're one big happy family, it isn't working.

I think it's rude of her to insist on telling people that these are her children. It's as if Libby not only took my husband, but she's also claiming to be the mother of my children. How should I handle this wretched person who refuses to get it? -- REAL MOM IN KENTUCKY

DEAR MOM: Libby gets it, and she may persist in doing it in order to get your goat. But this is not a battle you should pick. It's possible "Stepmom" may simply be trying to acknowledge her role in the parenting equation.

Marriage & DivorceFamily & Parenting
life

Co-Workers Skip Hand-Washing in the Restroom

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 30th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Is it appropriate to confront someone in a restroom about not washing their hands, whether at work or in public? I noticed at work that some of my co-workers walk right past the sink or rinse their hands with water for a second and then leave. I think washing your hands thoroughly with soap is more important now than ever, and not washing hands is a health hazard. -- WATCHING THE WASHING IN TEXAS

DEAR WATCHING: You are right. It is a health hazard. Everyone should realize that fact in light of the current health crisis. According to the Mayo Clinic, unwashed hands are spreaders of disease, which is why medical personnel and workers in the food industry are urged to be diligent about it.

That said, I don't think it would be prudent for you to assume the parental role and remind your co-workers to wash their hands after using the bathroom. You might, however, suggest to your boss, once people are no longer working remotely, that it would be wise to issue a memo about the importance of frequent hand-washing.

Health & SafetyEtiquette & EthicsWork & School
life

Welcome Mat Isn't Out for Sister Woman Never Liked

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 30th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My sister, "Camille," and I have almost nothing in common. She lives far from where I do. We have seen each other infrequently over the years, but when we have, she has always dropped a nasty comment or two, ridiculing me or my husband or our lifestyle.

She recently took early retirement and wants to come for a visit. Another sister says Camille is much more relaxed now because working full-time was very stressful for her. I gave up on a relationship with her long ago, and I have no desire to see or entertain her. We didn't even like each other as children. Yet, I'm feeling guilty about saying no to her visit. Is it OK to draw the line on contact with a family member? -- LEAVE ME ALONE IN WASHINGTON

DEAR LEAVE: Yes, it is. And it is also OK to tell her exactly why.

Family & Parenting
life

Teen in Quarantine Worries About Staying Close to Beau

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 29th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a little over five months. We have enjoyed spending time with each other, but we never have deep, meaningful conversations, and I feel that it's negatively impacting our relationship.

Because of the coronavirus quarantine, we can't see each other because we are still in our teens and don't live together. If we don't start having conversations that mean something to either of us over the phone, I'm afraid we'll break up before we are allowed to see each other again. Please give me some advice. -- STUCK IN QUARANTINE

DEAR STUCK: You may be worrying needlessly. Stop for a moment and ask yourself what kind of conversations you had with your boyfriend before the pandemic. How deep were they?

Express how you have been feeling lately, but, if you can, try to keep your conversations upbeat. Share stories and videos with him that make you laugh. If he wants to discuss his concerns, be prepared to listen, but don't push him in that direction. Space your calls so there will be something fresh to talk about. And always end your chats by telling how much you care about him, which will probably make him smile.

TeensLove & Dating
life

Relative Wants to Stay Close, but Not Too Close, to Abusive Family

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 29th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have several adult nieces and nephews whose dysfunctional upbringing makes them react in a very hostile and aggressive manner to anyone they perceive as disagreeing with them. They verbally abuse anyone they view as opposing them. They have so alienated their parent's new spouse that they are no longer welcome in that parent's home at any time, for any reason.

I would like to remain on semi-friendly terms with them, but I am unwilling to accept their verbal abuse. Is there any way this can be fixed? -- DISTANCING IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR DISTANCING: Unless your nieces and nephews are willing to accept that they have anger management issues that need addressing, this isn't a problem that anyone other than a licensed professional can fix. If one of them unleashes a tirade on you, calmly point out that you prefer not to be abused and end the conversation by absenting yourself. Do it once, and I guarantee the word will spread.

