DEAR ABBY: I was born into a poor family, and my father gave me up for adoption to his well-to-do sister. My narcissistic adoptive mother severely abused me physically, mentally and emotionally as a child, and tormented me financially as an adult. I no longer speak to her.

My biological mother has been attempting to have a relationship with me as her daughter. But I don't regard her as my mother. I don't feel anything toward her. All those years of abuse have left me feeling ... jaded.

My biological mother is still poor, and she constantly asks me for money to help my nieces and nephews with their needs. I understand that they are blood, but I work hard for my money and cannot afford to support them financially. They have had plenty of opportunities in the past to better their lives but decided to live off handouts. How do I find validation that I am a person and not just a piggy bank? -- JADED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR JADED: Considering the circumstances in which you were raised, it may not be easy. A way to find some of that validation would be to start establishing some boundaries in your life. If you can afford to see a licensed mental health professional, you would benefit greatly by scheduling some sessions. Not only will it help you to get your priorities straight, it may also help you to feel less guilty about saying no to relatives with ulterior motives.

DEAR ABBY: I felt compelled to write after seeing your Dec. 15 response to "Anywhere, USA," the hosts seeking guidance about how to respond to the daughter of longtime friends who had recently visited. The daughter had emailed asking for a report on her parents' habits and conduct during their trip.

As a caregiving daughter myself, knowing many other caregiving adult children and belonging to a few support groups for caregivers, I believe inquiring of family friends and other relatives about their loved ones is not wrong or invasive. Our loved ones behave differently in different situations. How they negotiate changes and social situations without the caregiver present may provide important clues and information regarding their mental/cognitive status.

Caregivers try to give their loved ones as much freedom as safely possible. Gaining information about the visit would possibly give clues regarding the ability to travel independently or not, and whether they can still negotiate social and public situations appropriately. These are examples of things that a caregiver will never observe without the eyes of others.

Many caregivers out there read your column, and others who have aging, declining friends with caregiving kids. People must not hesitate to say something when they notice a change in behavior. -- LOYAL READER IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR READER: I'm printing your letter because it is representative of the response I received about "Anywhere, USA's" letter. You raise an important issue about how it "takes a village" to band together and to share observations about changes in older people's comportment beyond simple aging.

DEAR ABBY: I've been married to my husband for 21 years. We've had our ups and downs, but our relationship is solid.

For the last year, I have watched as my husband has become closer to my sister. It started with phone calls every once in a while to check on how she's doing. (She lives in our second home in a different state.) Then it turned into hours-long conversations a few times a week. When I told him it made me very uncomfortable, he said they are just "very, very good friends."

About six months ago, he started calling me by her name at inappropriate times. I told him he has been murmuring her name in my ear while we're in bed. He said he was sorry, and he would make some changes to the relationship with my sister. The changes he made were to talk to her every night for hours at a time. Then he needed to go to our other house "to get it ready for winter." He was alone with her for two weeks and then extended his stay by another week because she is "having health issues."

I told him I think he's having an emotional affair with my sister, but he disagreed. I'm in constant panic mode and don't know what to do. Any advice? -- SUSPICIOUS IN THE NORTHWEST

DEAR SUSPICIOUS: I don't blame you for being as upset as you are because, to say the least, what your husband has been doing is inappropriate. Have you talked to your sister about this? If you haven't, you should.

I am surprised that you didn't go with him when he went to visit "Sissy" and help her with her "health issues." That he extended his stay with her makes me wonder if there may be more going on than an emotional affair.

You need more support than a newspaper column can provide. Make an appointment with a licensed marriage and family therapist, if only to calm your panic and gain an ally. If you can convince your husband to go, it might allay your fears. But if he isn't interested -- go alone.

DEAR ABBY: I have a dream job and enjoy every part of it, except for the lunch hour. The time for my break isn't debatable, nor is the area. We have a specific area for eating, and we aren't supposed to bring food to our work station.

During lunch time, seven to 10 people talk politics every day. It doesn't help that we are on opposite sides of the fence, but even if we weren't, I'm tired of all the nastiness on both sides.

I have politely asked them to discuss topics other than politics. I even talked to my boss about it, but he said it's not up to him what people talk about on their down time. Sometimes he joins us in the lunchroom and contributes to the topic. One of my co-workers is eight months pregnant, and she gets so worked up, I worry she'll go into premature labor. What should my next step, short of quitting, be? -- LOSING MY APPETITE

DEAR LOSING: Unless there is a rule specifying that you must eat your lunch inside the office, consider taking your lunch break outside. When the weather is mild, it could be a nice, quiet break. If it's too cold to eat outside, you could do it in your car and listen to music. However, if that's not possible, the solution to your problem might be as simple as noise-canceling headphones.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 57-year-old married man. I share a house with my wife and daughter. After dinner last month, my wife and I had a big fight. I can't believe the things we said. In 30 years, it has never gone that far.

I left the house and went to a bar. A slightly older man sat down next to me, and we talked for a long time, about the Beatles, hockey, science, evolution and the universe. Conversation just flowed.

I decided to tell him about the fight with my wife. He told me he lived in the building and had a vintage vinyl collection. If I wanted, we could go up and listen to some records. I said yes. We had a few drinks, listened to some great music and talked some more. He was so smart and so cool.

Then I caught myself looking at him with more than just admiration for his intellect, if you know what I mean. It scared me. I didn't know what to do, so I apologized and excused myself, hastily and rudely, I'm sure.

I don't know if he had any intentions other than listening to old records. He didn't say, and I didn't stick around long enough to find out. But I remember that feeling. All day long I remember it.

My wife and I have made up. We both regret the fight. But, Abby, I think about him every day. I've considered going back and knocking on his door, but I can't. I never imagined I'd feel this way at my age. What can I do? -- TWISTED UP IN THE SOUTH

DEAR TWISTED UP: I'll be frank. Sexuality is not necessarily black and white; there are shades of gray. You met this person at a time when you were emotionally vulnerable. The best thing you can do for your marriage would be to talk about this with a licensed mental health professional. The most destructive thing you could do for your marriage would be to knock on that person's door at this time.

DEAR ABBY: My father has always been very careful with money, paying credit cards in full and living within his means. He recently retired with his house paid off and enough savings to maintain a middle-class life for him and my stepmother.

Last month, my sister confided to me that my stepmother, "Lynda," has racked up $100,000 in credit card debt, mostly from online shopping. She hasn't worked for many years due to health reasons, so she has no way to pay the bills on her own. Everyone in the family knows about this and is hiding it from my father.

I feel Dad has a right to know, as interest charges over time will only make the situation worse. If he finds out sooner rather than later, he will be in a better position to pay the debt. If necessary, he could return to work, at least part time.

However, I'm afraid that both my and my father's relationship with my stepmother will be jeopardized if I tell him the truth. He has a history of not being able to control his temper. While it caused marital problems in the past, he currently has a loving relationship with Lynda.

They recently returned from a cruise, and all I could think about was whether they should have been spending money on a vacation. I'm afraid they could eventually lose their house and the means to support themselves if I don't speak up. What should I do? -- NERVOUS IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR NERVOUS: Rather than aid and abet your father's wife by hiding her (shopping) addiction, your family should have informed your father before the debt reached such large proportions. What you should do is speak up! Let him know you are worried because it doesn't take a crystal ball to see there is serious trouble on the horizon that will only grow worse if something isn't done immediately.