life

Woman Insists That Her Husband Give Up Letters From Late Wife

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 23rd, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Charlie," and I have been married for seven years. We are in our mid-60s. This is the second marriage for both of us. He was widowed some years before we met. We have a good marriage. He is sweet and caring, but one issue causes friction between us. It's about letters he and his late wife exchanged.

They were high school sweethearts. She kept all the letters he sent her when he was away in college, and after she died, he wanted to keep them. It bothers me that he's still attached to them. Whenever we talk about the subject and I ask him to dispose of them, he gets defensive, says he doesn't understand why it bothers me and accuses me of being unreasonable. He says I don't even "let" him have a picture of his late wife among our family pictures around the house. My first marriage was very troubled, and I never wanted a picture of my late husband. But Charlie's was a happy one.

Am I unreasonable, or is it time to let the past stay in the past, as painful as it might be to detach from objects that were an intimate part of his previous marriage? -- REASONING IN ILLINOIS

DEAR REASONING: Why have you not accepted that Charlie had a life before fate intervened, took his wife and you entered the picture? People who had miserable first marriages -- as yours was -- often choose not to remarry. Charlie is who he is in part because of his happy marriage to his first wife. You are making a mistake by competing with her. Stop insisting that he get rid of the old letters, which hold great sentimental value for him. And if he would like to display a photo of his late wife, quit giving him heartburn. She's part of his history, and it's his house, too.

DeathMarriage & Divorce
life

Family Opposed to Marriage Is Barred From Wedding

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 23rd, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am being married in a couple of months. I feel like I'm living a real-life fairy tale -- but not always in a good way. My fiance's stepfamily has made it clear that they do not approve of our union. They have gone as far as to ask me to leave him. He is appalled by their behavior and has told them they are no longer welcome in our lives or at our wedding. They were livid and blamed me.

I don't want my wedding to be the cause of pain, so I have tried to be understanding, gracious and forgiving, but they are toxic people. My fiance is my very own real-life Prince Charming, and I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with him.

Abby, I am terrified they are going to show up to our wedding anyway or try to somehow sabotage it. What should I do? If they show up, should I let them stay or have them removed? How do I prevent them from intruding in the future? -- CINDERELLA IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR CINDERELLA: Allow me to congratulate you and your fiance on your upcoming nuptials and offer my sympathy for your grief, which is undeserved. You may need to hire professional security to ensure the peace, or see if security is provided at the venue. The way to prevent unwanted intruders in the future would be to move as far away from his family as is feasible.

Holidays & CelebrationsFamily & Parenting
life

Pregnant Teen Seeks Advice for Raising Her Child Well

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 22nd, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I recently found out I am pregnant. I'm only 17 and scared I won't be a good mother. I'm also anxious about giving birth. I'm due in three months, so I know time is going by fast.

My mother never taught me right from wrong, and having to raise a child at my age is really scary. I don't want to give my baby up for adoption because I know God does things in mysterious ways. I feel like this is an obstacle he is putting me through to make me stronger in life. Can you give me some advice on how to be a good mother or guide me on how to give my child the necessities? -- CONCERNED TEENAGE MOTHER

DEAR CONCERNED: You will be facing challenging circumstances. Consider talking to a social worker at the hospital where you will give birth for advice on how to get the necessities for your baby. It is more important now than ever to complete your education by getting your high school diploma or a GED, so you will be able to better support the child. A trusted teacher or counselor at school may be able to guide you. If there are older, more experienced family members who are willing, they may be able to offer emotional and practical support. And, if possible, the baby's father should be involved.

Health & SafetyFamily & ParentingTeens
life

Recovering Alcoholic Seeks to Overcome Past Mistakes

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 22nd, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I recently quit drinking because it was clearly becoming a problem for me. I was hiding alcohol, putting it in water bottles, drinking it like water, etc.

I struggle with anxiety, which makes AA not a viable option for me. I looked online and was able to find SMART Recovery. So far, it has been a valuable resource for me. I am sticking to the program and find the people online to be supportive and helpful.

