life

Woman With New Boyfriend Keeps Neighbor Up at Night

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 15th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I live in a densely populated luxury high-rise apartment building in a busy downtown neighborhood that has a diverse mix of residents. I have lived here for four years and have never really had many issues, until recently.

My next-door neighbor works in the medical field that at times has very late or early hours associated with it. I also work in a field that has odd hours, so I am empathetic. My issue is, she has a new boyfriend she is intimate with anywhere between 2 and 4 a.m. I am a light sleeper and get awakened by their sessions together. I can hear her voice and at times, jostling of furniture.

I have thought about telling the building management, but it would be obvious that the complaint would have come from me, and I don't want that. I also don't want to cause embarrassment to either of us. How can I address this delicately, without causing embarrassment, or must I suck it up and suffer? -- SLEEPLESS IN CHICAGO

DEAR SLEEPLESS: Write your neighbor a sweet note explaining the problem and ask if there is anything she can do to muffle the sounds you are hearing. (It might be something as simple as moving her bed away from the wall or placing it against a different one.) However, if she's uncooperative, as a last resort, do discuss your problem with the building manager. I assure you, it won't be the first time he or she has heard something like this, or the last.

Sex & GenderFriends & Neighbors
life

Social Anxiety Makes Meeting Boyfriend's Parents Frightening

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 15th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I suffer from a moderate to severe case of social anxiety. I'm now in my first relationship with a partner who tends to move fast, and whose parents have recently been asking to meet me. This has caused tension in our relationship as well as in his relationship with his parents.

Because of some past experiences with previous partners, his parents have preconceived notions about me, which makes me feel all the more reluctant to meet them. I don't like feeling vulnerable, especially with people who don't know me. One counseling session with a boss, a professor, someone in authority, etc., and I'm on the verge of tears or already crying.

I know I'll have to meet his parents someday, but I don't know how to approach it. I feel overwhelmed just thinking about it. Please help. -- SOCIALLY ANXIOUS

DEAR SOCIALLY ANXIOUS: I hope you are receiving professional help for your social anxiety. You should not approach meeting your partner's parents with a negative attitude. Smile, put your best foot forward and try to make a good impression.

Keep in mind that this is not a performance review, a professor you need to give you a good grade or anyone in authority. They are parents of a son whose past judgment about partners may have been less than stellar, and of course they have concerns.

It would be nice if they thought the moon rose and set on you, but if they don't, will it affect your relationship with your partner? If the answer is yes, then he may not be mature and independent enough to be having a romance with anyone. Hold a good thought and stop hiding out.

Family & ParentingLove & Dating
life

Mom Tires of Chauffeuring Daughter Without a License

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 14th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My 20-year-old daughter refuses to get her driver's license. She took the learner's permit test four times when she was 16, failed it each time and gave up. She goes to college online and has a job at the local store. Next week she is going to be promoted to assistant manager.

I don't work, but I'm tired of driving her around. We live in a small town that has no public transportation. Every time her father or I mention getting her license, she says, "Don't start" or, "I don't want to talk about it!" She doesn't date, but is very involved in church. She has her own phone, which she pays for, and also pays for gas. She's responsible in every way -- she just refuses to drive! HELP! -- TIRED OF BEING A TAXI MOM

DEAR TIRED: Your 20-year-old daughter is a smart cookie. Unlike you, she doesn't have to worry about car payments, insurance premiums or the cost of parking. As long as you agree to chauffeur her around, she isn't going to provide her own transportation. I suggest you encourage her to get a bicycle. And after four years, it's time for her to take the driver's test again.

Family & Parenting
life

Couple Is Trapped in Vicious Cycle of Irritating Habits

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 14th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married nine years and have two major issues in our marriage:

1. He feels I spend too much money.

2. I think he spends too much time away from home doing things he wants to do.

We have fallen into this cycle of him being away from home, so I spend money, which results in him spending more time away from home. Should we have separate bank accounts? Should I make him cancel some of his weekly activities? -- STRUGGLING IN ST. LOUIS

DEAR STRUGGLING: Separate bank accounts might be a good idea, provided you don't use yours to mask the fact that you're spending more than you should. As to "making" your husband cancel some of his weekly activities, I don't think it would work to your benefit.

A better solution/investment would be for the two of you to talk this out in the office of a licensed marriage and family counselor, because it appears you're spending as a way to punish your husband for his absence, which is not only not constructive but destructive. Doing activities outside the home together might also be helpful.

MoneyMarriage & Divorce
life

Mom Is Unsure of Her Role at Ex-Husband's Funeral

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 14th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My former spouse, the father of our adult daughters, recently passed. He will be cremated. Although he did not remarry, I did. Our youngest daughter has made all the burial arrangements.

My ex and I did not communicate much after the divorce. What is my role as mother? Do I send flowers, greet attendees, as if we were still together? We were married almost 30 years. -- WHAT SHOULD I DO?

DEAR WHAT SHOULD I DO: Your role as the mother is to support your daughters and the rest of the family. If your daughters want you there, be there for them. Greet anyone you know politely and thank them for being there for "the family." If you wish to send flowers, by all means do so. But beyond that, nothing more is required of you.

Etiquette & EthicsFamily & ParentingMarriage & DivorceDeath
life

Words of Encouragement Help Keep the Country's Spirits Up

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 13th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I believe that love conquers all. The worldwide coronavirus is teaching us we are all one in body, but not yet in spirit. Every day may not be good, but there is good in every day. Don't count the days -- make the days count by throwing a kiss, sharing a smile with others, and waving a hand of greeting to them.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Drink a refreshing glass of lemonade and make a toast: "To our health, God willing. Never give up!" And remember, the best medicine is a dose of laughter.

As President Kennedy said, our most common link is that, "We all inhabit this small planet. We all breathe the same air. We all cherish our children's future, and we are all mortal."

Abby, won't you ask your readers to pause daily to reflect, think positively and affirm the conviction that we as a nation will overcome this challenge as we have so many others before? Be agents for globalizing hope. Do good for others. The greatest joy in life comes from giving.

Sending love and hope to all. -- CARMELLA LaSPADA, FOUNDER, NO GREATER LOVE, INC.

DEAR CARMELLA: I could not agree more. Readers have been asking me how to cope with the changed reality of everyday life since the COVID-19 virus struck this country. Reaching out to help someone else is a potent remedy for anyone who is experiencing the blues and cabin fever. Even if you can't be supportive in person, a phone call, a text, a post with an uplifting message or a joke can lighten the mood of someone who is feeling isolated. I am glad you wrote, Carmella, and I hope your message will resonate.

Mental HealthHealth & Safety
life

Man's Enthusiastic Greeting Violates Friend's Personal Space

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 13th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have encountered an "over-hugger." I have always hugged, but I take care to respect how others feel about it. This person does not extend that courtesy. His typical hug involves picking the recipient up off the ground. It's invasive, in my opinion. The last time I saw him, I offered my hand. Instead of taking it, he yanked me in and said, "We give hugs here!" I know he wants to show affection, but he puts his own needs before the needs of others.

I want to tell him not to hug me anymore. However, it's complicated because we are part of a loose-knit athletic community.

First, is it odd of me not to want his hugs? Second, how do you recommend I send the message that a handshake is the most I want? -- NO BEAR HUGS

DEAR NO BEAR HUGS: Pandemic notwithstanding, in general terms, I agree that what this person is doing is over the top. If he were to yank and lift someone who has back issues, he could harm the person.

My first thought would be to tell this man privately that you don't want him lifting you. If you can't take him aside and do that, then call him or write him a letter.

Etiquette & Ethics

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