DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have a dilemma we don't know how to handle. We both recently retired. Our sons (both married with children) live in other states. Since my wife and I no longer have family here, we are going to move close to one of our sons. Our dilemma: They both want us to move near them, but they are 2,000 miles apart.

Both of the states they live in are similar in terms of taxes, home prices, cost of living, etc. We have decided where we would like to go and found a home to purchase. How do we tell our other son why we moved where we did? He's going to be very hurt and feel that we favor his brother, which couldn't be further from the truth. Both are financially stable (as are my wife and I), so that is not an issue.

I'm sure many people would feel blessed to have two sons who both want their parents close by. How do we tell one we picked the other? -- NEARBY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR NEARBY: Do not tell either brother that you picked the one you did. You chose a location.

Why did you arrive at the decision you did? Make a list of the reasons you made your choice and recite them when you are asked. You are all adults. Your reasons are valid ones, and this should not be couched in terms of one son being loved better than the other, which is childish.

DEAR ABBY: Seven years ago, I found out my husband hadn't paid our mortgage and credit card bills for more than two years, and our home of 23 years was in preforeclosure. Once the secret was out, we managed to save the house (thankfully).

Problem is, I no longer trust my husband and often doubt what he says. My priority was to save our home, but now I am no longer sure I want to stay with him. Our 40th anniversary is this year, but I feel bitter and resentful about his irresponsible decisions. I want to leave, but I'm scared I am making the wrong decision. Help, please. -- MIXED UP IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR MIXED UP: Because I have no idea why your husband behaved so irresponsibly, you need to hash this out with a licensed marriage and family therapist. You should also consult an attorney. IF you decide to stay, it is imperative that you be in a position to closely monitor any financial actions and obligations in your household.

DEAR ABBY: I like to jump on our neighbors' trampoline when they're out of town. I have been doing it for decades. Normally it's no big deal, but last weekend they returned home earlier than usual and caught me in the act. Now my wife is ashamed to show her face around the neighborhood, and she's blaming me for the whole thing.

Abby, I have a simple solution to this mess. If the neighbors don't want me jumping on their trampoline, they should cough up the money for a privacy fence. Don't you agree? -- BOUNCING INTO TROUBLE

DEAR BOUNCING: If you are so jumpy and can't keep your feet on the ground, it may be time to buy your own trampoline, which would save your wife a world of embarrassment.

Your comment about the neighbors building a fence may have been offered in jest, but it is sensible. If someone's child were to play on that trampoline in their absence and be injured, your neighbor could wind up paying a lot more than the cost of a fence.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 39-year-old woman, recently separated. I have been seeing a 45-year-old man who is also separated, but not divorced from his wife. We have been a couple for about a year. I don't understand why he doesn't get a divorce.

When his wife (who has also been seeing someone for more than a year) found out we were seeing each other, it got ugly. She came to our place of employment (her ex and I work in the same place, different departments) and tried to get me fired. Fortunately, she was unsuccessful, and she tried to get physical. She told me she is his wife -- she told him as well -- and said she tells him what to do, and she "owns him." At that point I had to stop seeing him.

After a month apart, I became really depressed, and we hooked back up. We go out and enjoy each other's company, and the sex is AMAZING. He told me he has never felt like this with any other woman nor has he ever introduced anyone to his daughter (who loves me dearly). We are taking things slower and more carefully, but I am falling in love.

He tells me he misses me when we are intimate and how grateful he is for me, but it isn't enough. I want more, but I don't want to scare him away. Is this a dead end? Should I be patient, or should I just walk away? -- IT'S COMPLICATED IN THE EAST

DEAR COMPLICATED: I have to wonder why, after a year, you are not in the process of being divorced. You also need some straight answers about what keeps this man under his wife's thumb. The woman appears to have serious mental issues. Is the reason financial? Emotional? Once you know, you will have a better idea of what to do.

I am troubled by the fact that your boyfriend's wife is so volatile. As it stands, that woman is controlling not only him but also you, and that's not healthy.

DEAR ABBY: I was raised in a very strict household. At 19, I left home and never looked back. Today, I am 54, divorced and own my own home.

My mother passed away, and my father moved in with me a few months ago because he didn't like living alone. I have had to make several adjustments to accommodate him.

The problem is, he's extremely traditional and refuses to change his way of thinking where I am concerned. In his eyes, I am still his child, and I should respect and abide by his rules.

I have a boyfriend who lives several miles away. When he visits, I would like him to spend the night with me in my room. My dad insists (demands) that my boyfriend sleep on the couch or in the guest bedroom. He has informed me that it is my choice, but if I don't abide by his wishes (demands), he will refuse to talk with my boyfriend, which undoubtedly will cause stress in my relationship.

I have told my father that I am a grown woman and that I refuse to give up my freedom to accommodate him in this area. After all, this is my home. How should I handle this? -- ALL GROWN UP IN ARKANSAS

DEAR ALL GROWN: If you knuckle under to Dear Old Dad's demands, you are making a big mistake. Sit him down, "remind" him that you are no longer a little girl and if he cannot accept that you are an adult with needs of your own and be respectful to your boyfriend, he will no longer be welcome to live under your roof. Do not try to placate him or you will be living the rest of your father's life in a second childhood, and it won't be a happy one.

DEAR ABBY: My grandson, his girlfriend and, recently, my son (who had to move in) are living with me. She is the only one working. My grandson has been sitting on his butt the last 2 1/2 years and does minimal work here in my home. All three of these "adults" live here for free. I am 79 and on a fixed income. I pay for everything.

They were supposed to be saving money so they could get a place of their own. That's a big joke. All they do is spend, spend, spend. They sleep all day and play games on their computers all night. I have seriously considered shutting off the internet (which I pay for) to see what they would do.

I have been talking to a counselor due to my stress and anger issues. The counselor has strongly advised me to evict them. My daughter told me if I do, I'll never see her or my two young grandchildren again. She means it.

I'm tired of being the caregiver. I feel used, but can't set boundaries very well. I'm also afraid of my 24-year-old grandson, who has terrible anger issues and who put his fist through a wall when I called him lazy. Should I put them out or, to keep peace in the family, continue to let them use me? -- USED UP

DEAR USED UP: There will never be peace in your family as long as you allow yourself to be held hostage by threats and intimidation. Your anger and boundary issues will resolve themselves if you act on the advice your therapist is giving you and evict these parasites.

First, discuss this with a lawyer to see what steps you must take, and because you fear your grandson will become violent, you may need help from the authorities to guarantee your safety from him when he goes. As to your daughter, I predict she'll keep the grandchildren from you only until she needs something -- so be prepared. And please, continue talking to your therapist, who seems to have more of your interests at heart than your family members.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are in our mid-40s with two kids (9 and 6). We are in the early stages of our estate planning, and of course the topic of who would look after our kids has been discussed.

Our first choice has lovingly agreed to have our kids join their family if my wife and I should die. However, many estate planning forms ask if there is a secondary option on who we want to be our children's guardians in case our primary choice can no longer fulfill that role. How do we tactfully ask our second choice if they are willing to be the backup? I worry that the couple may be offended that they aren't No. 1, and this may cause tension and seriously damage our relationship with them. -- PARENTS IN A PREDICAMENT

DEAR PARENTS: Do not offer apologies or explanations unless you must. Simply ask the backups if they would be willing to step in "should the need arise." If you are pressed about why they are not your first choice, answer honestly. Your reasons should be respected. This is not a popularity contest; it is a serious consideration for the future of your children.