Family & ParentingAbuse
life

Domineering Conversationalist Wears Out His Wife

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 29th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm at my wits' end. I love my husband, but when we have company, he dominates the conversation, usually repeating the same stories over and over. If friends and family tell him they've heard the story before, he just ignores the remark and continues.

He is retired, and I realize he doesn't socialize enough. His health has not been the best. By the end of the evening, I am worn out. What can I do? -- PAIN IN HOSTING

DEAR PAIN: That your husband is retired and isolated may contribute to his problem. As soon as it's feasible, encourage him to get out of the house and involve himself in some new activities where he can put his talents and experience to good use. However, if his repetitiveness is new behavior, this should be discussed with his doctor so he can be evaluated, because it could indicate the onset of a medical or neurological problem. 

Marriage & DivorceEtiquette & EthicsHealth & Safety
life

Wife Can't Shake Distrust of Husband Caught in a Lie

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 28th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are 58 and getting ready to celebrate our first wedding anniversary. We knew each other in college, but were just friends back then. After college, we married others and raised children. We stayed married to our spouses for close to 30 years.

We reconnected eight years ago, started an affair and divorced our partners. Neither of us is proud of this. My adult children have accepted my husband. His refused to accept me, and only one of them has a relationship with him.

He was out of town recently, and I caught him in a lie about having invited a female former colleague to lunch with him. I was shocked and hurt because this is how our relationship started. He has apologized, but I can't get over the fact he lied to me, and it has caused a rift between us. He has always been honest with me, so I wonder why he lied about this woman.

I know I'm in no position to judge others. I can't afford counseling, and we don't belong to a church for spiritual help. I suffer from depression and anxiety (I am under the care of a doctor and take medication) but cannot shake the sadness. How can I ever trust my husband again? -- HURTING HEART IN THE MOUNTAINS

DEAR HURTING HEART: In light of the way your affair with your husband began, he may have lied because he was afraid of upsetting you. A way to start this very necessary conversation would be to tell him how shaken you are that he wasn't truthful and try to get him to explain why he thought he had to lie. You should also ask if he thinks there is anything awry in your marriage.

If he tells you nothing is wrong and there is nothing he would change, believe him. However, if after that, you are still feeling insecure, ask the doctor who is treating your depression and anxiety to suggest some low-cost mental health/counseling services in your community.

Marriage & DivorceFamily & ParentingMental Health
life

Dogs Come Between Man and His Fiancee

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 28th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I need your advice about a problem I'm facing with a man I've been dating almost four years. When I met "Jeff," he had two older Yorkshire terriers. Both were very territorial and relieved themselves in the house. I told him I was concerned about moving in with him because of his out-of-control dogs, and he understood. They were older dogs, and I knew one day they would pass, so I waited patiently.

Then Jeff's neighbor passed away, leaving a dog. He adopted that dog, and it has become a bigger issue than the first two. The new dog is very aggressive. It tries to bite me and won't let me into certain rooms in the house! I expressed my concern to Jeff, but nothing has been done.

We are currently engaged but living separately. I told Jeff that we need to live together before getting married, so I gave him an ultimatum -- try to find a home for the new dog and I'll move in.

That was two years ago, and nothing has been done. At this point, I suspect that he adopted the third dog without me knowing in order to prevent me from moving in. I feel like he chose the new dog over me! What do I do? -- OVERLOOKED HUMAN IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR OVERLOOKED HUMAN: Listen to your intuition and accept that where you are concerned, Jeff has a commitment problem. If he wanted you to live with him, he would not have taken in an aggressive animal. Without saying it in words, he is sending you a strong message. From where I sit, you may have devoted enough time to a romance that's going nowhere. Give Jeff a choice: Kennel train the dog or the romance is over.

Love & Dating

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