DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married 30 years. I recently retired, and we are planning a cruise to Europe and a two-month stay, returning on the same cruise line. The cruise line is rather posh, and travelers are asked to "dress appropriately" -- which means, essentially, men should wear a jacket to dinner (no tie required).

My husband is balking at the idea he should have to wear a jacket on his vacation and now says he won't go. Abby, we have already invested several hundreds of dollars in deposits, so what do I do? I'd rather not spend 14 days at sea with a husband whining over wearing a jacket for 30 minutes a day and end up dining alone (we reserved a table for two so we wouldn't be stuck making small talk). We are cruising because he will not fly. -- TEXAS WIFE

DEAR TEXAS WIFE: You have already accommodated your husband by booking a cruise instead of flying. Could his problem be that his jackets no longer fit him? If that's the case, buy him one that does. However, if his objection is that he really doesn't want to go, why not take your husband up on his offer to stay home and ask one of your girlfriends to accompany you? Then all three of you might have a better time.

DEAR ABBY: I am 61 and dating a 63-year-old man, "Charles." I live in my own apartment, pay my own bills, and I like and enjoy life. Charles is constantly over at my apartment and ends up falling asleep for hours at a time. It irritates me when he sleeps six, seven and even eight hours at my place. I feel he has a place of his own, and he should be doing that there.

He has told me numerous times that he doesn't feel safe at his apartment because of the neighborhood. He says that is why he is spending time with me. I like my alone time, which I don't have often. Prior to him, I wasn't in a relationship for seven years.

I feel that Charles is needy. Am I being unreasonable? I don't think I am, and it always ends up in an argument. If you could please give me some advice, I would appreciate your input. -- NOT HOTEL ACCOMMODATIONS

DEAR NOT HOTEL: Wake up and smell the coffee. Charles told you he spends all that time with you because he doesn't feel safe in his apartment, not because he loves your company so much he cannot stay away. What did he do before he met you?

From where I sit, it appears he's angling to move in. It isn't unreasonable to want your own space, particularly if you are the one paying for it, while he snores away the hours. If the status quo isn't what you want, it is up to you to change it.

DEAR ABBY: In class, I sit next to a girl who is constantly telling me that she likes the way I smell. I don't know if she's flirting with me or actually likes my cologne. She is making me very self-conscious. Should I confront her or tell my teacher? Or should I drop out and move to Alaska? I'm scared. -- READY TO MOVE IN THE SOUTH

DEAR READY TO MOVE: Your classmate is trying to pay you a compliment. Tell her the name of your cologne and where she can buy some, if you are wearing any. As to moving out of state, that smells very unnecessary to me.

DEAR ABBY: I'm an adoptive mother who has had more than my fair share of inappropriate comments directed at me and my children. They usually come from strangers or acquaintances. I'm about up to here with them, so I thought I would write you about etiquette for interacting with adoptive families:

Though we may stand out to you, we think of ourselves as a family like any other. Please do not start a conversation with us that has the sole purpose of pointing out the obvious. Remember that my children have ears.

Please do not ask questions in front of them about them or their adoption. Don't ask in private unless you are a close friend. Better yet, let me broach the subject.

Please do not ALWAYS comment on my daughters' hair. Yes, it is nicely braided and decorated with beautiful beads. But isn't there something else you can say about them? Maybe just once? And please don't talk in front of them about how hard it must be for me to do their hair. I LOVE braiding it.

Please don't say I am a saint for adopting them. I chose to adopt because I never wanted to have biological children. And please don't say how nice it is for me to love them so much. Why would you expect that I wouldn't love my children?

Please do not pity my children. They have amazing lives, are fiercely loved and have bright futures ahead. And please do not introduce me to others as someone "who has adopted two girls from Africa." Because my daughters are black does not mean they are from Africa! I would much prefer you simply say, "Anne has two 8-year-old daughters."

And last, please remember that you and I are both people who love our families, and we have more in common than you might think. -- ANNE FROM CALIFORNIA

DEAR ANNE: Thank you for a great letter. Sometimes well-meaning people simply don't think about the impact their words can have when they begin a conversation. I hope my readers will take your words to heart because they are valid.

DEAR ABBY: While separating photographs after my divorce from my wife, I found some photographs of relatives' and friends' weddings. Is there any protocol on what to do with them? In some cases, the marriages (and friendships) have ended, so I assume I should just dispose of them, correct? I will send my ex-wife any photos of her and her family, but none that include my family. Is this the right way to go?

We don't live in the same area anymore, and our families were never close. I would be interested to hear what you think should be done with family photos that include me, my ex-wife and our children. Should they go just to the children? I am in a new committed relationship, and I do not wish to keep any photos of my ex for any reason. Can you please help? -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN NEW YORK

DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: Send the family pictures to your children and instruct them to share them with your ex if she would like to have them. If you still have a relationship with the friends and relatives, inform them that you found the photos and ask if they would like to have them. That would be the considerate thing to do.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have a 45-year-old nephew who married for the first time two years ago. Before that, he was engaged to a woman I'll call Anita for two years. We assumed the reason for their breakup was she wanted children, and he did not. Last year, we attended Anita's wedding, as we are still friendly with her.

Our nephew was, and still is, furious with us for going. He claims "only 5% of people attend one's ex's wedding." He says we should have been loyal to him and abstained because Anita was a "vicious, lying, rumormonger."

He still emails and calls us, ranting and raving to the point that we might lose the relationship with him forever. We feel we did nothing wrong and were not obligated to get his permission to attend that wedding. What do you think? -- BIG SIN IN OREGON

DEAR "BIG SIN": I think you were right to attend Anita's wedding, in light of the fact that you are still friendly. You didn't need your nephew's permission. I seriously doubt his breakup with Anita had anything to do with whether she and your nephew disagreed about having children. More likely it had everything to do with the fact that your nephew is stubborn and behaves irrationally.

DEAR ABBY: My wife has no friends of her own and no hobbies. She's miserable most of the time, and happiness with her seems fleeting. I think she needs to see a counselor, but she refuses. In couples counseling, when the counselor pushed her on her issues, she quit.

I realize now that she is able to hide these issues from everyday acquaintances. But we have a 1-year-old daughter, and I'm certain that as she gets older, she'll see these issues as well. What do I do? -- LOOKING FORWARD IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR LOOKING: Whether your wife has postpartum depression or longstanding mental health issues I can't guess, but something is not right with her. I think it could benefit you greatly if YOU go back to that counselor, if only to ask for advice on how to handle this situation and provide as healthy an environment for your daughter to grow up in as possible.

DEAR ABBY: I am having issues with one of my good friends. When we hang out one-on-one, she's great. We laugh at just about everything and agree on a lot of different topics. However, when we hang out with other people, it's a different story. It seems as though all attention needs to be on her. It's not something I'm jealous of. It's more an uncomfortable feeling for everyone else. She's almost like a 4-year-old who needs constant attention and all eyes on her.

I enjoy hanging out with her when it's just us because I don't see this side of her, but in groups or even with one other person, it's like it's her world and we are just living in it. We are planning a trip soon, and I feel hesitant about being with her for long periods of time. -- WEARING THIN IN WASHINGTON

DEAR WEARING THIN: I'm puzzled as to why, knowing your friend behaves the way she does, you would be planning a trip with her. Unless it's a road trip -- just the two of you -- I think it could end the friendship. Considering who she is, the less time you spend in groups larger than two, the better.