life

Invitations to Marketing Parties Overwhelm Uninterested Friend

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 16th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm in my mid-40s, and a LOT of my female friends are involved in multilevel marketing companies. Whether it be for eyelashes, supplements, jewelry, antiaging products, candles, leggings, etc., I receive nonstop "invitations" to buy their products.

I'm old enough to know from experience that most of the products are rubbish, and many times way overpriced. I'm simply not interested. How do I politely (yet firmly) decline the invitations that come my way without hurting their feelings? -- MULTILEVEL MARKETING HATER

DEAR MULTILEVEL MARKETING: It's time you recognize the difference between a friendship and a marketing ploy. If you are invited to something, feel free to ask whether there will be any selling and, if there will be, decline. To do so is not being rude or hurtful. Women who are really your friends will continue to be, and those who aren't will disappear.

Etiquette & EthicsFriends & NeighborsMoney
life

Mom and Daughter Butt Heads Over Where Children Should Sleep

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 16th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My mom and stepdad occasionally watch my children to help us out or to spend time with them. I just found out that Mom will not put my 8-month-old into a crib or Pack 'n Play to sleep. She puts her into bed along with my 4-year-old son. I have asked my mother repeatedly not to do that, not only for safety, but so everyone can sleep. She refuses. She says I should trust them, and they should be allowed to do whatever they want when the kids are with them. Please tell me what to do. -- FRUSTRATED DAUGHTER

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Why you should trust someone who deliberately ignores your wishes is beyond me. Let me tell you what not to do. Do not allow your children to stay with your mother under these circumstances. Sometimes Mama does not know best, and this is one of them. If you prefer your children not share the same bed, your wishes should be respected.

Health & SafetyFamily & Parenting
life

Battle Over Air Fresheners Clouds Couple's Relationship

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 16th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I live quite far from town and spend a lot of time in the car -- usually his. He bought some air fresheners for his car, which made me nauseated and gave me headaches. I asked him to please remove them, but he refused because he doesn't want to waste the $2.50. He said he likes the smell.

Abby, we have two other vehicles we can take. I felt it was such a small thing he could do to make me feel better. He doesn't agree. What is your opinion on the matter? -- STUNK UP IN FLORIDA

DEAR STUNK: You may be allergic to something in that air freshener, which is why you got the headache and became nauseated. Asking your boyfriend to remove it was a small thing -- not like asking him to remove a limb. If he were less self-centered and more considerate, he would have accommodated you.

In my opinion, you should take one of the other cars when you drive together.

Love & DatingMoneyHealth & Safety
life

Woman With New Boyfriend Keeps Neighbor Up at Night

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 15th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I live in a densely populated luxury high-rise apartment building in a busy downtown neighborhood that has a diverse mix of residents. I have lived here for four years and have never really had many issues, until recently.

My next-door neighbor works in the medical field that at times has very late or early hours associated with it. I also work in a field that has odd hours, so I am empathetic. My issue is, she has a new boyfriend she is intimate with anywhere between 2 and 4 a.m. I am a light sleeper and get awakened by their sessions together. I can hear her voice and at times, jostling of furniture.

I have thought about telling the building management, but it would be obvious that the complaint would have come from me, and I don't want that. I also don't want to cause embarrassment to either of us. How can I address this delicately, without causing embarrassment, or must I suck it up and suffer? -- SLEEPLESS IN CHICAGO

DEAR SLEEPLESS: Write your neighbor a sweet note explaining the problem and ask if there is anything she can do to muffle the sounds you are hearing. (It might be something as simple as moving her bed away from the wall or placing it against a different one.) However, if she's uncooperative, as a last resort, do discuss your problem with the building manager. I assure you, it won't be the first time he or she has heard something like this, or the last.

