DEAR ABBY: I have a friend who is an alcoholic. I met her when we first moved here five years ago. At that time, I wasn't aware of her drinking problem. Over the years it has become very apparent. I have yelled at her, shown deep concern for her, threatened rehab, begged her to get help, etc.

She calls me late in the evening rambling on about ridiculous things, repeating the same stories over and over, crying, claiming she's having panic attacks and all sorts of other health ailments that are most likely caused by her drinking. I am at my wits' end with her. She's a good person and has a good heart, but I know I can't save her because she's already stated she will never stop drinking.

How do I manage to keep my own sanity? I sometimes feel like I enable her by not calling her out on all her excuses for her problems when I know well they're all because of the drinking. -- ENABLER IN MINNESOTA

DEAR ENABLER: I have two suggestions for you, and I hope you will avail yourself of both. The first is to go online to al-anon.org to find the nearest location for meetings (you will find they are all over) and attend some. Al-Anon is a sister organization of Alcoholics Anonymous, and it was founded to help and support the friends and family members of people who have an alcohol problem. It will help you to understand that you cannot help your friend. Only she can do that by mustering up the resolve to quit drinking. Many alcoholics do this only after they finally realize the consequences their addiction has cost them. In this case, the price may be her friendship with you.

The second is to tell your friend -- while she is sober -- that she cannot continue calling you when she has been drinking, and that if she does, you will hang up. Then do it.

DEAR ABBY: My 53-year-old brother had an affair eight years ago. He and his wife have four children. When he told his wife about it, they started sleeping in separate bedrooms. She stays with him for the kids' sake and for financial reasons.

The other woman, "Rachael," recently contacted him saying she has cancer and has no family who want to take care of her. He put her up in his cabin in the mountains and hasn't told his wife. He asked what I thought, and honestly, I feel that although I am sad for Rachael, my brother should put his wife before his concern for this other woman. I'm angry with him for what he's doing to his wife. What should he do? -- DISAGREEING IN THE SOUTH

DEAR DISAGREEING: I assume that when your brother confided what he has been doing, you gave him your thoughts on it. If you didn't, you should.

I find it telling that the person asking me what he should do is you and not him. Rather than try to run interference for him, recognize the ball is in his court, and he has to decide for himself what he should -- or should not -- do, because he is playing a very dangerous game.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 15 years. Before we married, I purchased a house. He moved in a month after our wedding and made a lot of improvements to it. We are now in the process of doing more renovations.

His mom moved in with us two months ago. Before she moved in, the plan was to take the downstairs -- which has a living room and a bedroom -- and convert it to a bedroom and a room leading out to a patio to have another entrance to our swimming pool. But she wants to decorate that room with her furniture and use it when her friends and family visit her.

My husband says, "She is 77. She doesn't have many more years left, so let her do what she wants." He always adds, "I can tell her she isn't wanted and find somewhere for her to go, but I don't know where it would be." I have always given in, but he doesn't see it that way.

Should I let someone come into my house and redecorate it differently than how I want it? Please let me know if I am being selfish like he says. -- INVADED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR INVADED: Let me get this straight: Your mother-in-law will occupy the downstairs of your home while you and your husband occupy the upstairs? If she wants to decorate her bedroom and the room in which she entertains her visitors, it won't be a reflection of your taste, and frankly, it shouldn't be. It is understandable.

What is clear to me is that you really don't want her living under your roof. Because your husband can't -- or won't -- do the research to find reasonable alternatives for his mother, the task of finding something suitable is yours.

DEAR ABBY: My husband is terminally ill with cancer and hasn't long to live. I would like to ask friends that, in lieu of flowers, they make donations to a scholarship fund for three very precious granddaughters who have spent most every day of their young lives with him. They are 10, 8 and 5. He has been their caregiver.

However, we have other grandchildren who are grown and have graduated from college, and great-grandchildren who are the same ages as these three granddaughters. I am afraid of offending these grandchildren by not including their children. Is asking for a memorial donation tacky of me to ensure these three granddaughters who have been so close to him are provided for? -- PROVIDED FOR IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR PROVIDED: Your adult, college-educated grandchildren should be able to provide for their children without help from you. I assume there is a reason your husband has been the caregiver for the grandchildren whose future you are concerned about. If you and your husband would like to request that friends skip the flowers and contribute to a college fund for them, it's your privilege. And if you get flak for it, you should explain the reason why.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of 15 years is in prison. We have two children together. Our relationship has been rough. We had a fight, and he went to jail for it. Another reason he went to prison is he violated his probation and failed to report.

I take the kids to see him, and he still wants us to be together. He has nowhere to go when he gets out. How do I tell him I don't want him back at my house without him retaliating on me? -- AFRAID IN TEXAS

DEAR AFRAID: This is how. Tell him plainly that because of the circumstances that sent him to jail, you no longer want him living under your roof. It's bad for the children. Therefore, he will be finding other living arrangements when he is released.

He may not like it, but please remember you owe him nothing. You have to stand your ground for your children's sake. Should he stalk or threaten you in any way, go to the police. Tell them you are afraid of him and why, and ask about a restraining order because he is violent.

DEAR ABBY: When my husband and I eat a meal, as soon as he's finished he gets up and wanders around. We call that the "wandering" phase of his meal. I have asked him to no avail to stay seated and talk with me. I think it is disrespectful.

My husband also pulls out his phone when we are out with friends. I have told him that what he's doing is basically telling them he would rather see what's on his phone than converse with them. He doesn't do it for the entire meal, but when he does, it irritates me. How can I get basic manners across to him? -- LONELY AT MEALTIME

DEAR LONELY: I knew a person years ago who had an impulse control problem similar to the one you describe your husband having. The man had been in an auto accident and suffered a traumatic brain injury. In your husband's case, it appears he either has attention deficit disorder or "suffers" from a lack of consideration for your feelings. There is help for the former, but you can't teach basic manners to someone who doesn't want to learn. You have my sympathy. Try not to let it give you heartburn.

DEAR ABBY: I work as a parcel clerk in a major retail store. The biggest part of my job is returning shopping carts from the parking lot to the lobby. Shoppers have a habit that makes my job a lot harder than it needs to be, so I want to get this message out to as many people as possible:

PLEASE push your shopping cart all the way into the next one when you put it away. I'm not asking you to bring your cart all the way back to the store. Just remember that each cart can nest into the one in front of it.

You have no idea how much faster I could do my job if everybody did this. Thank you for helping get the word out. -- PLEA FROM THE PARKING LOT

DEAR PLEA: Glad to help. And as long as we are on the subject of shopping carts, may I add that those cute little straps that are meant to secure small children in the upper compartment of the cart tend to get caught and lock the carts together if folks are careless after they unhook their children. It can be next to impossible to untangle those carts. I speak from experience.