DEAR ABBY: My grandson, his girlfriend and, recently, my son (who had to move in) are living with me. She is the only one working. My grandson has been sitting on his butt the last 2 1/2 years and does minimal work here in my home. All three of these "adults" live here for free. I am 79 and on a fixed income. I pay for everything.

They were supposed to be saving money so they could get a place of their own. That's a big joke. All they do is spend, spend, spend. They sleep all day and play games on their computers all night. I have seriously considered shutting off the internet (which I pay for) to see what they would do.

I have been talking to a counselor due to my stress and anger issues. The counselor has strongly advised me to evict them. My daughter told me if I do, I'll never see her or my two young grandchildren again. She means it.

I'm tired of being the caregiver. I feel used, but can't set boundaries very well. I'm also afraid of my 24-year-old grandson, who has terrible anger issues and who put his fist through a wall when I called him lazy. Should I put them out or, to keep peace in the family, continue to let them use me? -- USED UP

DEAR USED UP: There will never be peace in your family as long as you allow yourself to be held hostage by threats and intimidation. Your anger and boundary issues will resolve themselves if you act on the advice your therapist is giving you and evict these parasites.

First, discuss this with a lawyer to see what steps you must take, and because you fear your grandson will become violent, you may need help from the authorities to guarantee your safety from him when he goes. As to your daughter, I predict she'll keep the grandchildren from you only until she needs something -- so be prepared. And please, continue talking to your therapist, who seems to have more of your interests at heart than your family members.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are in our mid-40s with two kids (9 and 6). We are in the early stages of our estate planning, and of course the topic of who would look after our kids has been discussed.

Our first choice has lovingly agreed to have our kids join their family if my wife and I should die. However, many estate planning forms ask if there is a secondary option on who we want to be our children's guardians in case our primary choice can no longer fulfill that role. How do we tactfully ask our second choice if they are willing to be the backup? I worry that the couple may be offended that they aren't No. 1, and this may cause tension and seriously damage our relationship with them. -- PARENTS IN A PREDICAMENT

DEAR PARENTS: Do not offer apologies or explanations unless you must. Simply ask the backups if they would be willing to step in "should the need arise." If you are pressed about why they are not your first choice, answer honestly. Your reasons should be respected. This is not a popularity contest; it is a serious consideration for the future of your children.

DEAR ABBY: "Stella" and I have been close friends for 25 years. Two years ago, she was in a car accident and suffered a traumatic brain injury. She has since recovered and returned to work.

Stella's personality has changed a lot since the accident. Her language and clothing are inappropriate. At 65 years old, her wardrobe now consists of miniskirts, spike heels, over-the-knee lace-up boots, halter tops, etc. She says suggestive things to my boyfriend in front of me. He no longer wants to be around her. Most of Stella's friends have distanced themselves, and her husband has moved out of their home.

I remember how close we once were, and I don't want to end the friendship, but I don't think I can tolerate being around her. How can I help her and keep my sanity? -- TOO MUCH CHANGE IN TEXAS

DEAR TOO MUCH: Be gentle with Stella because her change may be beyond her control. Help her by trying to talk frankly with her. Explain how much her personality and image have changed since the accident, and that some of her actions have made people so uneasy they have distanced themselves. Tell her that her comments to your boyfriend made him uncomfortable, and you need them to stop.

I can't predict how she will react, but you may get through to her. If not, she may end her friendship with you, and you can retain your sanity.

DEAR ABBY: My significant other, "Bob," and I have been together for 30 years (never married). The past 10 years of our relationship have not been so good in the bedroom.

Bob has ED and refuses to see a professional about it. He is well aware of how unfair it is to me because my sex drive is still in full swing. Would it be wrong to tell him that since he doesn't want to seek help for his problem, I am going to find a "friend with benefits"?

I have reached the point where I want to leave him. If he would get help for his problem, our relationship would improve, and I would be willing to stay. -- DEPRIVED IN OHIO

DEAR DEPRIVED: Bob may be so embarrassed about his ED problem that he's afraid to have a frank talk with a doctor about it. It's a shame because in many cases there is help for it.

Because you have reached the end of your tether, discuss your feelings with him as openly as you have with me. If you do, it may jolt him into doing something for himself that he should have done a decade ago.

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law passed away a year ago. Since then, my husband and his sister have been letting my father-in-law stay with each of us on different nights. He's with us every Friday and Tuesday and with my husband's sister Thursday, Saturday and Sunday.

My father-in-law is healthy and capable of doing everything for himself. I am getting SO tired of this arrangement! It is cramping my life in a big way. What do I do? -- RUINING MY LIFE IN THE SOUTH

DEAR RUINING: Start making plans for yourself on Friday and Tuesday nights so you will feel less encroached-upon. And introduce your father-in-law to some ladies his age -- providing he is willing. (Men in his demographic are a hot commodity, and I'm betting that he will be willing.)

DEAR ABBY: I really could use some outside advice. I am a stepmother who raised my husband's 18-year-old son, "Todd." We have given him a loving home. Todd's abusive mother abandoned him at 16, and he has lived with us ever since.

I have been a caring and generous mother to him since he was 6. I have always gone out of my way to make sure he feels comfortable, loved, fed, etc. So I couldn't help but feel slapped in the face when he told me he doesn't want to have his graduation party at our home. He said he is having it at his friend's parents' house. This is the same couple who disapproved of their son spending time in our home while the boys grew up because we're not their religion.

I don't know how to handle this gracefully without feeling hurt or refusing to be a part of it. I know this may seem childish, but it's how I feel on the inside. Can you help me? -- DISAPPOINTED IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: It might help to realize this isn't a personal slap in the face. His friend's parents may have something special planned that Todd doesn't want to miss. It has nothing to do with your parenting and plenty to do with his level of immaturity and perhaps the appeal of the other house. (Ask him.) Please be smart and refrain from making this about you, because it isn't.

DEAR ABBY: My husband has reconnected with an ex-wife from more than 50 years ago. He found her on Facebook. They chat every day, several times a day. Before he reconnected with her, he would talk about her, how she was his first love and he would always have a special place for her in his heart, even though she cheated on him and left him. Now he has begun calling her a pet name he used to call me. Is this cheating, or am I overreacting? -- BETRAYED IN OHIO

DEAR BETRAYED: You are not overreacting. Your husband is involved in an emotional affair. For the sake of your marriage, it needs to stop. If he won't accept it from you, perhaps he will listen to his religious adviser, a marriage counselor or your lawyer. Do not try to fight this alone; you may need their help along the way.

DEAR ABBY: My husband of 63 years died three years ago. He was sexually abused by a family friend when he was very young and never disclosed it. He shared it with me some 20 years after our marriage and asked me not to tell our four children.

At some point, I shared it with my grown daughter, but not my three grown sons. Was I wrong to do this? My daughter feels I should tell them, and I sort of agree. Their relationship with their father was loving, but also strained. Should I tell them now or let it be? -- UNSURE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR UNSURE: I agree with your daughter. Because the sexual abuse your husband suffered may have affected the relationship he had with your sons, it might be helpful if they understand the reason why it was the way it was. Sunshine on dark places can yield positive outcomes.