Sex & GenderFriends & Neighbors
life

Social Anxiety Makes Meeting Boyfriend's Parents Frightening

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 15th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I suffer from a moderate to severe case of social anxiety. I'm now in my first relationship with a partner who tends to move fast, and whose parents have recently been asking to meet me. This has caused tension in our relationship as well as in his relationship with his parents.

Because of some past experiences with previous partners, his parents have preconceived notions about me, which makes me feel all the more reluctant to meet them. I don't like feeling vulnerable, especially with people who don't know me. One counseling session with a boss, a professor, someone in authority, etc., and I'm on the verge of tears or already crying.

I know I'll have to meet his parents someday, but I don't know how to approach it. I feel overwhelmed just thinking about it. Please help. -- SOCIALLY ANXIOUS

DEAR SOCIALLY ANXIOUS: I hope you are receiving professional help for your social anxiety. You should not approach meeting your partner's parents with a negative attitude. Smile, put your best foot forward and try to make a good impression.

Keep in mind that this is not a performance review, a professor you need to give you a good grade or anyone in authority. They are parents of a son whose past judgment about partners may have been less than stellar, and of course they have concerns.

It would be nice if they thought the moon rose and set on you, but if they don't, will it affect your relationship with your partner? If the answer is yes, then he may not be mature and independent enough to be having a romance with anyone. Hold a good thought and stop hiding out.

Family & ParentingLove & Dating
life

Mom Tires of Chauffeuring Daughter Without a License

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 14th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My 20-year-old daughter refuses to get her driver's license. She took the learner's permit test four times when she was 16, failed it each time and gave up. She goes to college online and has a job at the local store. Next week she is going to be promoted to assistant manager.

I don't work, but I'm tired of driving her around. We live in a small town that has no public transportation. Every time her father or I mention getting her license, she says, "Don't start" or, "I don't want to talk about it!" She doesn't date, but is very involved in church. She has her own phone, which she pays for, and also pays for gas. She's responsible in every way -- she just refuses to drive! HELP! -- TIRED OF BEING A TAXI MOM

DEAR TIRED: Your 20-year-old daughter is a smart cookie. Unlike you, she doesn't have to worry about car payments, insurance premiums or the cost of parking. As long as you agree to chauffeur her around, she isn't going to provide her own transportation. I suggest you encourage her to get a bicycle. And after four years, it's time for her to take the driver's test again.

Family & Parenting
life

Couple Is Trapped in Vicious Cycle of Irritating Habits

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 14th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married nine years and have two major issues in our marriage:

1. He feels I spend too much money.

2. I think he spends too much time away from home doing things he wants to do.

We have fallen into this cycle of him being away from home, so I spend money, which results in him spending more time away from home. Should we have separate bank accounts? Should I make him cancel some of his weekly activities? -- STRUGGLING IN ST. LOUIS

DEAR STRUGGLING: Separate bank accounts might be a good idea, provided you don't use yours to mask the fact that you're spending more than you should. As to "making" your husband cancel some of his weekly activities, I don't think it would work to your benefit.

A better solution/investment would be for the two of you to talk this out in the office of a licensed marriage and family counselor, because it appears you're spending as a way to punish your husband for his absence, which is not only not constructive but destructive. Doing activities outside the home together might also be helpful.

MoneyMarriage & Divorce
life

Mom Is Unsure of Her Role at Ex-Husband's Funeral

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 14th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My former spouse, the father of our adult daughters, recently passed. He will be cremated. Although he did not remarry, I did. Our youngest daughter has made all the burial arrangements.

My ex and I did not communicate much after the divorce. What is my role as mother? Do I send flowers, greet attendees, as if we were still together? We were married almost 30 years. -- WHAT SHOULD I DO?

DEAR WHAT SHOULD I DO: Your role as the mother is to support your daughters and the rest of the family. If your daughters want you there, be there for them. Greet anyone you know politely and thank them for being there for "the family." If you wish to send flowers, by all means do so. But beyond that, nothing more is required of you.

Etiquette & EthicsFamily & ParentingMarriage & DivorceDeath

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