My struggle is, because I had been drinking for so long, people judge me by my past. Even at home. How do I get to a point where people take me for who I am now and stop dwelling on the past? -- SOBERING REALITY

DEAR SOBERING: I applaud you for recognizing you had a problem and doing something about it. You mentioned that you "recently" quit drinking. I wish you had mentioned how long ago because it may have something to do with how you are being treated now.

All you can do to change people's perception of you is sincerely apologize and try to make amends to anyone you may have hurt or offended while you were under the influence. It may take time for them to trust that you are no longer the person you were, so be patient and continue to work on your sobriety. With time, you will be respected for the person you are now.

Mental HealthAddiction
life

Social Media Friend Looks to Opt Out of Political Postings

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 22nd, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Can you think of any way to tell social media friends that I am not interested in their political views? I respect everyone's political beliefs, but I am very tired of politics, and there must be something else they can post. Should I "unfollow" these people until after the elections and hope for the best? I suspect I am not alone on this. Any help would be much appreciated! -- "WAR" WEARY IN ARKANSAS

DEAR WEARY: These days it does seem like everyone's a pundit, but you cannot dictate what others choose to post. Because the posts are not entertaining, I see nothing wrong with "hiding" their posts until the election season is over.

Friends & Neighbors
life

Joy Over Finding Love Can't Diminish Pain of Twin's Loss

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 21st, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have had a serious boyfriend for six months. He's wonderful, a dream come true. But I find myself more depressed and suicidal than ever. Mom tells me I don't have any reason to be depressed since I have a boyfriend. It's like she thinks I have no right to still be despondent over my twin's death because I now have a significant other.

My eating disorder and self-harm have gotten worse, too. I feel like I'm holding in so much sadness I'm not allowed to show that I'm turning it all inward in self-destructive ways. Although I love my boyfriend, I almost feel like breaking up just so everyone won't expect me to be Pollyanna anymore. The third anniversary of my twin's suicide is coming, which is making everything more unbearable. I just don't know what to do. I just want to disappear. -- THINGS AREN'T OK

DEAR THINGS: If your mother truly believes a death in the family (particularly a twin!) is something that can be "fixed" by having a boyfriend, she is deluding herself. You need professional help and right away. There are support groups for survivors of a family member's suicide, and you are three years overdue for finding one. I urge you to contact the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. Someone there can help you to locate a support group for the survivors of a loved one's suicide. To find them, go online to afsp.org.

If you are feeling suicidal, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and tell a counselor about what's going on. If you do, you can be directed to a licensed therapist in your community who can help. The toll-free number to call is 800-273-8255. Please do not put it off.

Mental HealthDeathLove & Dating
life

Mom Wants No Part of Estranged Daughter's Wedding

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 21st, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My daughter and I have been estranged on and off for many years, most recently for the last 22 months. At that time, she angrily took her 8-year-old daughter and left our home, where she had been living since another eviction. She said she was going to tell everyone I kicked her out. Then she blocked me on Facebook, removed my access to my granddaughter's classroom progress reports and my name from the school emergency card. I had no idea where they went. My poor granddaughter was in tears. She had been upset moving back in with us again, and told me she wished her mom would get a job so they could stay in one place for real.

After no contact, I have been told my daughter is being married. "Save the date" cards have gone out. I have no desire or intention of going to a wedding of someone who has spent half her life being cruel to me, lying, ignoring me, being jealous at her sister's wedding and so on, with never an apology for her horrible behavior. She's a Jekyll and Hyde.

We live in the same community, and I do all I can to avoid seeing her. I'm happy for her and delighted my granddaughter will finally have a bedroom of her own, but I have no intention of playing happy family to someone who regularly sharpens knives in my back. How do I answer any inquiries that may come up about the wedding? -- CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE

DEAR CAN'T: Do not engage in a litany of complaints and accusations. You can get the message across to anyone who asks about the wedding by saying that you are not involved in the planning of the wedding and questions should be directed to your daughter. You do not have to discuss it further. It's short and sweet and gets the message across.

Holidays & CelebrationsFamily & Parenting

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